Starting the New Year with Provera....

Well, I had my progesterone check today at CD24 and it was only 1.7 so I get to start provera on the 1st. What a way to start the New Year! And my baseline u/s is tentatively scheduled for Jan 15th. At least it all means that things are moving forward! = ) Since there is no hope for this cycle, I can not wait to get the FSH/IUI party started again!

2010 is Almost Here!

Can you believe it? In just a few days, it will be 2010. And the question right before the New Year -- Have I ovulated on my own? I will find out on Wednesday. I still have not gotten the smiley face on the digital OPK yet so I am not hopeful that my body has cooperated. We shall see though. Good news if I have not is that I will start provera or prometrium SOON. I am so tired of waiting - waiting STINKS big time!

I am so hoping 2010 will be a better year and a few things to already look forward to during January in my pathetic and boring life:

* Jan 4th - the Bachelor Starts!
* ~ Jan 15th - estimated start to IUI Cycle #4 (I CAN NOT WAIT!)
* Jan 17th - 24 starts (WOO HOO - my fav TV show!!!)
* Jan 19th / 26th - Dinners at local restaurants to support Humane Society
* Jan 23rd - Chili Cook Off at local Winery
* Jan 30th - Dreamgirls Show

Will have to keep my eyes open for things to do in February..... otherwise my boring life will just get more boring.

Happy New Year!!

Feeling Blue.....

I can not help but feel blue these days! I should be happy as it is Christmas time and despite the way the year went, I do have a lot to be thankful for. However, I keep thinking about how much 2009 was for the most part a stinky year! I feel terrible for dwelling on the negative when I except for dealing with IF have a very fortunate life (even though I hate my job). In summary - 1 failed IVF, 2 chem pg (FET & 1st IUI) and 2 BFN IUI cycles and my job was eliminated. I still have a job and am thankful for the income but the job change pushed my career back many, many years! WHY DID I WORK SO HARD FOR 8 FRIGGEN YEARS? It makes me so mad to think about all the time I had put in and how much I had given up over the years! The only positive besides my husband finding a great job is that with still having a job I can afford IF treatments. I guess I should realize during this forced break what it would be like if I was not able to afford IF treatments. It would be very difficult. I am begging for the next few weeks to go by FAST!!! I want to feel hopeful again. I truly hope 2010 will be a better, happier year!!

Still Cant Stop Thinking about TTC....

Currently CD10 and ~ 30 days until we can start IUI #4. I can not stop thinking about TTC! I wish I could for just a few moment! I thought I was going to feel better being on a break than I really do. I thought I was going to be able to enjoy things that I normally can not enjoy but it is easier said than done! I can not stop thinking that I am 37 and the feelings of what if this never happens for me keep crawling into my brain. I know I still have time but when I tell myself that, I think how much longer can I really do this, what if we can not afford treatments anymore, etc etc. I think without the feeling of hope I am just feeling down and feeling sorry for myself!

I hate infertility and what it has done to me!

WHY?

Why can't I stop thinking about TTC? Why does everything remind me of TTC? It stinks! Why does time seem to move so slow while on a break? I found out I was on a forced break on Monday and the last 4 days have gone by so slowwwwwwwwww!!! I hope the next several weeks do not drag on like this! I am trying to enjoy this break as much as possible but wish that it would go by faster! I did ask my husband to go out for sushi this weekend and he said he would LOVE to! I am so excited as it has been quite a while since we had sushi. YUMMY! We are going to go Christmas shopping this weekend too and then next weekend, DH is going to a wedding and if I am able to get out of work at a reasonable hour & the roads are not bad, I will try to attend the reception too. And then Christmas is 2 weeks away! Unfortunately, I only have 2 days of vacation left so I will be taking the 2 days before Christmas off to visit the in-laws. I am not really excited for this as I do not have very much in common with them and on top of it, my SIL who is 20 weeks prego with #2 will be there. Ugh! Another reminder that I am not pg. She got pg just a little bit before I had my chem pg in Aug = ( We do not have any plans for New Years as we are home-bodies! We will probably rent movies and try our best to stay up to watch the ball drop in Time Square. I just pray that the next few weeks go by fast! Hopefully it will be January soon and I will be thinking where did the time go?!?!?!?

Bummed Out!!!

Well, Actually Bummed out and Happy at the same time! I am on a forced break with the holidays and my drs schedule. At first I was really bummed as it would be nice to still have the possibility of a holiday miracle. Now, I am trying to look at it that I will not have TTC stress over the holidays, I can start working out more frequently again, I can have some sushi this month and perhaps some sparkling wine over the holidays.

I will go for a progesterone test on the 30th to see if I ovulated on my own. If not, I will take prometrium to jump start my cycle. And if I did, I will jump for joy and then wait for either a natural miracle or my cycle to start on my own. I would much prefer a natural miracle of course but if not, hopefully either way I will have my baseline u/s in the middle of January.

5 weeks and counting!

Things to be Thankful For!

With AF making her appearance, I am trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself and to think about all the things I am thankful for instead: my wonderful DH, my dog Elliss (sleeping in the attached picture), my parents, my health, my home, my crappy job (thankful I have a job), my friends etc etc. I am off to relax a little with the movie Four Christmases. Figured a good romantic comedy might be just what the dr ordered!!

11, Almost 12DPIUI = (

Well, it is likely that there will be no Christmas miracle for me = ( Slight spotting and BFN for me tonight. Along with AF cramps!! I have had a few IPS during the 2WW so far but nothing like the ones I felt in August so I knew in the back of my mind this was not going to be a success. It unfortunately does not make it any easier. It is hard to believe that my 1st IUI cycle almost worked with one eggie and this cycle did not work with six or so eggies. Unbelievable!!

Now comes decision making time -- another IUI or back to IVF? I am thinking IVF after 3 IUI cycles that have not worked. I will be calling on Monday to set up a STBY appt to discuss options.

2ww is TORTURE!!!

Why does the 2WW have to be torture? I am 10DPIUI and am not sure how I am going to be make it through the next few days. Luckily work has been crazy busy so that has helped. I hope it is busy again tomorrow. However, when I get home from work, I can not stop thinking -- maybe this worked? what if it does not work? what is next? I am afraid to hope but afraid that feeling all negative will make it not work. I am trying with all my might to resist any temptation to POAS as that has only caused me stress in the past. I am not sure I can do it though -- I may just have to pick up some FRERs tomorrow on my way home from work (assuming the weather is OK.)

On another note, it started to snow today for the 1st time this season. I am thankful we held off snow until now but this means winter is really here. I was happily in denial until now. I wished I lived in a warm climate. Maybe someday!!

Back to TTC, please let me be strong. please let me not go crazy this weekend especially if I am confined to being home all weekend with the weather.

Off to watch the Mentalist (otherwise known as the Mental Dude by my DH.)

6DPIUI And Starting to Go Crazy (Already!)

I am 6DPIUI and now that I am home from vacation, I am starting to go crazy! I just want to know!!!! Why does this time have to be so hard? I hate the 2WW! Wish I could be oblivious to it all. At least my week of vacation helped the first part of it to go by. Being away was FABULOUS - I did not want to come back! I have been bad today too -- although I worked out (yeah!), I was still a couch potato much of the day watching Season 11 of America's Top Model. It is one of my guilty pleasures when they play the whole season in one day. I was determined to enjoy my last day of vacation before going back to my crappy job tomorrow! And this week I have to get going on improving my resume, finishing our will, getting ready for Christmas and joining reality again. Fun, Fun!

IUI on Monday = )

It is official - my IUI is scheduled for Monday!! I took my last follistim shot last night and added in ganiralex for the first time too. And then I get to trigger this evening! I am excited that I am not facing another cancellation = ) I am a little nervous the timing might be off a little but am going to try to remain hopeful. The 2WW is the worst part for me but at least a week of it will be part of my vacation. I had yesterday off too and it was awesome! I told my husband that I could get used to not working... too bad that is not a possibility with all the IF treatments! I can not believe after getting my MBA and working so hard for 10 years, that I would rather not work! I feel so lazy when I say that but I think Corporate America has drained all of my career energy out of me with the horrible experiences of the last 6 months!

I am off to clean my house! Fun, Fun!

IUI/Injectable Cycle #3

It has been a little bit since I have posted last! I started injections last night for IUI Cycle #3 (technically #2 since last cycle was cancelled, but I am not really counting. = ) Injections have been easy so far --- hopefully the rest are too! I go for my first follie check on Saturday. I hope to see some progress! My hubby will be joining me since my appt falls on the weekend. We will go out for breakfast afterwards -- it is fun having a little date after my appt when we can = ) For some reason, I am much more hopeful this cycle. I am not sure why, but I am! I am at the sametime trying to remain realistic as I know the chances of working are low.

On another + note, we made reservations to visit my parents for Thanksgiving! I am very very excited! I have not seen them since June so it will be fun! And we were able to make it work while being able to go forward with the IUI cycle too! Hopefully it will help take my mind off the 2WW. On our way back, we will also have a night in downtown Chicago too! I did not think we would be able to have a vacation this year so this will be our mini-vacation! I look forward to Christmas shopping in Chicago!

Work still stinks, but I am trying to remember every time that I am down about it all that I am lucky to be have a job and that I am lucky as a result of my job to be able to afford IF treatments. Without my job, we would not be able to afford them! I just need to keep remembering this!! I still have dreams of finding a new job where I can be happy!!! Someday!!!!!

Happy Roses!

Flowers! I love flowers! I had an absolutely miserable morning but my husband made my day by sending me a dozen roses for our anniversary (officially on Monday.) I apologize that the picture is fuzzy (took it with my phone!) I am a very lucky person!!

Very First Post

OK, Where to start? What to write? How to write? I am very nervous --- I have never "blogged" before but thought it might be therapeutic to start. (Note: I first tried to start this on 8/23 but it is now 10/30 when I am finally posting.)

Not sure where to begin but here I go with my very first post. Here goes! I am not in a good spot right now in my life. I have not been this unhappy in a long time. I try to hide it, I try to ignore it but I can not help but realize that I am unhappy. I have a job that stinks, a manager that is as awful as they come and I have not been successful yet in over 2 1/2 of TTC #1. I want a new job but there are none where I live. I want to move but I can't because my husband just started a new job that he really likes a few months ago. I want to have my happy ending but I cant because my body will not work right. I am determined however to continue to meddle my way through this cruel journey of work despair and IF. I WILL find a new job eventually (hopefully before I go crazy) and I WILL continue IF treatments and I WILL have hope that my happy ending will be here!!! I am thankful that my parents instilled determination in my brain -- determination and hope are what get me through each day!!

Infertility is cruel. It is as simple as that. It is not fair. I know life is not fair but when will the cruelty stop? That is the question I have in my head right now and it is haunting me more than I ever imagined.

I just want to add amidst all this unhappiness, I do have a wonderful and supportive husband and we will be celebrating our 7th anniversary this weekend. = )