Back to Work & Feelings of Guilt & TTC again

Today was my 2nd day back to work since losing our little boy.  Yesterday was really hard but today was actually harder, especially this morning! I am finding that mornings are really hard.  I think for two reasons: when I was pregnant with my little boy, although I worried a lot due to the roller-coaster ride, I was so happy every morning to know he was with me.  I also have over an hour drive to drop Aaron off at daycare before heading to work and it gives me way too much time to think in between talking about loud trucks & trees with Aaron. Too much time to think about our loss & my empty feelings, my guilt over things, how much I miss my baby boy and how sad I am that Aaron will not get to know Ethan!  It is even harder when I walk into daycare, as there is a little boy in Aaron's class named Ethan.  It takes all my strength not to cry in front of everyone each time I see his classmate!  The afternoon at work was a little better although I still had trouble concentrating.  Thankfully I did get some "non-thinking" stuff accomplished today - it helped to have some mindless stuff to get caught up on while I was out of the office.  Tomorrow will be difficult as it will have been two weeks since we found out.  I just hope I can get a little sleep tonight.  I have not been sleeping the best but am afraid to take anything to help.  I hate the way it makes me feel in the morning.

I mentioned my feelings of guilt about things above.  Even though my dr, my family & my friends tell me there was nothing that I could have done to prevent the tragedy we have faced with our baby boy, I still feel extreme guilt. It haunts me at some point every day and probably will for the rest of my life.  I ask myself the following questions all the time. * Did all the stress I was feeling with my mom cause this? * Did I pick up Aaron too much? Did I carry him too much? * Did I bend down too much? * Did I eat too much chocolate?
* Should I not have traveled alone with Aaron that weekend? * Is there anything I should have done differently?  I keep trying to listen to my drs, friends and family -- but my guilt keeps bubbling to the surface.  Not sure how I will ever get over this sense of guilt. I wanted to find a support group but the only one I can find meets later in the evenings, an hour from my house so it will not work.  As a result, I have been going back and forth about seeing a therapist.  I have a recommendation from the genetic counselor at the MFMs office.  The thought really scares me as I have never been good about expressing my feelings.  I usually drive my DH nuts as I keep things inside until the explode.  I am just not sure I would actually open up to a stranger.  I know it would probably do me good but it terrifies me.  How do I get over this fear?  Have you seen a therapist and has it helped? 


In addition to the guilt I have about causing our tragedy, I also have a lot of guilt about not being there completely for Aaron.  I feel like my mind often wanders when I am with him - I am often thinking about what he is going to miss out on.  I often think about at what age can we tell him about his beautiful brother. I often think about what we are going to miss as a family.  I just love Aaron so much that I hope & pray I can get healthy so I can truly be there for him.  At every chance I have, I keep telling him how much I love him ("Love, Aaron"  is what I say)and how sorry I am that I am sad right now.  I hope he understands one day!! I give him kisses and hugs at every chance as well.  


My DH & I have actually started talking about TTC again.  We have talked about it a couple of times and we both want to - we truly believe that Ethan would want us to try again.  My DH is really scared though  -- he is scared to see us possibly go through this again as there is always a chance it will if we are lucky to get pregnant again.  I am scared too but know that if everything goes well, it is the most beautiful gift to bring another child into this world.  He actually brought up adoption, which really surprised me.  Before we had Aaron, my DH was not open to adoption and actually mentioned living child-free when I had brought it up.  Neither of us knows much at all about adoption.  From the very little I know, I know it can be a difficult journey full of many ups and downs as well.  Although I am open to learning more about adoption, I think for now we have decided to try with fertility treatments again.  I will be 40 later this year so I know that time is not exactly on our side.  My OB suggested that we wait 2 months before TTC again but did recommend that we call my RE to make an appointment as soon as we know we are ready to try to we can have a consult & set up a plan.  With my irregular cycles, it could turn into many months before we could actually start trying again.  There is also the issue of my DH's travels.  This could make IUI very difficult to do.  I am interested to talk to my RE about options - perhaps freezing my DH's sperm in the event that he is traveling when the IUI time comes about.  I do not know much about this option but have read a little bit about it.  Going back to IVF is also an option but it is so expensive as we do not have insurance coverage for IVF.  And perhaps embryo adoption? I know this is not an easy option or something to take lightly either but is something I may look into researching a little more, to understand better.  As I get older, I worry about the quality of my own eggs.   I have not spoken to my RE since we found out we lost Ethan, but I hope to get the courage up this week to make an appointment for early August.  I know it will be helpful to have that to look forward to and have that feeling of hope again!  Hope is what helped me through our three years of IF before Aaron so hopefully hope will help me feel better while I grieve the loss of my beautiful baby boy, Ethan! 


It is past my bedtime so I should be going to sleep!  Good night! 

A beautiful gift

My DH's siblings & their families are so wonderful! They went in together to gift us 30 trees in the Shasta-Trinity Forest in California in Ethan's name.  My BIL was visiting us yesterday and shared this with us.  I can not thank them enough for their kindness & thoughts.  

I miss my little boy!

It has been a week and one day since we found out about our little boy, Ethan James, passing away.  At this time last week, I was in the hospital being induced. This past week has been the hardest week of my life.  I have gone through every emotion in the book.  One moment I am sad, the next I am angry, the next I am lost and the next I feel empty.  I will feel OK for a moment and feel very guilty about it - then I will break down in tears! I miss my little boy so much!!  Some moments I just feel like how am I going to ever move on. I have been told that with time, it will get easier.  One thing I do know is that I will NEVER be the same person I was.  There will always be a piece of me missing.  

With all my grief this past week, I have felt very guilty about not having enough emotional energy for my beautiful son, Aaron.  I am so lucky that my inlaws are here this week to help us - thankfully they have been taking such good care of Aaron while my DH & I have been grieving.  Today was the first day that I was able to spend a little more time with him once he got home from daycare -- however, I have to admit that I could not stop thinking about how much I am going to miss not seeing him & Ethan play together.  It is so not fair that Aaron will not have a chance to know his little brother.  So not fair!!

It is time for me to go to sleep. I just want to leave my post today by telling Ethan how much I love him, how much I miss him and how much I cherish him.  And to Aaron, thank you for being sunshine in my life right now.  I am sorry I am not as emotionally available to you but I promise, I am doing my best to be strong and to get healthy so you can have your mommy back.  I may be a different person, but hopefully I can provide you with everything that you need & deserve.  Much love to my beautiful sons!

Ethan's Tree

Today, we planted a Lilac tree to honor our little boy, Ethan!  I look forward to seeing the tree bloom as I know it will be as beautiful as our little boy.  Ethan, we love you with all of our being!!  And we can not say with enough words how much you mean to us!  We know you are watching over us as well!


This post is for Ethan but I will post an update soon!  Thank you again for all of your support & thoughts!

Leslie @ My Hormonacoaster. Please send PT&Ps.

Please send positive thoughts & prayers for Leslie @ My Hormonacoaster.  She is currently in the ER in a lot of pain.   I do not have many details at this moment but will update as soon as I can.  Leslie has gone through so much this last week and I feel so bad that she is going through this continued pain.  I wish I lived closer to that I could be there to hold her hand!  Any positive vibes you can send - I know they will help!!

Update @ 8:16pm CST: Leslie texted to me to let me know they found a blood clot in her lungs.  I am lost for words.  After all she has been through, I so wish I could take this additional pain away from her!  Thinking of her & her family!  Leslie - my love & thoughts are going out to you!  Lots of positive thoughts & prayers!!

Need Strength For Today

I am going to need a lot of strength to make it through today.  We will be heading to the funeral home to make final arrangements for our little boy and then we have a follow up u/s & appt with my OB.

I have only been to a funeral home once or twice in my entire life (and I am almost 40.)  I never imagined that the next time I would be there would be to make final arrangements for my own little boy. I am not sure how I am going to be able to actually walk in the doors and not break into a million pieces.  I keep trying to remind myself that I need to be strong for him as this is just one way in which we are honoring how special he is to us and how much he means to us.

Then I have a follow up u/s this afternoon.  This will be very difficult seeing my empty uterus.  My dr was very concerned on Friday that I may have not passed all the placenta so she wants to make sure that everything is OK.  I think I did end up passing the remainder early in the morning on Saturday so I think everything will be OK.  I miss little Ethan so much that it is going to just be another reminder to me that he is no longer inside of me.  Similarly, I am not sure how I am going to walk into the doors of my OBs office with out completely breaking down.  It is where I found out that my little boy had passed away.  And seeing other pregnant women right now will send me over the edge.  (We tried to go out for lunch yesterday and I had to leave when a family with 2 young boys & a pregnant mother walked in.)  Similarly, I keep reminding myself that I need to have some strength in this situation.

I am hoping that we will have time afterwards to stop at the local greenhouse to pick up a tree in Ethan's honor.  We are planning to plant one where we live and also at his grandparents house.  I am also looking for garden stones to go right next to the trees.

Please oh please let me have the strength to make it through today!

Feeling Lonely and Father's Day

I know that my husband, family and friends are there for me.  The support that has been shown to me by everyone has been fabulous but I have this pure feeling of loneliness inside of me. It is hard to describe. I miss my little boy inside of me more than words can say.  I absolutely loved the feeling of being pregnant with him and the feeling that he was always there with me day & night was so comforting to me as my DH traveled a ton the last few weeks.  I always knew that I had him with me at work, while driving to get Aaron from daycare, when Aaron went to bed, while sleeping at night.  And with him being taken from us so suddenly & too early, I miss him so much.  I feel so lonely without him.  I keep trying to remind myself that he is watching over us and that he will always be a part of us.

I am going to do my best to be strong today for both my son & my husband.  I know it is Father's Day and I know it is going to be a really hard day for my DH.  As much I have tried, I have not really been emotionally available the last few days and I must do my best today to be there for my DH as he struggles through a day where we should have been celebrating Aaron and our son Ethan to be born in November instead of celebrating Aaron and mourning our loss of Ethan.  I am so lucky to have my DH.  He is my rock and I am not sure what I would do without him.  I hope that I can make today as good of a day for him as possible under the circumstances.

6/15/12 - Tribute to my beautiful little angel

I wanted to let you know that my beautiful boy was born yesterday on 6/15/12 at 938am.  He weighted 4.8 ounces and was 6 3/4 inches long.  We named him Ethan James and are blessed for time we were able to spend with him.  He will forever be in our hearts.   We love him and our son, Aaron, more than words can express.  We know that Ethan will be watching over us in whatever we do.

Now, we work on the physical and emotional healing.  I may actually be blogging more than normal to help journal my feelings & emotions.  I think it will be helpful to document the words i am feeling.  I am also in search of a support group  (have been in touch with my MFMs office) and may potentially be seeking out a therapist too.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words & support!  And a special thank you and love to Leslie (Leigh from http://hormonacoaster.blogspot.com/ as she goes through everything she has gone through as well with the loss of her beautiful little boy.  My thoughts are with you and your family!!

Induction & Thank you to everyone!

I am going in at 4pm today for our induction and I wanted to say thank you to everyone for all of your wonderful thoughts & prayers during this difficult time! It means the world to me - it has helped me with the emotional pain and will help me get through the physical pain over the next day or so.  

Please also pray for my friend, Leigh, as she goes through her induction this morning.  I am sending as quick as possible/as pain free as possible vibes to her!  Thinking of her & wishing her the best under the circumstances!

Not Fair!! Please send hugs to my bloggy friend Leigh and my IV/FB friend, Kerryl

My bloggy friend, Leigh at My Hormonacoaster! also found out some very sad news today at her 16 week u/s.  Leigh has been a wonderful friend throughout my journey and I have been so excited to be pg right along with her. She has been through so much the last 10 years and I am so sad for her right now! Please send a hug to Leigh! We are there for you, Leigh and want you to know that we are thinking of you!!!  Please know you are not alone as we are there in spirit with you as you go through this difficult time!  


I also wanted to send my thoughts and prayers to my IV and FB friend Kerryl at http://trifectagirl.blogspot.com.au who lost her husband today.  I am thinking of her, their son John and their families.  

Very sad day! No heartbeat.

We found out today at our 18 week appointment that our baby passed away. We are heartbroken.

All is well on the Chromosomal Front!

I received the results of my full amnio report today and all is well with the chromosomes.  Also, no neural tube or spina bifida concerns as well.   I am very relieved to hear this!  I feel like I can relax a little bit - of course I will never fully relax especially with the single artery in the umbilical cord going on.  I am looking forward to discussing this with my OB at my appt on the 13th and hopefully having a little extra monitoring done to ease my concerns/worries.  I have another scan with the MFM in 2 months so I am hoping I can sneak in another one with my OB in between.  My OBs office usually does an anatomy scan around 20 weeks so maybe I can still have that done. 


We are looking forward to telling the rest of our family very soon!  We have only told my parents and my SIL (so my BIL most likely knows too.)  We bought a shirt that has trucks on it to have Aaron wear that states I am going to be a big brother -- and we are going to a Touch a Truck event this weekend so I am hoping to get a cute picture of Aaron with the shirt on in one of the trucks to send in an email to the rest of our family.  Here is a picture of the shirt!  

Thank you again for all of your wonderful support throughout the rollercoaster of the first 17 weeks of my pregnancy.  I hope that I will not jinx myself by relaxing a little bit.  I am finally feeling OK to add a ticker too so I will be putting that up soon.  YEAH!!   Thank you again.

Please do not let me become my mom!!

I am so disappointed with my mom.  I should know her better but for some reason, I hold out hope that one day she will actually want to be a grandmother in actions, rather than words.  So I have been debating about visiting my DH with my little guy one of the last two weekends in June.  And then I found out that my parents want to visit my DH the last weekend in June so I suggested visiting the same weekend.  Can you believe that my mom was more concerned that she had invited another couple along with them than seeing their grandson?  Ummmm???  You get to see your grandson maybe 3 or 4 times a year at most.  I would have thought you would have said we see our other couple friend ALL the time as they live in the same community, that it would be more important to see my daughter and our grandson.  But no! She acted all like well, we can cancel if you want to - passive aggressive crap in my opinion.  Initially, I thought well, maybe to avoid my mom & her obnoxiousness, I would go the other weekend but them my inlaws offered to come the other weekend to help me out (what a nice change from my parents) so I decided to screw my mom & still go down the weekend she was looking to visit. So I told her tonight that I was looking to go down that weekend and will probably be making an OB appointment or two to meet some new drs before we move.  You know what she said --- well, we can not change our dinner plans to eat out with you and Aaron as we normally eat pretty late.  HOLY MOLY - are you kidding me?  That is the most important thing on her mind.  Not, well - if you need help with watching Aaron during your appointments, we would be happy to help or not, well we can change our plans with our friends.  NOTHING like that!  What is wrong with my mom?  I really wonder what my dad thinks.  I think he tends to go along with whatever my mom wants to make her happy as if she is not happy, she is a b****.   I have not asked my mom for one bit of help in the time since my little guy was born.  Am I asking for too much?  My DH tells me that I just need to tell her what I need and how I feel but I am afraid she will get so defensive about what a great grandmother she is and that it will get me all stressed, that it is not worth it.  I was going to ask her for help but when she made the comment about dinner, I just forget it!  I am never going to get what I need/hope for.

Can you tell I am absolutely PO'd?  My mom wanted to be a grandmother for SOOOOO long.  I think she likes the title and wants to say she is a grandmother but is not willing to really be one.  I feel really bad for Aaron and baby #2 as they will truly never get to know her.  But, in the end, I do not agree with much that she does so maybe I do not want my children to get to know her that well.  That is probably really mean of me to say but I really do not know how to feel right now?

Can you also believe - she visited my brother & his wife and my niece this past weekend, and she complained about not doing much?  My niece is only 7 months old.  Why do you always have to have something to do - why can you not enjoy the company and seeing your grand-daughter?  When she does come visit us, she spends more time reading her Kindle than she does with my little guy?  She thinks a 1/2 hour with him in plenty of quality time.

Please oh please do not let me become like my mom when I am older!

(Ps.  I do love my mom.  She was not the best mom growing up but I had a very good, comfortable childhood.  I did not miss out on much & had a lot of opportunities.  My mom shows her love by buying things for others so I had a lot of nice things.  I do see today why I am the way I am in certain ways (lack of self esteem, quiet etc.) but I still grew up well.)  

Thank you for letting me vent! I really needed to get this out!   Today was a bad day at work too so I am a big stressball.  I think I will go use the doppler in a moment = )  I need to put a smile on my face. Poor baby #2 today with all the stress.

** Think happy thoughts ***