Therapy

I took a big step this week and made an appointment with a therapist.  I have thought about it and considered it since our loss, but after breaking down in front of of both my OB & my RE, and with their encouragement, I decided I really should.  I realized I can not process all of these thoughts about our loss and the relationship struggles I am having with my parents.  My RE recommended one who specializes in pregnancy loss. I talked to her on the phone briefly and she sounds really nice. I do not meet with her until 8/23 though as scheduling is quite difficult for me with my DH out of town so much.  But, at least I made the step to schedule it!  My inlaws will be coming to visit on 8/23 for the weekend and will pick up my little guy from daycare so that I can go to the appt after work. The woman I am speaking with called me today to also recommend a support group closer to where I live.  She is over an hour from where I live (but 40 minutes from where I work.)  She runs a support group where she works but it is just too hard for me to make their meetings.  I was bummed as they had one this past Tuesday.  I would have loved to have gone but hopefully this one closer to my house will work out.  I have a friend who has offered to baby sit Aaron in the past so maybe I can ask her again if I need to.  


Just hope I can keep up my nerve to really go to it in 4 weeks.  I am really nervous!  I have never done this before and am not usually one that is comfortable talking about myself to a stranger.  There will be quite a bit of pre-appt anxiety I am sure.

If you have any pre-therapy advice or any therapy/counseling experiences, I would love to hear.  I know each therapist is probably different in the way they do things, but it is always nice to hear what others have experienced.  

I should be going to bed!  

~ Miss you, my sweet Ethan! Always thinking of you & love you with all my heart!  

~ Love you, my little guy!  Aaron - you are my sunshine!!!  I am so lucky to have you in my life.  Thank you for all that you have done for me!

We have a plan!

It is getting late so I am off to bed but wanted to write a short post on our plan.  I will write a longer post about the entire appointment later this week.  Overall, after waiting 45 minutes, it was a good visit.  It was emotionally draining due to my pre-appointment anxiety but I am happy we have a plan.  My RE and the nurses were fabulous, especially with the fact that the receptionist did not write down why I was there after I had told her when I called a few weeks ago to make the appointment.  So my RE did not know about our loss - I felt really bad.  He handled it really well (I will talk about this more on another post.)

OUR PLAN:  I will start provera tomorrow for 10 days and then again on 9/1 for 10 more days.  And if we are emotionally ready to start TTC again, we will go in for a baseline u/s around 9/14 (depending on the success of the provera.)   In the meantime, we will be working to schedule an appointment for my DH to provide his sample to be frozen for our IUIs and I will start taking prenatal vitamins & baby aspirin again.  We are planning on the same protocol that brought us Aaron & Ethan.  I have some follistim left but will be calling around to price out ordering the rest.  Although I said I would not use Walgreens Specialty again, I am thinking I may not have a choice as they may be the most cost effective.  I am hoping otherwise though.  


Hard to believe that if we are emotionally ready, we will be starting up again in ~ 2 months.  I am happy to have a plan but the thought of trying again is scary for so many reasons.  But, I am willing to work through my fears as it will be so worth it in the end if we are able to add to our family.  Hopefully y'all can bear with me through my constant worries of what if it does not work, what if we never get pg again and what if we do get pg again -- how will I live through the fear of loss again.

Hoping & praying that we WILL get pg again and we WILL take home a baby to grow up & play with Aaron and to remember our sweet angel, Ethan, with!!

Off to bed I go!  Sweet dreams, my friends!!  Thank you for all of your wonderful support & friendship!!

RE Consultation Tomorrow!

It is hard to believe that our first RE consultation (with my local RE) is tomorrow.  I made the appointment a couple weeks ago and it seemed so far away.  I am excited to talk about a plan but very nervous at the same time.  My DH asked me today if I was ready and I told him I am torn.  Part of me thinks it might be too early.  Part of me feels guilty for wanting to move forward with trying again so soon.  But Part of me knows that 40 is less than 2 months away and I do not have all the time in the world.  My OB even gently reminded us not to wait too long if this is what we want - and I know deep down that I want to add to our family.  And I do believe that this is what Ethan wants too.  And I do remind myself as well that this appointment is just to talk about options & a plan and does not mean that we will be getting started tomorrow again.  


It will be hard walking in the door, remembering the last time I was there we were graduating to our OB.  And although I told the receptionist about our loss, I am wondering if she told my RE.  I am afraid that my RE will be surprised and ask what I am doing there?  And how I will respond if he does ask that question.  I am trying to be prepared for him to ask with his not so great bedside manner without completing breaking down.  I am trying to prepare myself better than I did for my follow OB appt two weeks ago where I broke down just having my blood pressure taken!  Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight & not stress about it too much.

It has been 5 weeks and 2 days since Ethan was born sleeping.  I miss you and love you so so so much!!  I know you are here with us at all times.  Even though I am still so sad much of the time, I am thankful for the time I was able to spend with you and for what you have taught me.  I have learned so much from you, my sweet angel! 

Horrible Weekend & A question of How?

I am trying to figure out how to move past this weekend -- a weekend that was horrible.  My parents were here and it was so uncomfortable the entire weekend.  The reasons:

* Not once throughout the entire weekend did my parents acknowledge Ethan - my dad did ask about the tree we planted but called it the Lilac Tree and not Ethan's tree.  He did show us the tree they planted at their house (which I was surprised to find out they actually planted.  I know I vented about this a little while ago and after I vented, I found out they did plant one for us. My mom's comment though after telling me about it "well, at least we got that taken care of now.")  But again, he referred to it as a tree and never associated it with Ethan.  
* They have not said Ethan's name to us once since he was born.  
* They did not remember that Sunday was one month since our baby boy was born sleeping.  They were here in person and did not say a word. Not one word!!
* They did not ask once how I was doing.  
* They are the only family members that have never sent us an email or card to express anything to us. 
* My mom always complains about how expensive it is to come visit us - yet I find out that she bought an Ipad that she did not need & has no clue how to use (she already has a kindle, an android phone & a laptop.  The only one she really knows how to use is the Kindle.  My dad also has a kindle fire and a laptop.)  My mom deserves to have things but please do not complain how expensive it is to visit your daugher, SIL and grandson if you are going to splurge on these things that you do need and have no idea how to use.  


It was awful.  I honestly believe that they do not think we lost a real baby & that they did not lose a grandson.  It pierces me in the stomach every time I think about this! 


Thankfully my DH came home for the weekend to be there with me - he was originally not supposed to be home this weekend due to work but I asked him to come home to help me.  He helped me a lot by paying a lot of attention to my parents as I could not.  I found out that my parents talked to my DH about me and said they do not know how to approach me on the subject.  Well, they must have found a way to talk to me as my dad, after my DH left on Sunday (he is traveling again), sat me down at the table and started to lecture me on how he does not know why I have treated them the way I have this weekend and that he has regretted things he said/did to his parents (basically telling me that I am going to regret the way I treated them this weekend.)  I really could not believe what my dad was saying to me so I got up from the table, told him that he really did not know what I had to say and that I am angry!  He said we are adults and I told him I am being an adult by not speaking in anger.  I locked myself up in my room all night.  I will add that while all this was going on, my mom was reading her kindle in the upstairs guest room.  I saw my dad for a moment before bed time and he did tell me that he loves me no matter what!  I truly believe they think I am the bad guy here.  I am sorry I am not!  They have hurt me beyond words.  I tried to talk to my DH about it and he told me I should just tell them how I feel.  I could not do it.  Explaining my viewpoint or feelings in the past has never worked - my parents always believe what they want to believe no matter what I have expressed.  Why would it work now? 


The next morning, my mom "tried" to apologize to me.  She came down about 5 minutes before we were leaving for work/daycare to say goodbye.  And she said "I am sorry for whatever I have done to make you hate me."  OMG!! Are you kidding me?  I told her it was not the time to discuss (as Aaron was right there) and that I did not hate her.  We left a few minutes later.  I am trying to believe it was my mom's attempt at apologizing but am having a hard time getting over her inward view of things.  Why couldn't she say "I am sorry for whatever I have done to hurt you or make you angry.  I am not really sure what I did but would like you to help me understand."  Or something to that effect.  It still would not have been the right time with Aaron being there but it would have made me feel a lot better about calling her to explain.  Now I have no desire to call my parents.


However, I know that my parents are not going to ever understand why I feel so angry and are going to think I am the one that treated them so poorly. At some point I am going to a) have to get over my anger and call them to "make up" or b) cut the ties and not have them be a part of our's or Aaron's life.   Option B is not really an option. And As much as I think my mom is a horrible grandmother & has no clue & only thinks about herself, I still want Aaron to know his grandparents.  So that brings me to my question:  is how do I move on from this stress & anger with my parents?  


I know it is going to take some time to answer this question but I would open to any advice you may have.  I do love my parents but I have lost a lot of respect for them.  And it is going to be an upward battle letting go of my anger and gaining that respect back.  Hopefully for Aaron I can figure out a way to do this.

One month ago today....

One month ago and 4 weeks ago respectively from today were the worst days of my life. I miss my little boy so much. So very sad = (

My mind is all over the place these days!

I have had so many blog thoughts in my head but can not get any down on "paper."  My mind is all over the place these days. I thought I would just doing a rambling post with bullet points.

* Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since we found out our baby boy passed away.  I am still having a tough time with everything.  Some days I still feel numb & am in denial to it all, some days I am sad and the tears flow like a river and some days I just want to scream at the unfairness of this all.  It is just so unfair.  I am finding it really hard to express all my feelings as most of the time I am sad.  Very sad!!  And I know the rest of this week will bring a ton of emotions.  I am doing my very best to hang in there and to try to stay strong for Aaron.  Keeping busy is key for me.  There is so much more I want to write about this but I just can not.... I imagined myself blogging a lot more but have not been able to.

* I am so thankful for all the support & love that has been given to us!  So amazing!  I do not have enough words to express how thankful I am & how helpful it has been.

* Yesterday was an an especially tough day.  Started out with seeing a beautiful 5 week old little girl named Violet (what a beautiful name!) at my son's daycare and tears just started rolling down my eyes as I thought of my Ethan & how I would not get to see him grow.  I am starting to cry now as I think about it again.  I can not stop thinking about how I will not get to hold & kiss & snuggle with my Ethan!  I miss him so much!  I miss him more than words can say.  And I cried at work.... And then I had a follow up appt at my OBs office.  I did not anticipate how hard it would be to go there again.  Thankfully they got me out of the waiting room & into a patient room relatively fast.  What I did not expect was breaking down into tears when the nurse was taking my blood pressure and talking to me.  All the memories of not hearing the heartbeat & then having the ultrasound came flowing back. The nurse tried to comfort me and gave me a big hug.  I am very lucky that my OB is fantastic.  There are 3 in the office & they all are wonderful.  She talked to me for a while to see how I was physically & emotionally.  We talked in length about seeing a therapist and she highly encourages me to consider it.  I started to look at therapists who take my insurance but did not have enough time to look at their specialties.  I am definitely going to consider it. Not sure if I will actually go through with it but I will be thinking about it again.  At the end, my OB gave me a big hug as well.  

* I have made a consultation appointment with my RE two weeks from yesterday on 7/23.  I did not expect to get in so quickly when I called.  I am a planner & knowing the options & thinking about a plan will be very therapeutic for me.  I know I want to try again so hopefully I will have a positive meeting with my RE.  His bedside manner is not the best at times (although I really like him) so I am a bit nervous.  I am nervous to walk into the office as the last time I was there I was 9w1d pregnant.  I am curious if the receptionist told him about our loss or if it will be a surprise to him to see us back.  I often wonder how much they talk about appointments & stuff.  The first time I stepped into his office was 3 1/2 years ago.  Crazy!  And that was after 2 years of TTC already.

* I also made a consultation appointment with a new RE for August 10th to get another opinion on options.  I really really like my RE and am so thankful as he gave us our Aaron & Ethan.  However, he is very old fashioned so I am curious to see what another RE (who seems to be more up to date with technology & stuff) will say.  I would like to stay with my current RE but in my search to cling to hope & understand more, I just wanted to hear another opinion as well.  Sometimes I want to know more but at the same time, I wish I could be naive in this whole process.  I know that is not possible anymore though.  Not with IF & Not after a pregnancy loss.

* I have realized the past couple of days that things may never get easier.  I have been told by several people that it does get easier with time but I am not sure I can see that just yet.  I just keep praying that even if it does not get easier, that I can honor my baby boy in every way possible.  I want him to know how special he is to me and I want him to be proud of his mommy!

* As difficult as the past 4 weeks have been, I have sunshine in my life at all times -- Aaron! He knows how to make mommy smile with his smile, his laugh or his words!  He is talking up a storm -- I call him my little parrot! It is amazing.  He can repeat so many things that I say.  His newest phrases are "Hit the ball", "Run the bases", "Homerun", "Go Tigers" (my DH is a huge Detroit Tigers fan.)  He also started saying "Rock a bye baby" when he was sitting in our rocking chair.  He is growing up so fast!! It is amazing!

I am sorry for the rambly-ness of my post!  I will sign off with how we say good night at home when it is night-night time -- "Mommy LOVES Aaron!"  And I will add "Mommy LOVES Ethan & my DH & my dog Elliss."  I love my family more than anything!!

My In-laws are Amazing

After writing a post about my parents, I wanted to write a post to say how amazing my in-laws have been to us.  I can not imagine what we would have done without them throughout the past few weeks.  My in-laws and my DH's siblings have done so much and supported us more than we ever could have asked for.  We are very lucky.  When I first married my DH, my MIL and I did not really talk much as we do not have very much in common.  Ever since we had Aaron, I have seen a different side of my MIL and she has impressed me so much.  She worries too much but I completely understand why.  It drives my DH a little crazy but I can definitely relate more and more!  We would like to do something special for my in-laws for all of their help but are not sure what to do?  If you have any suggestions, I am all ears!

My inlaws sent us a card today!  It was definitely perfect timing after all my other emotions yesterday.  I have cried every time I have read the card but I wanted to share the front cover (the note inside was very special but I will keep that private.) Just the cover shows how much they care and how much our little boy means to them!

I want to say thank you as well for all of your comments on my last post!  I know that everyone shows their emotions is very different ways!  And as much as I am angry & disappointed with my parents, I truly do hope that I we can mend our relationship. Not sure how yet but in time we will figure it out.   The more I think about things, I am sure that they are not aware of how I feel and they think they are supporting me as best as possible from a distance.  I just needed to get out how I feel and thank you to everyone, it helped so much!!  

Disappointed & Angry at my parents

I am very disappointed with my parents!  As I have written about recently, I have had some relationship issues with my mom recently and actually blame myself in that all the stress from this caused our loss.  I need to learn to control my stress better when it comes to my parents.  However, recently, I have found myself not upset/stressed but disappointed.  In the last three weeks since our loss, we have not received a card or a note from my parents.  I am not asking for much - except an acknowledgement that we lost a baby and that they lost a grandson.  They have called to see how we are doing, but every time "oh, you sound better today" or "your voice sounds better."  I know they want me to be better but it is like they are pushing it.  Just because my voice sounds better does not mean I am better.  They have never once said Ethan's name in a conversation and I honestly feel like they do not think we lost a real baby. That they are trying to forget it happened and go on with their lives. I certainly can not do that and just do not understand how they can not be impacted by this.  My parents are not emotional people so it does not surprise me that they are like this but at the same time, it truly disappoints both my DH & I.

I have also found myself angry with my parents.  Two weeks ago I asked my mom if she & my dad would pick out a plant or tree to put in their yard in honor of Ethan.  I could tell right away she was not keen on the idea -- she even pushed back and said, well you can pick it out the next time you are visiting.  I have no idea the next time we will be visiting and I told her that I wanted the plant/tree to be their choice, as they lost a grandson too.  Well, in the last two weeks since I asked, my parents have not mentioned it once!  We asked my inlaws the same and my MIL took a day to email us back her thoughts.  My MIL was so honored.  My mom acted like it was so much work to do this, which hurts more than words can express.

My mom called on Thursday night before we went away for the weekend and I ignored her call.   My dad called tonight and I only answered his questions with one word answers especially after I heard "your voice sounds better."  I quickly got off the phone as I have alot of things to finish up tonight before going to bed (one being to write how angry I am.)   It took all my strength not to blow up and tell them how I really feel but I am better than that!

Also, my parents ended up canceling their trip to visit where my DH is this weekend.  My DH & I were kind of upset that they did this.  I ended up canceling my trip down to visit but my parents should have still gone & visited my DH to support him & take him out for his birthday (which is in a week.)  They could have still gone without their friends.  We just do not get how they think and we never will.

They are visiting in less than two weeks and I am less than thrilled about this.  I really wanted to tell them they were not welcome in our house but I could not do that.  They are still my parents and despite my anger/disappointment, I do love them.  And as much as I complain how they are terrible grandparents, I still want them to know Aaron a little bit.  I did not know 3 of my 4 grandparents and I will not do the same to Aaron.  If he wants to have a relationship with them as he grows older, I want that for him.

Thankfully my DH knows how to calm me when I am around my parents.  I am very lucky for that so hopefully this weekend will go better since my DH will be here to help me.

Ok, enough of my babble about my parents! I do truly hope I can work through this anger/disappointment.  It is too much to be feeling along with the loss of my baby boy!  I just could not keep this inside any longer.  Thank you for listening.  In the end, grieving & remembering my baby boy is more important to me!  I do feel  better getting this out!

I wanted to end by saying:

- Ethan, we love you & we miss you!  You are so special to us and we know that you are watching over us!! You mean so much to us!  Hugs & Kisses to you!! 
- Aaron, our sweet and devlish toddler. You are amazing and we love you with all of our hearts! We hope one day you will know your brother through our memories.  We are so lucky to have you in our lives! Thank you for all that you do!!