Twice the fun!!

I haven't had a chance this week to post about my ultrasound this past Monday.  I am slacking!

It was amazing & shocking all at the same time!  I was alone as my DH was not able to go with me (DS was sick & home from school) so I was very nervous but tried to remember my betas & the nausea that my body was experiencing.  Even though I suspected it might be twins, it is still shocking to see in real life!  I never imagined my body capable of having twins implant.  My u/s was at 7w - Baby A measured 6w5d with HB of 130 and Baby B measured 7w0d with a HB of 125.  My local RE was pleased and said everything looked good.

My DS was sick much of this week so my planned relaxation day on Monday was not really so.  Despite a 103 degree fever, he is still very much active.  It has been really hard with the nausea until I was finally able to get some Zofran later this week.  Zofran has saved the day!  The nausea has been worse than I have experienced in any of my pregnancies.  I have not been throwing up (thankfully!) but with the nausea, I had not been able to eat or drink.  Nothing tasted good and I couldnt even drink water.  I lost almost 5 pounds.  I emailed my clinic early in the week after trying to manage through the nausea for almost 1 1/2 weeks & they suggested B6/unisom which I took on Tuesday evening/Wednesday but all it did was give me a huge headache.  I finally broke down and asked for Zofran.  I feel so much better and actually ate a piece of pizza last night! Still not 100% but it is so much better!  Drinking is still not easy as water just tastes blechy!  I did not drink one soda with my last two pregnancies but I have been drinking some Sprite Zero this past week.  The bubbles help and at least I am getting some fluids (not great, albeit....)

Today is 7w5d and there is still a long long way to go!  Just hoping & praying that all goes smooth. My DH started talking about things like a new car & getting on a waiting list at my DS' school.  Although important especially daycare, I couldnt even compute with how early it is.  I told him I need to at least get past the first trimester. Next appt is my first OB appt on 12/30.  The two times I have called their office, they always ask when my last period was and honestly, I cant remember.  I always have to say it doesnt matter & go into an explanation about the transfer.  It will be interesting to see their knowledge of the donor egg/sperm process too.  I do know so far I really like the OBs office I have chosen.  I have never been there before but it was going to be the one I was going to use in 2012 before our loss.  I spoke to the OB coordinator on Thursday when calling to inquire about Zofran and she was so nice!  I am not 100% sure if this appt will include an u/s.  I sure hope so!!  I will probably beg for one!!!

Happy Holidays to everyone!!  Thinking of you & Hoping that 2014 is a great year!!

Less than 4 days to go!

It has been two weeks since my last beta and I have a little less than 4 days to go until our first u/s.  This wait has definitely been harder.  The wait has been a longer than I have ever had and the nausea set in earlier (and has been on and off like the kitchen sink, driving me crazy & insane.)  I am finding myself more nervous as the time gets closer.  Thankfully I am taking tomorrow and Monday off.  Tomorrow is a me-day where I am going to come back home & sleep after dropping my little guy off at daycare, do a little shopping & get my hair cut.  And I had originally planned for Monday to be a me & DH day but it looks like he has to go back to work after the u/s.  I wanted to take Monday off just in case the news is not good so I could sulk without having to worry about work. I *hope* and *pray* that we will be celebrating but the IF / loss part of my brain wanted to be extra prepared just in case.

I am a little nervous as I am not crazy about the RE that will be doing my u/s.  My favorite nurse will be there so that will be good.  We are driving an hour to the u/s just so I can have my favorite nurse there.  I could have had it closer to home but then the RE I really really dislike would be doing the u/s and my favorite nurse would not be there so I decided we are driving.   It is a satellite office closer to my work.

Hopefully I will have good news to share in about 3 days, 15 hours (as my appt is at 8am.)

Beta #2 = )

I am sorry to keep this short but I had beta #2 done today.  My stomach was a ball of knots all morning until I heard back from my clinic around noon.  My beta came back at 1065.  31 hours doubling time!  Next step is to schedule my first u/s around 7w.  A 2 1/2 week wait instead of 1 1/2 weeks!  How will I make it?  One day at a time, right?  I just have to remember to breathe, enjoy & take things one day / step at a time!! Otherwise I will drive myself & everyone around me nuts!!!

Thank you for all of the support & well wishes!  Happy Thanksgiving for my US friends! And happy 1/2 way through the week for those not celebrating Thanksgiving!

Beta Day

Today was beta day and as usual, very nerve-wracking even though I had been testing with HPTs the last few days!  Thankfully work was busy so it kept my mind semi-distracted and then my local nurse, who I love, emailed me the results as well.  My beta came back at 363!  I go back on Wednesday for beta #2. The CA clinic did not check progesterone and it seems like talking to a friend that it is not part of their protocol.  I am on PIO so it should be OK but I sent an email tonight to double check & ask if it might be possible to get it tested just for peace of mind as I am a nervous patient.  It seems like drs are split on whether they test or do not test so if they say no, I will trust that it is OK & not worry although I would rather know, having known in the past!

Transfer Complete! Now we wait!!

I have been a little quiet lately mainly to minimize my stress levels and guard myself. This process can be so overwhelming so I am trying to do everything within my control to prevent that feeling from happening. Work is stressful right now too.  And add on daycare frustrations that we are trying to work through - minimizing stress is not easy!!

I had my transfer on Saturday 11/16 so I am 2dp5dt of 2 beautiful embies!! I apologize the picture is upside down.

I managed to do the PIO shot myself for the last 4 days. I ended up giving myself a huge bruise as I had to do them on the same side each night since I couldn't reach the other side well enough. One night I had to even poke myself twice because I did not get all the PIO out of the syringe! Between that and the bruises the lovenox is leaving, I am a mess!! Fun times but if this works, it will be worth it times infinity! Beta on 11/25 so I am hoping & praying with all my might that this brings us our rainbow baby/ies! One more week to go!!

Short Update

With the time change, I am exhausted! I shouldn't be but between not sleeping well last night (thankful to my snoring husband) & my little guy being up early, it has been a longggg day! We had a fun day with going to the children's museum but I am pretty tired. I realized it has been three weeks since I have last written. Work is still crazy but that is a good thing! It has helped to keep me distracted from thinking about our cycle too much! I have a lining check on Tuesday and I am praying all is good! I am very very nervous as I have never been on estrogen patches before. I am afraid for some reason that they are not working! I have been on them for almost 2 weeks and today when I peeled them off to change them, my skin was all red & itchy! Weird! I wonder why after two weeks this has happened??? If it happens again on Tuesday, I will ask my nurse at my lining check if this is normal or not! Fingers crossed all is good on the lining front and we will be given a transfer date!! Then I can make my plane, hotel & car reservations! I am very nervous about the possibility of having to do PIO on my own. Not sure I can do it!! I may need to see if the clinic can help me. My DH will not be going with me as he will stay here to watch our little guy. Have you ever given PIO to yourself? I do have some crinone. Do you think it would be ok to ask to use this for a few days while I am out there or is it bad to rotate between the two different kinds of progesterone? I am not afraid of the PIO shot being given by someone else. Just afraid of giving it to myself. On a non TTC note, My 11th anniversary was yesterday! Hard to believe we have been married for 11 years! We went out for sushi to one of our favorite restaurants (called TakoSushi.) They have Japanese & Mexican food so my little guy has quesadillas! It is a perfect mix. Hopefully though it is my last round of sushi for a long long time (unless we squeeze it in one more time before our transfer.) It was an uneventful anniversary! We took my little guy to the park & zoo in the morning, took a nap and then went to dinner!! It was perfect! I much prefer low-key celebrations! All in all, life is pretty good! Always missing my angel! But blessed for having my DH, my little guy here and my angel in my heart! The week my transfer will be if all is good on Tuesday will be when my due date was supposed to be last year. It will be a tough week as I should be celebrating a 1st birthday but hopefully Ethan will be watching over us!! Time for bed!! Good night!

Update - We are moving forward!!

What a crazy long week this has been!! I think I am going to go to bed but I wanted to write an update. We have been matched!!! We received a profile last Friday and accepted it on Sunday night! WOO HOO!!! We had our psych consult this Wednesday and a baseline u/s yesterday! Our consult went really well. I so wish the therapist was local as I would go see him more often but we ended up doing the consult via Skype since he is in California! Baseline u/s went well and I have been given the clear to start Lupron on Tuesday!! I start Folgard tomorrow morning, Lupron on Tuesday, stop BCP on Thursday and if AF shows on time, start the Vivelle Patches on 10/22. Transfer is tentatively set for 11/11 - 11/19 but can change depending on donor's response & timing. Unfortunately anything can change at anytime so I just have to remain flexible and not be too attached!! Easier said than done! I am a little nervous as I will be doing both PIO & Lovenox (starting on the day of transfer this time around.) But I am willing to do both forever if it means a healthy baby!! With the way things are going, mid-November will be here before we know. My inlaws are visiting this weeek for 4 days, my DS1s 3rd birthday is next Saturday and then our 11th anniversary is November 2nd. And work is nutty and probably will be for a few more weeks. It is nice to be busy to help the time go by but I have to remember to keep my stress at bay too. Again, easier said than done! Any suggestions or recommendations on ways to keep stress at bay during this process? Thank you!!

What to do? What to do?

I had my saline sono this past Monday and everything looks good! And they did my bloodwork as well at the same time. Everything came back well except my thyroid levels, which were up to 3.8. I am already on 112mcg of synthroid so they have increased my dosage to 125mcg starting tomorrow. In the email to me today, they sent me a lab slip and asked me retest in 4-6 weeks. I assumed this meant there would be a delay in getting a match until I get my thyroid straightened out. To my complete & utter surprise, there is a potential profile in my inbox right now, sent to me tonight. OMG!!! I am in shock! I am tired tonight so I decided I would wait until I am rested tomorrow to review the profile with my DH. I, however, took a sneak peak at the potential calendar, which was not a good idea for someone who should be going to bed! The calendar shows that it would have me out in California when my parents are scheduled to come visit us (about 6 weeks from now.) I truly never expected things to happen this fast! They have absolutely no idea we are still TTC at all and they would freak out if they knew as they think I am too old (just turned 41). I had written in past posts about how the were not happy when we got pg last year & had all the issues we did. I normally wouldn't care but we have finally gotten our relationship built back up after it fell apart when they treated me terrible last year during my pg & after our loss. I am now scared to read the profile. What am I going to do if we really like the profile???? I have never been very good about making excuses to cancel things and I know my parents would be really mad as they have not seen my little guy since mid-July. One thing on my mind is to just tell them how crazy work is and that maybe we should come out there for Thanksgiving instead - although I hate to have to visit them when either doing PIO or finding out if our cycle is a BFP or BFN. And I was saving Thanksgiving weekend as a potential potty training weekend too, if it doesnt happen before-then. What to do? What to do? First step before I worry is to read the profile forgetting about my parents to see if we like it and go from there! The one question I do have is if it is OK to cycle while trying to get my thyroid straightened out again? I will ask the clinic on Monday if we decide to accept the match. Our psych consult is this Wednesday as well. We are having it through Skype with a therapist in California. Should be interesting!! Off to bed if I can sleep!!

AF Finally Came! Time to get things rolling!

Woo Hoo!! AF finally came!! She arrived with some spotting on Thursday and a little heavier on Friday. It has been one of my lighter AF's though, which I am not complaining about by any means! In no way shape or form do I miss her being heavy! I spoke to the clinic in California on Thursday and was supposed to start BCPs today but my local pharmacy said they didn't receive an order for them so I wasnt able to start them. I left a message on Saturday morning but did not hear anything back. It wasn't an emergency so I didn't call the after hours line. I hopefully will get things squared away tomorrow so I can start them tomorrow night or Tuesday morning (I cant remember if they need to be taken in the morning or can be taken at night.) I also spoke to the local clinic that I will be going to and let them know an order for the saline sonogram will be coming through. The nurse was so nice & comforting. I was worried since this is a new clinic for me that things would be more difficult to get started! I will call back tomorrow to schedule. They also gave me a recommendation for a therapist to schedule or psych consult with. I called & left a message Friday afternoon but did not hear back. Many drs here close at noon on Fridays (jealous!) so I was not surprised. Hopefully I will hear back tomorrow and if not, I will try calling again! Must be persistent, right? So excited to get the ball rolling!! Once these few steps are completed, it will be more waiting while they work on finding a match for us! Cant wait to get on that list!! I have been told the time to be matched is around 2 months! I would love a December transfer but it is probably looking more early next year! I hate wishing the time away but at the same time I want that time to be here!! Happy week ahead to everyone!!

AF Come Now!!

As usual once we have made a decision, AF has decided to be evasive and not show. Ugh!! I am so tired of waiting! Once I make a decision, I just want to move forward. There is going to be enough waiting once the saline u/s and psych consult are complete so I really did not want to wait now. All I can think about these days is getting started. It is looking more and more like we will not be matched & have our transfer until early next year. Thinking AF Come Now thoughts!! Wish there was a natural way to bring on AF - if she doesnt show this week, I am going to ask to start provera. This makes me nervous as last time I used provera, I had 3 weeks of spotting until she finally made her appearance. Sometimes provera makes me ovulate on my own so it takes even longer. I guess I should brace myself for more waiting no matter how much I do not want to!! OK, enough venting & whining from me!!

We have decided!

We are going to do it!  We are going to go forward with the dual-donor embryo at California Conceptions. I have to say it feels so good to have made a decision on what we will do!  I love having a plan!! This program is one fee for up to 3 cycles  I am hoping & praying it does not take us 3 cycles but it is a good feeling to know that we will be able to try 3 more times if needed! I think I am actually going to ovulate on my own (Cd45 today) so unless a miracle of all miracles happens, then I will hopefully start BCPs in 2 weeks & start the pre-requisite testing & have the saline u/s completed as well.  I found a local clinic here that will do local monitoring for me (yeah!) so that I do not have to go back to my previous RE (double yeah!).  We will also need to get a psych consult done.  Once we get all of this done, they will work on matching us!  I have been told it will take up to 2 months.  I am ok if it takes two months as I would prefer to wait until late November or December for a transfer.  Things at work are so crazy right now that I would not be able to travel out to California any time before this!  Here we go, back on the TTC rollercoaster again!!

Time flies

It is hard to believe that it has been 3 months since I have last written.  Not much in terms of TTC has happened over the last 3 months as we have been quite busy with moving & keeping up with our little guy.  It is hard to believe that he will be 3 in a little over 2 months.  Where does the time go?  Over the last three months, we bought a house, moved out of our apartment into our new house and sold our house in Michigan (finally, after a painful 13 months on the market!)  Two weeks ago we finally got our SC drivers licenses and license plates!!  It feels so good to be official residents now!  And we absolutely love it here!  Love our new house, love the weather (well, except for all the rain but it is much better than snow) and love all that there is around us! I cant wait to continue to get settled, unpacked and learn more about our area!

With that being said, we are missing our angel every single day and we very much want to continue to try to add to our family. We have decided to move forward with Embryo Adoption - with our ages & issues, we feel it is the best option for us to expand our family (hopefully!).  We are looking at 2 different possibilities right now.  We have a consult this coming Tuesday to discuss the 2nd and hopefully will be able to make a decision very very soon!!  Either option will require a SHG and blood work - and one of the options requires a psych consult before matching would occur.  So, any which way, hopefully we can get these done with my next cycle and be on our way with a possible transfer at the end of the year/beginning of next year.

Whatever we decide will be our last chance.  I am hoping & praying that the next chapter of our life after TTC will include a new addition to our family in our arms!!

Our possible next step: Embryo Adoption

It has been a little bit of a struggle since our failed cycle but I am seeing a glimmer of hope in that we have decided to research & understand embryo adoption better to see if we can afford this option.  I have pretty much ruled out IVF with my own eggs in that we can not afford it and also, I can not wrap my head around spending that much money for a 15-20% chance at my age.  I have my very first consult on Tuesday and hopefully will set up another consult with a different clinic very soon as well!!  We shall see!  I know nothing is guaranteed and we may not be able to afford any of this.  Trying not to get my hopes up too much.

Not going to happen for us this time

It looks like this cycle is a bust! AF hasn't officially arrived but she is tormenting me with her pre-AF cramps. They started yesterday and I just knew. It just suks as this is probably the end of the road for us.  We may have one last option but we have to get moved into our new house (yep, our bid was accepted!! At least one good piece of news!) and figure out if we can afford it.  IVF is too expensive and after 4 failed Iuis, they just don't make sense anymore with my DHs counts. They are too low now. I so wish $ was not such a consideration.

It is going to take a while to come to terms with things right now but I know we will be ok.  Still hoping that we can figure out how to afford our last option after we are settled into our house later this summer.  In the meantime, I will work on accepting that I can't have another sibling for my amazing DS.  I am very lucky to have him.

Thank you for you support.  I appreciate it very much.

One week down, one more to go....

I have survived the last week - can I survive the next one? This past week has gone by so slow despite being busy. I really hope this next one goes by faster. I should know by mid week though.  I usually just know without testing by 11/12dpiui.  One minute I feel hopeful & the next sad / frustrated that it may not work.  It is even harder knowing we are almost at the end of our road & may never be able to have another child.

If this cycle doesn't work, I think we have one more chance.... I will write more @ this later.  Hoping I do not need to worry @ this.

In non-ttc news, my DH & I had our first date night since we moved last year last night. My DS's daycare has a parents night out once a month so we decided to try it.  DS did very well & we has fun.  We looked at a new house, went to dinner & then put a bid on the house. Yep, that's right!!! We are so excited & nervous. We hope we get it!!!  Fingers crossed for a great week on both fronts.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

The lovely 2WW

1dpiui today and the lovely 2WW jitters are already here!  My IUI was yesterday morning and all went smooth, except the counts very low again (1.5mm).  I was very disappointed when I saw the numbers as I had hoped they would be better this time.  I know the chances are low this will actually work but I am hoping & praying with all my might!  I keep reminding myself that I need to be positive.  It is hard though when my RE again after the IUI before he left the room, suggested "if this does not work, we should meet and discuss IVF."  I kept my cool, shook my head all the while thinking - I cant afford it at your clinic.  I hope that I do not have to worry about it.  I am trying not to think about it!  It scares me!  Hopefully the next 2 weeks will fly by!!

Lets get this IUI party started!!!

I wish it were actually a party!!  I kind of feel like it is as it is so nice to have a little hope again! I had my baseline u/s today and everything looked good! Lining was thin and I had 15-18 small follies on each side.  My bloodwork results were not back yet but I was given the green light to start meds tonight.  Yeah!!  225 IUs of Gonal F each night and my next ultrasound scan is on Monday 4/15.  I think I messed up my injection tonight by only giving myself 187.5 IUs as I think I missed a click.  I have trouble with the Gonal F pen as compared to the follistim pen!  At least it was the first night so I think it will be ok.  I will have to make sure I click it all the way for the next injections!  Here's to hoping that IUI #4 will be magical!!!

Hard to believe....

My body is getting ready to ovulate on its own on cd56 and after 10 days of provera. My nurse called it bizarre but said anything can happen.  I rarely ovulate on my own so this is quite a surprise!  I had a 29mm cyst today at my scan today so it is likely to happen sooner than later.  Only problem is actually being able to try as we are in a hotel room with our little guy all weekend. And he usually likes to sleep with us when at a hotel.  Even if we can't it will be ok as I am scheduled for a mammogram on Thursday & it is just nice to know I actually can ovulate albeit late & after provera.  So we shall see! No explanation for spotting the last week though.... I wish I just knew why!

Happy weekend!!

Still No AF

I took my last (10th) dose of provera last night and still no AF.  I was so hoping that AF would be here sooner than later but of course when I want her to be here, she is not!  It has taken up to 14 days before AF has arrived - I keep praying it will not take that long as I am ready to go!  I want to order my meds & get started! I am excited and hoping that this IUI may be the one to bring us our addition to our family! Please, oh please let this be the one!  I keep reminding myself to focus on this cycle and not think about what ifs!  I must stay in the moment!

Here's hoping that AF will be here this weekend!!  If you are reading this and could do a small AF dance for me, that would be appreciated!! I will be thinking COME NOW AF thoughts until she is here!!

Started Provera Tonight!

Yes, I should be in bed!  It is late but I wanted to write a little before going to bed.  Took my first pill a little over an hour ago!  We are on our way again!  Unfortunately, I do not know if AF will show in 5 days or 15 days.  My body is so unpredictable!  Gotta love irregular cycles. NOT!  I was thinking back today to the days before TTC where I loved long, irregular cycles.  If I only knew then what I know today.

The plan is to do our LAST IUI/injectables.  We are going to mimic my successful cycles as much as possible with doing solely Gonal-F, and starting stims on CD5 instead of CD3.  Both my successful cycles I started meds on CD5 and we used follistim.  My RE here in SC only uses Gonal-F but I think they are pretty much the same so I am OK with this.  I am not sure what dose my RE has planned for me yet.  I know we bopped between 150IU and 125IU of Follistim so I imagine it will be the same.  Thankfully no Femara or Bravelle. Hopefully I will only be on meds for 10-11 days instead of the crazy 14-16 days with my last 2 cycles.

I am excited and nervous. I am hopeful and scared.  I am praying with all my might that this works. Please oh please!! I must not and will not think about the difficult decision making that will need to happen if this does not work.  I must not add that stress to my life at the moment!!  I must remind myself to stay in the current moment & cycle!!

My current RE has been driving me a little crazy.  I am leaning towards consulting with the other clinic in town, especially if this cycle does not work.  I am thinking about calling tomorrow actually to set up a consult appointment.  I have 4 friends here that I have met through RESOLVE and they all go to this other clinic.  Although no REs office is perfect, they have very positive things to say.  There have been a lot of little things ranging from the mean Dr during my first cycle to never hearing one word from my RE on my DH's recent SA (yes, can you believe that????) to today, where they wanted to charge me an office visit for stopping in to get a quick blood draw to test my thyroid.  I said no thank you - please write me up a lab order for the local lab where I do not have to pay this. Yes, it took another hour to get the blood drawn but saved me my co-pay.  This is the dr that also charged us two office co-pays for one consultation when both my DH & I were there.  I stupidly paid it but afterwards, realized how ridiculous that was.  I should have complained. I am glad I did make a fuss today though.  The not getting back to us on the SA is HUGE but in the end, I decided to do this last IUI with him because he does know my history and we decided to do one more IUI despite the SA leading us to IVF.  If my DS was not from our 4th & last IUI when TTC #1, I would not be doing this but I am hopeful that #4 will be lucky for us again. (PLEASE OH PLEASE!)

Enough venting from me for today!! Off to bed I go!!  Dreaming that AF will show sooner than later so we can get this show on the road!!

I think we have a plan

My DH had his SA today and we actually received the results this evening (via email, unfortunately.  A little annoyed they sent it without calling.)  Like my normal self, I freaked a bit and then my DH calmed me down.  His count is considered lower than normal and his morphology is severely abnormal (which we already knew).  We have been talking about whether to do one last IUI cycle or move on to IVF.  My clinic starts IVF cycles at certain times and the cycle times that make most sense for us start at the end of April or mid-May.  With that being said, we have decided to try to squeeze in one last IUI cycle.  My little guy is from our decision to do one last IUI in early 2010 and so I am H&P that we have the same success we did 3 years ago.  I know it is a little geeky, but I studied our 2 successful cycles versus our BFN cycles and noticed that we started stims on CD5 instead of earlier so I am going to ask to do the same here.  And with the last two cycles, we have tried different meds so I am going to ask to use Gonal F (as it is most similar to Follistim, used in our cycles with our old RE in Michigan.  My current RE does not use follistim.)  Hopefully my RE will be open to a) doing another IUI cycle and b) working with me to start on CD5 and using Gonal F.  There is one other RE clinic in the area that I could talk to if my RE is not willing to work with me on this.  I like my RE (except annoyed today we did not receive a call) so I would prefer to stay with him.  We shall see.  I really would love to be able to go back to my RE in Michigan but they are a little far!!  I just have a gut feeling my RE is going to try to persuade me to go to IVF directly with the SA results.  I need to stick to my gut feeling and go with what we think is best.  We shall see!!  Waiting for AF to show.  I think she will show this weekend as I think I may have ovulated on my own -- but I have been wrong on this before.  If AF does not show by CD35 (next Friday), I will start provera.  Hoping I will not have to though and we will be on our way soon.

The scary thing about all of this is that I *know* we probably only have 2, maybe 3 chances left in our TTC journey.   IUI, IVF and possibly FET if we were to have frozen embies remaining and IUI / IVF do not work.  It is scary to think about this and I am trying to be as positive as I can be.  The harsh reality is they might not work.  I am working on thinking positively and not worrying about this until this bridge needs to be crossed but it is possibly closer than we think.  I am just H&P we make it to the path of pregnancy & do not need to go down this road EVER.  Why oh Why does this have to be so hard!!!

One Year Ago Today / Small Update

One year ago today was my IUI that brought us our sweet angel.  It is so hard to believe that it has been a year.  And quite the year it has been.  I miss my little boy more than words can say.  I have come a long way since June of last year.  As much as it is so unfair that we lost him and how I would so much rather have him here with us, I am so very thankful for the short time we were able to spend together.  He has definitely helped me to be a better and more compassionate person.  Although it has not started out as we had hoped, I am hoping that 2013 is less of a roller-coaster and that we are able to expand our family.

We are still trying to decide what our next steps are going to be but my DH is finally ready to get his SA done next week to check his counts.  I brought up the SA last night and my DH got all stressed out about it. In retrospect, I probably should have waited to ask him as it was later in the evening and I had just gotten home from my support group.  I am always emotional after my support group.  After talking last night, I thought we were pretty much on the path to take another cycle off.  However, today my DH apologized for reacting the way he did and would like to move forward with getting the SA done next week.  I am going to call in the morning to make an appointment.  I told him I did not want to pressure him but my body clock is ticking really loud.  I told him I want us to be on the same page so even if we get the SA done next week, we can still decide it is best to take another cycle off.  Although I really do not want to!  So, we shall see.  At least my DH being ready for his SA is a small step forward.  Here's hoping that his counts are strong enough to do one more IUI!!  If not, IVF here we come!

Three Years Ago Today

Three years ago today we found out we were officially pregnant with our little guy!  As much as I am struggling now with TTC and adding to our family, thinking about my little guy makes me smile so much!!  My pregnancy, especially the beginning, was a roller coaster and I am so thankful for him every day!! I could not imagine my life without him.  He brings so much sunshine to my life and I could not have made it through the last year without him.  I hope and pray that he knows every day how much I love him!  His one amazing little boy!

Struggling

I am struggling with what to do? I know that this is a personal decision that no one else can make for us but if you have any guidance or advice on questions to ask the dr or myself while deciding, I am open ears!!

We had our STBU appt on Monday. It went as I had expected with my RE recommending IVF - however, he did add on a surprise in that he thinks we should do PGD due to our ages and our history.  He will not try to persuade us against another IUI/Injectable cycle as it has worked for us in the past - but he did remind me that the chances decrease with age and the low counts we have seen the last two cycles.  He did say he thought we should only do one more.  We briefly talked about embryo adoption but he did not think we should go there yet. I am not sure though that I made it clear that if we do ivf, it is our last chance. There will be no other chance unless we have frozen embies.

I just do not know what to do.  Do we do another Iui & if it doesn't work, that will have been $ we could have used for ivf?  Do we do ivf with my own eggs which is much more expensive than iui at a success rate of 20-25% for my age (versus I think less than 10% for an IUI)? Do we do PGD? Or do we look at embryo adoption, which is slightly less expensive than ivf with a slightly higher success rate?  Donor eggs are pretty much out of the question as we can not afford it.  We will be stretching ourselves with IVF if we do decide to go that route.  And if we do IVF, I am leaning towards not doing PGD with the extra expense that would add.  I need to read more on it though.

I have tried in my mind to start a pro's and con's list.  Please let me know if you think I am missing anything as this is just the beginning of what is in my tired brain tonight.

IUI:
Pro: Less expensive.
Con: Less chance of success

IVF:
Pro: Higher success rate than IUI.  Possible frozen embies to work with if this does not work (we had 2 last time.)
Con: Much more expensive so question here is the expense worth the slightly higher success rate??  Success rate at my age only 20-25%.

EA:
Pro: Higher success rate than IVF with own eggs.
Con:  Expensive as well.  These are embies that someone decided not to use.  No genetic relationship, which I wonder if it worked if it would be a problem in the long run with a DS who is genetically related and a child who is not?

I think about this constantly throughout the day.  But I guess that we should have my DH do the SA again and go from there.  He probably will not be able to do until the end of the month, which seems like an eternity.  Ugh!! I hope time goes by fast!!  I am already going crazy on this break!

First Decision

Unless our STBU appointment somehow changes my mind drastically tomorrow, I am 99% sure we will be taking a cycle break.  As much as it sucks, and as much as I know I will go crazy during the time, I truly believe it to the best decision.

* It will allow me to address this stupid rash/allergy that I have and do not know what it causing it.  Who knows if this could be impacting my body's ability to get pregnant?  Hopefully the dermatologist appointment on Tuesday will start to shed some light and help me work on this.

* It will allow my DH to have an SA done to see what is going on there.  I was reading my clinic's pre-reqs to doing IVF and a SA with critical morphology needs to have been done in the past year and we have not had this done so if we do go the IVF route, this item could then be checked off our list.

* A sonohysterogram and HSG are required as well.  I have never had the SHG done so I will ask my RE tomorrow if I should.  At our appointment in November, he said I did not need to re-do an HSG because I had got pregnant earlier in the year so hopefully they will wave this requirement.  But if the SHG is needed, maybe I can get it done soon too.

* Maybe I can even lose a few pounds over the next 6-8 weeks (which is usually how long my cycle is with the help of provera.)  This is not an easy task with how little time I have to exercise.  But I can try!

And hopefully, last but not least, taking a break will allow me to emotionally recover from the last two failed cycles.  I need to get that feeling of hope back before moving forward.  That's the plan so far!!

Wish I had better news - BFN

* Edited *

AF arrived bright and early this morning.  Even though I knew she was coming, the finality of it all stings!! Ugh!  So, now the question is What next?  Do we do another IUI/Injectable cycle?  Do we take a break?  Do we puruse IVF?  Are my eggs too old for IVF to be successful?  Should we look at donor eggs or embryo adoption?  We really cant afford IVF, donor eggs or embryo adoption but I think we could find a way.  If we could only sell our house, then it would be easier! Praying our house sells soon!!

I have a STBU appointment with my RE on Monday afternoon.  I hope to go through all of our options.  My DH can not be there so I need to take good notes.  I have a list of questions to ask as well.  I am thinking the most logical (not necessarily the most preferred) plan for us is to take a cycle off, do another SA and hope that another SA will tell us if my DH's lower counts the last two cycles is the new norm or not.  If it is the new norm, then that might lead us to IVF, donor eggs or embryo adoption.  If it is not, then we might be able to do another IUI/injectables cycle.  I am thinking a break might also be best to give me a little time to address my eczema and allergy issues.  Maybe the eczema is telling me that my body just needs a break.  I have a dermatologist appointment on Tuesday to address this hopefully.  I just wish my body clock was not ticking so loudly!!  It is so hard knowing that time is not on my side.

I am feeling a little sad, a little confused and a little out of the norm with not having a plan.  I do so much better having a plan.  I am interested to hear what my RE has to say on Monday.  Part of me wonders if we should seek a 2nd opinion at the other RE office in town.  When I look at the SART detail, they have lower success rates -- but the other 4 women in my Resolve Group all go there.  Hmmmm!  Guess we will be making some decisions in the next few days!!

Could the 2ww go by any slower?

I am 7 1/2 dpiui and I feel like it has been a lot longer. This week has gone by so slow.  And I even had Monday off, a drs appt and got out of work early today due to the weather. I am just ready to know if this cycle has worked. It has taken all my power to not email the nurse at my clinic to start talking @ next steps.  I may lose my willpower this weekend if time continues to go so slow. I am trying to have hope, I really am. But I like having plans too.  Would I be crazy to email my clinic?

I did meet with a MFM and besides it taking forever (2 1/2 hours), I do have a plan when/if I do get pg.  I will start lovenox once/day upon a + pg test.  He was going to repeat all my tests but decided not to as he said with my history, lovenox just made sense.  I have a prescription just in case this cycle works.  The MFM also said I will be closely watched which made me feel good.  I need to get pregnant first though. And we know this may never happen. Or it may??? I wish I had a crystal ball.  Waiting in the waiting room was really hard. Seeing 2 pg women who both had children about my little guys age with them was difficult. And also during my appointment, I kept being reminded that I am AMA over the age of 40.  I kept my cool but I wanted to say I am not happy @ still TTC.  I did not choose to be here but I am. I know there is an increased risk with my age!  Is it crazy too that I can't wait to start lovenox as it means I will be pg?

My poor little guy is sick again! This is the third time in 2 months. He has been sick more since we moved than he has been in the prior year. The constant weather change doesn't help.  He has a fever, a bad cough and a very runny nose.  I always have a hard time knowing when to call the dr.  I hope he feels better this weekend.  I too am catching some of what he has. Just hope it doesn't get nearly as bad as what we had over Christmas.  Thinking healthy thoughts.

To top it all off, I have a terrible rash all over that I have no idea what is causing it.  I thought it may be allergies but allergy testing did not show anything new.  It could be work, it could be our new apartment. I was on prednisone for 5 days before my IUI & it cleared up right away but as soon as I came off, it has come back with a vengeance.  Only bad thing with the prednisone is after 2 days I had trouble sleeping.  I am debating @ whether to go back to the allergist or a dermatologist. I have allergy medicine that I am afraid to take. It says it is safe while pg as needed. My dr wants me take it once/day. My RE said it is safe too but I still get nervous.  Any experience with rashes or eczema?

Hopefully the next week will go by faster.  And hopefully AF will stay away. If not, she should greet me on Friday morning. 5 1/2 days & counting.

IUI Complete! 2WW Here we come!

My IUI was yesterday morning and all in all it went smooth.  My uterus is tilted backwards so they had to push down on my stomach really hard to get a good abdominal u/s view of it.  It was quite uncomfortable.  My old RE never used to do an u/s like this. It is really cool seeing the sperm enter the uterus. Unfortunately, the count this time was not very good at 1.6 million.  This was this first time the sample was collected at home & brought up as my DH had to work.  His work is in the opposite direction of the clinic.  I imagine this has an impact.  Last cycle was 4 million.  I looked at my records today and My DS1's cycle had 12 million and my angels cycle had 18 million.  I am not sure why the decrease from a year ago.  My new clinic usually looks for 3-6 million.  This does not give me the warm & fuzzies but I am still trying to be hopeful as I know it just takes one.  I too am afraid that maybe our IUI was a day late.  On Thursday morning, we did an OPK and we considered it negative.  It was very close but not quite there.  So we decided to trigger Thursday night and have the IUI on Sunday.  However, I had tons of action going on in my sides on Thursday before our trigger and Friday morning.  I am hoping & praying we did not miss the right timing.  I guess we will know in two weeks.  I am so proud to say that I do not have any HPTs in the house except a few cheapies, which have not worked well for in the past!  I am going to do my absolute best to keep it that way. I am going to do my absolute best not to test until Friday 2/1 as that will be 13dpiui and is when AF will show if this doesn't work.

My RE mentioned yesterday for the first time being on extra folic acid & baby aspirin. I have been taking the baby aspirin but it dawned on me after I left that I should have asked how much extra folic acid I should be taking. I will need to find out. I have an appointment with a MFM on Wednesday to see if we will need to add lovenox to the mix. I am praying no as lovenox is one of the most painful shots I have had to give. I find it worse than PIO. But if it means a successful pg, I will have to get over my fears.

I am also thinking about next steps already - what if this doesnt work? It is the planner in me. I think I may take a cycle off & then ask to do at least one more Iui with gonal f or follistim like at our old clinic.  No more femara or bravelle.  And if that doesn't work, look into ivf.  Ivf scares me in that it did not work for us before and is so costly.  If you did IVF, did you try IUIs beforehand? If yes, how many did you try? Our RE indicated that IUIs lose effectiveness the more you have -- but my little guy was from our 4th IUI so I really struggle with how many to do if this cycle doesnt work.  This will be our third since our loss -  we did one with my old clinic before we moved and this is our second with our new clinic.

Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst!! One day down and 12 more to go!

Cycle 3, CD11 Roller-coaster Ride Update

Today was a bit of a roller-coaster day. I should be used to this by now but it still is hard!  I went to my ultrasound bright and early at 730am this morning.  And there was no progress.  Follies were still small and had basically no growth since our last ultrasound on Tuesday. Ugh!  The nurse did not seem too optimistic about my cycle but reminded me that we needed to wait for the blood work to come back to see how my estrogen levels were doing!  So, on pins & needles worried about cancellation, she called late morning. And to my surprise, my e2 levels almost doubled from 48 to 90.  So, my RE suggested that we try 3 more days of increased meds (150iu to 225iu of Bravelle) and I will go back on Monday for another ultrasound.  After finding out my cycle was not cancelled, I was feeling that all hope was not lost yet.  I did look at my cycle last year that resulted in our BFP and my e2 level was already at 700 at this point (and our cycle with Aaron was also much higher at this point as well but I did not look at the exact numbers.)  My little bit of hope has dimmed but is not completely gone.  I will hope for the best but prepare for the worst!  That is how I can usually prevent myself from going crazy with this fertility stuff.  Unfortunately, I have to go in at 730am for labs and then go back at 1pm for an ultrasound as they are booked on Monday morning for scans.  It sounds like my RE will actually be doing the scan so that might be a good thing.  The nurse is awesome though.  She has done all my scans up to this point.  It was a strange thing for me to get used to as my old RE in Michigan used to do all scans & procedures.

Here's to a little bit of hope with a bunch of caution mixed in!! A friend of mine did remind me today about her IVF cycle with her little boy about how it started out really really slow and took off around day 11 of stims.  Last night was day 8 of stims for me.  I so appreciate stories of success - they give me a lot of hope. I would love to hear your stories and advice as well!! = )

BFN & New Cycle

My last cycle ended with a big BFN and AF showing up at 13dpiui.  I had been using progesterone suppositories for the first time and was worried about them not working with all the leakage (partly thanks to my horrible cough, cold & flu over Christmas time.)  But, AF showing up at 13dpiui is about the same as when I used the prometrium pills. I took this as a sign that the suppositories worked about the same as the pills. I had decided to test at 12dpiui and it was a stark white HPT so at least I was prepared for AF to show.  I was able to keep my anger in 2012 and start 2013 on a hopeful note!

I had debated about taking a break versus getting started again with a new cycle right away.  We decided to cycle again.  A break probably would have been a good idea but both times I have gotten pregnant it has been in Jan/Feb/Mar so being the superstitious person that I am sometimes, I did not want to give up the opportunity to try again at this time.  I do know that if we are not pregnant either this cycle or next, we will be taking a break -- and it may be a permanent break.  I am running out of steam with regards to TTC.  I so very much want to add to our family but emotionally & financially, I truly am not sure how much more of this we can handle.  My DH is willing to finance procedures but at this point, I am not there yet.  I do not want to go into incredible debt right now with everything else we have going on (ie moving, house not sold yet, etc etc.)  We shall see how I really feel in a few months if these cycles do not work.  I may change my mind but I am really trying to mentally prepare in my head for the what if we never get pregnant again question.  I do know for a fact that 2013 is our last year of TTC.   Just a matter of how long into 2013 we will continue.  Please pray it is a non-issue as we will be pregnant soon!!

Today is CD3 and I took my first injection of Bravelle.  My new RE decided to try this medication, which I have never taken before.  If this does not work well, I am going to be begging to go back to Follistim.  My u/s scan and labs is on Tuesday.  I pray this medication works its magic for me and we will be on our way to a successful cycle.  I hope that this year is a much better year than 2012!! Please, oh, please let it be!!!