AF is here! = )

AF is here!! First step in getting this show on the road!  Baseline u/s and labs on Monday.  Hopefully everything looks good with both and we will start Femara on Monday.  I guess we will do the Femara from CD 4-8 and Follistim CD 9-13. It is going to be very strange not doing injections until CD9!  I am not complaining by any means!  I truly hopes this produces some good follies -- even if this cycle does not work, this method is a lot less expensive than a full injectables/IUI cycle.  Less injectables to purchase and less monitoring appointments.  So, I pray & pray that my body does well with this combo!!

In the non-TTC world, I am loving our new location!  Love, love, love it!!  Only thing I am not loving is my new job!  I knew when I took it that it was not going to be my dream job but it so far has turned out to be horribly boring.  They have barely given me anything to do the last 3 weeks despite my inquiring several times.  I am told this coming week should get busier so I am praying that is true.  Even if the work is boring, as long as I am busy, I am OK for now.  Not being busy & boring is a disastrous combination for me.  If things do not improve soon, I will definitely be out searching for a new job come the 1st of the year.  I have even started to update my resume for that time.

I have joined a RESOLVE group.  It just started up recently so there are now 4 of us.  I met the leader for breakfast a few weeks ago and she is wonderful!  And I will be meeting the other 2 women on Monday for my first official meeting.  We are bringing in pizza & it should be good!!

I have also joined a SHARE (Pregnancy / Infant Loss) support group.  I went to my first meeting about 10 days ago and it was difficult.  I had a hard time opening up and felt myself getting scared to say much.  I am going to give it another try by attending the December meeting.  They are having a session to make ornaments for our angels and I am looking forward to that.  I have been thinking about how best to honor/remember Ethan for Christmas!  I look forward to putting up the ornament on our small tree,which hopefully we will be putting up within the next week.  It does not feel like Christmas time to me but I am doing my best to try to get into the spirit for my little guy!  He deserves the very best Christmas this year as he has been through so much change this year and has come through the change like a champ!! I am so lucky to have him and my hubby in my life!!  I pray and pray and pray that we will be able to add to our family in the sooner than later future!!

Familiar Spot - Waiting!

I feel like when it comes to TTC, all that is done is wait, wait, wait! And here I am again in the all too familiar spot of waiting for AF to show! I was so convinced that I actually ovulated and would have a normal cycle of 30 some days.  Well, I guess I was dreaming as I am here on CD44 and day 7 of provera with no AF yet.  Ugh!   I am tired of waiting.  I want to get this show on the road!  Ready to try Femara + Injectables + IUI to see how if Femara might do its work for us in a less expensive manner! I pray it does! I know the chances are low so I must, must, must keep my expectations low (easier said than done.)  Thinking AF COME NOW vibes!!

Thankful, Sad and Guilt all mixed together!

Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day 2012.  It is really hard to believe that this holiday has already passed and Christmas is less than 5 weeks away.  This year has been a combination of wonderful & tragic times, which brings me to the question of whether it is possible to be thankful & sad at the same time?  Why do I feel guilty being sad when I truly know how much I have to be thankful for?

I have so much to be thankful for: my DH, my son here on earth with me, my son in heaven and not here with me, my dog, my health, a roof over my head, clothes, food, a job (albeit a new boring one), friends, family (despite my soured relationship with my parents - another post for a future date) and much, much more!!

I wanted to say how thankful I am for all of your support & friendship from everyone in the bloggy world, especially last week as I managed through the pain & sadness of my should be due date! Thank you so much!

However, over all of my thankfulness is a cloud of sadness for the loss of our precious son this year, the loss of our dream of having 2 sons 2 years apart and the continued stress of infertility - which makes our dream of adding to our family very difficult.  It is even a possibility this may never happen (which is a future post on how I will come to terms with this if this happens; praying it does not and we will be pregnant in the near future.)  I know there will be sadness for the rest of my life.  Just have to find a way to balance the sadness with the thankfulness so that I can lead a healthy life for both myself and my family.
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In other news, my new job is more boring than I could have ever imagined! I am not sure why they even hired me as there is not enough work to go around.  There is one person leaving our group this week and she just started a few months ago.  I think she is bored out of her mind & is leaving with no job to be a stay at home mom until she can find a better job.  Even with her going, I am not sure there will be enough work.  My new manager has told me it will get busier but I am just not seeing it yet.  I hope & pray he is right.  In the meantime, I am going to be updating my resume again and looking for a new job!!

Regarding TTC, I am in a holding pattern until AF decides to show!  Today is Day 4 of provera.  As soon as AF decides to show, we will go in for CD2 or 3 bloodwork and a baseline u/s!  Come on AF, please come sooner than later!! I am ready to get this show on the road!!!

11/13 - My Should Be Due Date

Please oh please give me the strength to make it through tomorrow in one piece.  I should be welcoming my son into this world.  I still keep wishing that the time since June would be one bad dream and I would wake up with my son in my arms.  I know that is not going to happen though.

Ethan, my sweet angel, I miss you so much!!

RE Appointment & Plan

We had our 1st consult with a new RE here in South Carolina today. I think it went well. I felt really bad as I inundated the dr with paperwork/ prior records, but I thought better to be safe than sorry.  I should have probably sent them all earlier but I was not sure what to do. The RE was very nice & spent over an hour with us. I did not think my DH was going to be able to come with me but he rearranged his schedule so he could be there! The staff was really nice too, especially the financial coordinator! One thing I did not totally like at my last RE was the office staff. And this office uses email. Yeah!! My old RE did not use email. 

I am very glad the RE does not want to do all the testing all over again - just wants to check my FSH & AMH. We decided a HSG was not needed since we were pregnant earlier this year and my DH had a SA in August when we froze his sample.  And having our FSH/AMH information will not change our plan - our RE just wants to have this information in our file.

The plan we came up with: when AF shows, I will go in for baseline u.s and labs - and if all looks good, will start a combo femara/follistim iui cycle. I have a 600iu cartridge leftover so it will be a little less expensive and less monitoring with starting my new job next week. I am happy to have a plan. If AF does not show in the next 2 weeks, I will take provera again too. The RE also wants me to consult with a MFM in the area to see if I should be using lovenox if/when we do get pregnant. I will hopefully set that up next week for early December. 

We shall see - we are getting started sooner than I thought we would as we know with being 40, our clocks are ticking!  Fingers crossed we will have success with our new plan.  If anything, we will know if Femara will work or if we will need to go straight back to a complete injectables cycle. I am treating this cycle more as a test cycle and not getting my hopes up too much (easier said than done though.)

RE Consult Postponed

My little guy woke up this morning with a 102+ degree temperature so I kept him out of daycare and postponed my consult.  Thankfully, they had an opening for Friday morning.  Otherwise, we would be waiting until after the holidays to set this up.  It was my little guy's first day at daycare yesterday so I am not sure if he caught some new germs there or if it was something from all of our travels this past weekend.  My DH does not feel well either and I feel a bit warm too so hoping we are not all catching the same thing.  And if we are, that it is nothing to be concerned with.  My little guy was up 2 times last night, which is VERY unusual, and of course I stayed up late to watch the election results so I am quite tired today!  Thankfully I am not working this week so I can go take a nap too!  I knew something was off by him getting up twice but I was still surprised to see him have a temperature this morning as he was acting normal last night - and thankfully he still is today.  Hopefully he will be able to at least go to daycare by Friday, if not tomorrow.  I wanted him to get as much time there before I start my new job on Monday.  I wish things could be a little more simple these days but we never seem to do things the easy way.

Uncertain TTC Future

I have my first consult with a new RE tomorrow morning. I am incredibly nervous. I was doing more research and found out that my new insurance (through my DH until mine takes effect next March) does not cover fertility at all.  My old insurance at least covered labs, appts and u/s.  I am not sure what we will do.  I probably should be waiting on the RE consult until next year with the deductibles and everything.  Unfortunately, it is too late as the appointment is in less than 24 hours.  I have to admit that I just want to know what another dr thinks our options are so that I can begin to try to determine the costs & we can figure out what we can afford.  And also, with our ages, we know time is not on our side.  Problem is right now we have a house that will not sell.  I start my new job on Monday but unfortunately it does not pay quite as well as my old job.  I took this job to get us back together as a family, which in the end, is the most important thing.

I did talk to my DH tonight and adding to our family is something that he really wants too. Unfortunately he is not able to come with my to the appointment (last minute work meetings).  He reassured me that he believes that we can afford IUI/Injects - and he reminded me not to get too far ahead (ie thinking about IVF - when IUI has worked for us & IVF did not.)  I tend to think 10 steps ahead and get much more stressed over things so it is nice to have has my DH's even level thinking to help me! My DH reassured me that going to the appointment tomorrow is a good thing as our time is limited (with us both being 40.)  He believes that we should not wait.  It will depend on the hours of the office as this will not be easy with starting a new job.  Ugh!  Why can't this be easier?

Any which way tomorrow goes, I am struggling a lot with the feeling of being sad that we may not be able to have more children.  Even if we can afford IUI/Injects, there is a chance that it may never work again. I feel guilty for my sadness - I remind myself every day how much I do have as my little boy is amazing but the sadness is always there. Is this horrible of me?  Sadness for what we are missing, sadness for not being able to give my son a sibling, sadness for the loss of our dreams.  And much of my recent sadness is related to the fact that my "should be" due date is in a week.  I know several women who are also due over the next month and as happy as I am for them to have their babies in their arms, I am sad that I do not get to hold my Ethan in my arms and see him grow/play with my little guy.   I keep asking the never ending question of Why?  I know this question will never be answered = (  I just keep reminding myself that I can not miss out on my little guy growing up by being encompassed by my sadness.  My angel would not want me to do that.  I truly believe that.  So many conflicting feelings and I have a feeling I will feel this for the rest of my life.

I am hoping that tomorrow will bring a little more hope than I have had today / tonight!  I am hoping that I can delay my coming to terms about the real possibility we may not be able to add to our family.  I just am not ready to do this. I truly hope that the new RE is easy and nice to work with -- and that he has hope too that our chances are decent (at least for our ages.)

Now that the election results are in, it is time for bed! Good night!