I have had so many blog thoughts in my head but can not get any down on "paper." My mind is all over the place these days. I thought I would just doing a rambling post with bullet points.
* Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since we found out our baby boy passed away. I am still having a tough time with everything. Some days I still feel numb & am in denial to it all, some days I am sad and the tears flow like a river and some days I just want to scream at the unfairness of this all. It is just so unfair. I am finding it really hard to express all my feelings as most of the time I am sad. Very sad!! And I know the rest of this week will bring a ton of emotions. I am doing my very best to hang in there and to try to stay strong for Aaron. Keeping busy is key for me. There is so much more I want to write about this but I just can not.... I imagined myself blogging a lot more but have not been able to.
* I am so thankful for all the support & love that has been given to us! So amazing! I do not have enough words to express how thankful I am & how helpful it has been.
* Yesterday was an an especially tough day. Started out with seeing a beautiful 5 week old little girl named Violet (what a beautiful name!) at my son's daycare and tears just started rolling down my eyes as I thought of my Ethan & how I would not get to see him grow. I am starting to cry now as I think about it again. I can not stop thinking about how I will not get to hold & kiss & snuggle with my Ethan! I miss him so much! I miss him more than words can say. And I cried at work.... And then I had a follow up appt at my OBs office. I did not anticipate how hard it would be to go there again. Thankfully they got me out of the waiting room & into a patient room relatively fast. What I did not expect was breaking down into tears when the nurse was taking my blood pressure and talking to me. All the memories of not hearing the heartbeat & then having the ultrasound came flowing back. The nurse tried to comfort me and gave me a big hug. I am very lucky that my OB is fantastic. There are 3 in the office & they all are wonderful. She talked to me for a while to see how I was physically & emotionally. We talked in length about seeing a therapist and she highly encourages me to consider it. I started to look at therapists who take my insurance but did not have enough time to look at their specialties. I am definitely going to consider it. Not sure if I will actually go through with it but I will be thinking about it again. At the end, my OB gave me a big hug as well.
* I have made a consultation appointment with my RE two weeks from yesterday on 7/23. I did not expect to get in so quickly when I called. I am a planner & knowing the options & thinking about a plan will be very therapeutic for me. I know I want to try again so hopefully I will have a positive meeting with my RE. His bedside manner is not the best at times (although I really like him) so I am a bit nervous. I am nervous to walk into the office as the last time I was there I was 9w1d pregnant. I am curious if the receptionist told him about our loss or if it will be a surprise to him to see us back. I often wonder how much they talk about appointments & stuff. The first time I stepped into his office was 3 1/2 years ago. Crazy! And that was after 2 years of TTC already.
* I also made a consultation appointment with a new RE for August 10th to get another opinion on options. I really really like my RE and am so thankful as he gave us our Aaron & Ethan. However, he is very old fashioned so I am curious to see what another RE (who seems to be more up to date with technology & stuff) will say. I would like to stay with my current RE but in my search to cling to hope & understand more, I just wanted to hear another opinion as well. Sometimes I want to know more but at the same time, I wish I could be naive in this whole process. I know that is not possible anymore though. Not with IF & Not after a pregnancy loss.
* I have realized the past couple of days that things may never get easier. I have been told by several people that it does get easier with time but I am not sure I can see that just yet. I just keep praying that even if it does not get easier, that I can honor my baby boy in every way possible. I want him to know how special he is to me and I want him to be proud of his mommy!
* As difficult as the past 4 weeks have been, I have sunshine in my life at all times -- Aaron! He knows how to make mommy smile with his smile, his laugh or his words! He is talking up a storm -- I call him my little parrot! It is amazing. He can repeat so many things that I say. His newest phrases are "Hit the ball", "Run the bases", "Homerun", "Go Tigers" (my DH is a huge Detroit Tigers fan.) He also started saying "Rock a bye baby" when he was sitting in our rocking chair. He is growing up so fast!! It is amazing!
I am sorry for the rambly-ness of my post! I will sign off with how we say good night at home when it is night-night time -- "Mommy LOVES Aaron!" And I will add "Mommy LOVES Ethan & my DH & my dog Elliss." I love my family more than anything!!
Good for you for getting a second opinion, it doesn't hurt and then you can be sure what option you want to take!
ReplyDeleteI am new to your blog, I'm so sorry you have to go back to an RE. Like K said good for you for getting a second opinion, you never know what he/she may bring to the table. I don't know where you are located but have you looked into Sher Institute. They are great Dr's and have locations all over the country. Thanks to their St. Louis office I have my beautiful little girl, we suffered thru secondary infertility for 3 years before I found them. You mentioned that the new place you found is more up to date, so is SIRM. Wherever you end up it's always good to know all your options.
ReplyDeleteSecond opinions are a good tool to have. Good luck and many prayers as you begin your journey of trying again.
ReplyDeleteI can't say it gets easier, what does happen though is your body, heart, and soul gets used to the pain. The tears come less often, but that feeling that someone is missing will always be there. One day at a time is all you can do. Ethan will always be proud of you. You are his Mommy. You have courage and strength and you love him with every fiber of your being. He is very luck to have you as a Mommy! My thoughts are with you.
All of your emotions are normal and it's so good that you're letting yourself feel them. It really is the only way to begin the healing {{{HUGS}}} I hope you do consider talking to someone, whether it's once or 100 times it might help you get your emotions out. You're right, you will never be "better" completely, this will always be a very sad part of your life. But at some point you will move forward and enjoy things again. Happy to hear you have appointments with two RE's, you might as well get all the information you can =)
ReplyDeleteHuge (((hugs))) to you Leslie. I also looked into talk to a therapist and just booked my first appointment. I am hopeful that I'll gain some coping strategies.
ReplyDeleteIt's always hard to go back to those places in which we were once deliriously happy: OB, RE, etc... I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh, I am thinking about you, friend. I am so sorry for everything you are going through - it just plain sucks. Ethan knows how great of a mommy you are -- he's watching you with Aaron every day!
ReplyDeleteHugs :)
My heart goes out to you... I still find those places so hard to visit :( I'm also a planner and want to know what's ahead of me... it somehow helps even out the bumps. Be gentle on yourself... this road is so hard and your doing a wonderful job. Love to you and your gorgeous little ones xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're going to get a second opinion. Sometimes it just helps to have a new perspective from someone who hasn't "been in the trenches" with you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that the OB appointment was so hard and know the RE appointment will be tough, too. I'm glad you are putting a plan into place, though, because I know it always helps me to have steps ready to take.
Much love your way.
Oh Leslie, I can remember so clearly how you are feeling. I still feel that way sometime. It does get easier, I promise. Maybe we just learn how to live with it differently, but it does get better. Good luck with your RE appointment this week. I really don't want to go back to the RE(even though ours is wonderful) but am sure we will have to. Praying for you.
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