Ethan's Story

Ethan's Story.

I have been working on this for some time and actually finished a week or so ago but had not posted yet.  Today marks 11 weeks since our precious Ethan was born sleeping.  This has not been easy to write but I am glad that I have.  I am missing our Ethan so much!  My DH actually wrote a word document with Ethan's story from his perspective - this combines both of our thoughts.  I cry each & every time I read my DH's writing and every time I have read this since I have written & combined.  

On March 6th, we found out that we were officially pregnant after our first Injectables/IUI cycle in our desire to have our second child & a sibling for Aaron.  I had done HPTs since 12piui and our first beta at came in low at 42.9.  I was of course worried.  Aaron's first beta at the same time (15dpiui) was 33 but our 2nd early loss before Aaron also started as a 33.  It could go either way.  Normally my dr does a beta every 4 days but I asked for one in 2 days instead and it came back to us at 89.6.  Yeah, it doubled!!   And we had one 4 days later and it came back at 536.  Yeah, 37 hour doubling time!!   I was still nervous as it was a bit lower than what I had with Aaron.  

Our first u/s was set for 6w2d and I got a little nervous that this would be too early so I moved it to 7w but then I regretted moving it so I got it switched again to 6w4d (Friday March 23rd).  It was a good thing I did as that morning I woke up to bright red bleeding!  I for sure thought we were going to be given sad news.  Originally I was going to the appointment alone but my DH re-arranged his work schedule and went with me.  We saw one beautiful bean with a HB (do not remember the bpm) and we saw one empty sac as well.  However, the good news was short lived as the dr said the yoke sac was larger than normal and this often means something is not right genetically.    After our u/s, we tried to be excited, we googled large yoke sac and found positive stories.   But, the bleeding continued!  I called my RE that Monday and he wanted me to wait until our next scheduled u/s the following Friday, March 30th.   I was in quite a funk that whole week as the bleeding continued on & off but I made it to our appointment.  And it was better news.  The yoke sac had not gotten any larger and our little bean had grown appropriately!  Yeah!  After one more u/s on April 11th, we graduated to the OB.  I was so happy!  I could not wait to go back to my OB's office being a pregnant person!  

My first OB appointment on April 19th was a regular first appointment with a midwife -- pretty standard.  I told her about our bleeding (which had pretty much stopped by then) but she wanted to do an u/s just to make sure everything was ok.  I did not complain & we had another u/s the next day on April 20th!  I just loved seeing our bean!!  So beautiful!! I had not had a NT Scan with Aaron but since I was 2 years older, I decided to ask for one this time.  My OBs office does not do them so I made an appointment with a MFM in the area on May 7th.   Everything looked great except the nuchal fold was 2.5, which from what I understand is the higher end of normal.  The dr did not seem too concerned at my appointment but I got a call the next day that no one would like to get after they received the bloodwork results giving me a 1 in 5 chance of a chromosomal problem. This was very worrisome. We googled again to find positive stories of others given this ratio and having no issues!  Based on our drs recommendation, we decided to get an amnio done.   Yes, there are definite risks involved but after much thought on our beliefs, we decided it is what we wanted to do.   

The amnio, on May 28th, was not fun but it was not as painful as I imagined.  We saw our baby on the u/s again (loving every moment) and got to see him move & wiggle!  And our baby easily showed us that he was a BOY! We were so happy to be having another boy -- we would have been ecstatic either way but having 2 boys so close in age was amazing to us.  We were told that the initial results should be back within the next 2 days and the final results would take about a week.  Before we left too, our dr had given us another piece of worrisome news that our baby had a single artery in the umbilical cord (and normally there are two.)   As a result, they scheduled me for another anatomy scan to happen at 26 weeks to check for proper growth etc.   They were going to monitor me closely to make sure.  

I took off the next day to relax and rest after the amnio.  About noon, the genetic counselor called and gave me the best news that the initial results came back that our baby showed no chromosomal issues!!  And the following week, we received the same news from the final results.  We finally felt we could relax and enjoy being pregnant.   Our next appointment was set for June 13th.   In the meantime, we talked about names & decided we were going to share with our friends/family.  We had only told a few people prior to this as we were on pins & needles not knowing what was going to happen.  We decided on our baby boy's name fast again -- Ethan James.  I asked my DH to write an email to our families and he did on the morning of June 13th before my next routine appointment appointment.  Things had gotten busy - my DH had meant to send it earlier.  The email included pictures of Aaron in a shirt that said "I am going to be a Big Brother" and it had two trucks on it (a big one and a little one. It was so cute.)  

My appointment was at 11:30am the morning of the 13th.  It would turn out to be the worst day of my life.  I was alone as my DH was out of town for work.  While waiting, I was reading all the congratulations emails and getting nervous -- thinking about what if something is wrong and we just told everyone.  I worry about EVERYTHING.   I had not felt much movement from my bean yet so I was of course a little worried about that too but I knew I had not felt movement with Aaron until later than normal so I tried not to worry about this as well.  

I get taken back to the patient room and when the dr comes in -- he starts out with "it looks like we have nothing to worry about now that your amnio came back with such good news."  I responded with I will always worry.  And the appointment goes downhill from there.  He did an exam of my abdominal area and said that looks good for 18w, but when he goes to use the doppler, he could not find the heartbeat - he thought maybe he found it for a quick second but was not sure.  After what seemed like an eternity (and was really just a few minutes), I just knew and the tears start rolling down my eyes.   The dr tried to calm me down by saying the baby could be positioned funny as he thought he heard the HB.  He hurried out to get me scheduled for an u/s (I called my DH while he was out of the room) -- but they could not get me in for TWO hours as the u/s's are done at the hospital next door.   He told me that earlier that day, a women with out of control GD had lost her baby so he could not imagine it happening twice in one day.  He had never had that happen before.  I kept trying to believe this but again, I just knew.  

So, off I go, balling my eyes out in my car, I called my DH again and my mom.  I texted my co-worker to let her know and I posted on FB asking for prayers!  I only live 5 minutes from my drs office so I came home and tried to eat lunch & google for positive stories.  There were not many to be found.  I just knew in my heart of hearts.   My DH called me before I was to head back and tried to be positive.  He was in the process of looking for flights in case he needed to come home.   

I sat in the waiting room full of pregnant women for what seemed like another  eternity.  I texted with a friend who was trying to help me work through my nerves.  I was brought back to the u/s room and the silence was unbearable.  As soon as the tech put the wand on my belly, I knew as I did not see a HB and saw him face down not wiggling around like we had just seen 2 weeks prior and she said within a few seconds, I am so sorry!  I do not remember exactly what I did or said as I think I was in shock.  I think even though I knew, I asked "is it bad?"  I just did not want to believe it.  I think I tried to cry but no tears would come out.  But I remember said OMG, OMG, OMG!  The tech left the room to go get the radiologist.  As soon as she left, I ran to my phone to call my DH and there was no reception.  I went into the hallway and just sat on the floor, and cried as I gave my DH the news.   We could not believe it. We were devastated.  How could this happen after our amnio?   Both the tech & the radiologist came back into the room and I had to hang up - the tech had to help me get up as I had no energy.  They looked at the pictures one more time and the radiologist said "I am so sorry."  The worst words for a pregnant person to hear.   I just could not believe this was happening.   The tech called the front office, walked me back to the waiting room and the nurse was waiting for me to bring me back to patient room.  

My dr came in and I could see that he was in shock too!  He was there for me during our pregnancy with Aaron.  He knew it was not easy for us to get pregnant and what we went through up until that point with this pregnancy.  I remember him asking if I had anyone in the area to come get me and I had no one.  I knew that I had to go pick up Aaron as well.  My DH was out of town, my inlaws live several hours away, I have very few friends in the area.  I had trouble talking with all the tears flowing.  I asked him what our options were and he explained to me that I would need to deliver the baby either naturally or through an induction.  He recommended induction but suggested that I wait for my DH to get home, discuss with him the following morning and to call the office with my decision.  I knew what I wanted but decided to wait so I could talk to my DH more.  I left the office and just sat in the car.  I called my DH and we talked for a while.   And then I just sat there .... I knew I had to compose myself as I had to drive the 45 minutes to go pick up Aaron.  And I did not want to be crying in front of him and daycare.  I am not sure how I made the drive but I knew I had to stay strong for Aaron.  He is too young to truly understand.

My DH was trying to figure out how to get home as soon as he could.  I found out that he just walked out of work without telling anyone, picked up his clothes and went straight to the airport to change his flights.  In the meantime, he called his parents, who live about 4 hours away.  They dropped everything & started driving out but they could not get to Aaron's daycare in time to pick him up (plus they did not have a car seat.)   So off I went to pick up Aaron.  I continued to try to compose myself, picked up Aaron and thankfully my inlaws were at our house when I got home.  I am not sure what I did that evening but am pretty sure I was just in shock.  My DH got home about 1am.  I did not sleep much as I was just completely devastated.  

The next morning, we talked and decided to be induced.  I called my OBs office and they scheduled me to come to the hospital at 4pm.   That morning was surreal.  We had lost our baby that my DH had just announced to our families less than 24 hours earlier.  And now we were planning to say goodbye.   We had a hard time staying at home before we were to be at the hospital so while my inlaws took care of Aaron, we ran a few errands, ate at Taco Bell (yes, Taco Bell.  For some reason, I had a craving for Taco Bell) and we ate ice cream at our favorite dairy in town.  We packed our bags when we got home & headed to the hospital. 

We registered and were brought up to the maternity floor, the very same place we delivered Aaron.  Thankfully, it was empty when we arrived or I might have lost it.  Ironically, we were admitted to the same room that we used after Aaron was born and when Aaron was in the hospital with jaundice.  My DH mentioned that to the nurse and she was very sympathetic and offered to place us in a different room, but we wanted the positive memories to be with us in that room.  So we stayed.  The nurses and doctor were all fantastic as could be for the situation. Tears were shared and we felt like we were among friends.  That’s all you can hope for in that type of situation. 

We did not really have any idea what to expect.  The nurse asked a bunch of questions and went through things with us.  At about 445, the dr came in and gave me the first dose of the medication to start the induction.  She warned us that this could be a long process (up to 48 hours) as my body was truly not ready to go through delivery.  My cervix was still really high up and closed. So, we waited.  At 7pm, there was a nurse shift change so my new nurse came in & talked to us.  Both nurses so far actually remembered us from my delivery with Aaron (since it was 31 hours long, I had alot of nurses taking care of us at that time too.)  I tried to walk up & down the halls a bit but that is when I saw a very pregnant women and I had to go back into the room.  I can not remember exactly what time it was (I think around 9pm) but they gave me some ambien to help me rest that evening.  At around 3am (I think), I woke up in a lot of pain.  I have always hated using the nurse call button so I managed to get up, put on my bathrobe and walk out to the nurses station to let them know.  They immediately came in and gave me some pain meds (we had decided to first try pain meds through an IV instead of patient controlled or an epidural.  If this did not work, they would give me an epidural.  If I had gone with patient controlled, they would not be able to give me an epidural and I wanted to leave this option open just in case.)  

Fortunately/unfortunately I do not remember much until I woke up again around 530/6 when the nurse came in to check on me.  The pain meds they gave me included one that would help me forget any pain.  My DH said I was in a good amount of pain but I do not remember.  When I woke up, I asked to use the bathroom and I remember going in there & I was afraid to go because I could feel the amniotic sac bulging through me a little.  I ended up not really going out of fear of delivering our baby in the toilet.  I continued to rest and the pain started to act up again around 9am.  I asked for a new dose of meds, which they were OK with as it had been 6 hours.  Of course after they gave me the meds, I had to go to the bathroom again.  Before they let me go, they decided to put a "hat" and a towel underneath the toilet seat just in case.  It was a very good thing they did this as I ended up delivering our baby boy, Ethan at 938am while in the bathroom.  The amniotic sac had never broken and when I looked down, all I could see was his beautiful perfect little hand!  I was in shock.  The nurse who was thankfully in there with me, called for another nurse and when she got there with the dr, they helped me up and back into bed.  I could not stop crying.  I was in shock. 

Ahead of time, we had indicated that we wanted to hold him, so after a little time had passed the nurse & dr returned with Ethan swaddled in a baby blanket.  He was a perfect little boy, little hands, fingers, feet, toes, nose, and ears!  He was very tiny.  Only 4 3/8 oz and 6 ¾ inches long, but perfectly made.  He looked in perfect health.  He was so beautiful & peaceful and all I could think as the dr explained to us what had happened, is how could this happen to such a perfect little boy.  And after all we had been through up until our amnio.  The dr said that the cord was wrapped around his neck then his body and then his neck again.  It was an accident.  I could not and still have trouble believing that we lost our little boy.  

We were able to hold him (and take pictures) until the funeral director came to speak with us at 2pm, right before I was discharged.  We are so thankful for the time we were able to spend with our amazing, perfect little boy!  We know he is watching over us and he will be in our hearts FOREVER.

The following Monday we went to Funeral Home to meet with the director.  We decided to have him cremated and picked out a wooden box with a Teddy Bear on it for Ethan's remains. In the box, we included two memorial items the hospital gave to us (a little ring and a handmade heart) as well as the shirt that Aaron wore in the pictures for our announcement.  We wanted Ethan to have something from his big brother!  We planted a Lilac Tree for Ethan in our backyard.  And Ethan came home to us on that Friday, June 22nd.  

Ethan James, we love you!! we miss you!! I wish you were here with us! I will never be the same person I was without you.  I sleep with the baby blanket the hospital gave to us in your memorial box every night!  It helps me to feel safe & secure at night.