Better news!

I wanted to share that although we are still not out of the woods, we received better news today. The growth over the last week was good, our bean had a heart rate of 138 and the yoke sac stayed the same size (which our dr said is positive.). My DH asked the dr if he was still worried and he said he always worries, but he is not as worried as last week. There is still a long way to go. And I am paranoid about having more bleeding but I am going to try to be cautiously happy for the moment. Next u/s is 4/11 but my RE said to make an appointment with my OB as well. Fingers crossed for continued good news. Hope everyone has a nice weekend!

T minus 14 hours

I am so excited to be at home relaxing!  I was so happy when 5 came around and I could leave work.  It was such a boring day today (as the last week has been) so time was creeping by at a turtle's pace!  Ugh!  So, hopefully tomorrow I will have more clarity on what is going on.  I have done my best to mentally prepare for whatever comes my way.  I realize I do not have one ounce of control over what happens.  Thankfully my DH is going with me.  So, we shall see!  Fingers crossed!

Short update...

Yesterday was a good day. I actually found myself a little hopeful again. But those hopes were crushed again this morning with some bright & dark red bleeding. This time was worse than other times. And I am still spotting, but mostly light brown now. I have very little hope left. I am afraid to get my spirits up again even a little. Thankfully I have some distractions to help me make it until Friday. And I just asked for Friday off too. I was going to try to work as it is month-end but then I thought it best not to have to worry about working. I am trying to keep it general with my manager but it is hard. Thankfully as many issues as I have with him, he is very flexible & understanding. Two more sleeps! And less than 48 hours to go.

More bleeding this morning.....

I experienced more bleeding this morning = (. I called my RE and he wants me to still wait until Friday for my next u/s. I am trying to remain hopeful but since I do not know why this is happening, it is very hard. And it is something I can not control. I am having a lot of trouble with that.... My DH is much more calm and I wish I could be like that. Four days to go! Thankfully we had a fun weekend. That really helped. And my little boy just keeps amazing us. We are so lucky. I am feeling like a horrible mom lately as I having trouble focusing so it takes away from our time together. Thankfully he is in a huge daddy phase so that helps a little but I feel really guilty my mind half the time is in another world. Hopefully I can get out of this funk soon! And hopefully it is with some good news on Friday. I am realistic though. Even if it is not good news, we can at least move on with a new plan! It is very hard not being able to plan. I apologize for my babbling. Hope everyone enjoyed their weekends! Wishing you a great week too!

Things are not looking good....

Thank you so much for all of our comments, support and warmth!  It means so much to me - it is hard to express in words!!  I wish I had better news to share -- things do not look very good right now.  U/S showed 2 sacs - one empty & one with a hb but a larger yoke sac than there should be.  My dr is worried and said this often means something is not right genetically.  Usually, there is not a good outcome.   He also could not find any source of the bleeding this morning but it looks like that has stopped.  I am still having some cramps on and off too.  They are doing a culture for a UTI but I have not heard anything yet so I am thinking that is not the cause.  We go back for another u/s next Friday the 30th so in the meantime, I will be hoping & praying for the best but mentally preparing for the worst.  I hope I can make it through the next week in one piece.  

We are going over to our friends house tonight for dinner and we are going to visit family this weekend to celebrate my nephews birthday.  At least I will have a few distractions to keep me busy!  

Thank you again!  

Bleeding this morning....

Red bleeding this morning!  Not looking good.  My appointment is at 11am but I am not hopeful at all.  Now I am very scared that I am going alone.   I will update after my appointment but I am anticipating it will be sad news that I will be sharing.  I did not have any bleeding with pregnancy with my little guy.  

Changed my u/s date again.....Ball of nerves!

I was a ball of nerves today and literally so anxious at work I could not focus on anything all day.  I felt horrible so I talked to my DH and decided to change my u/s date to Friday.  The bad part is that he can not be there with me, but he told me I should change it if it would help me to have it before the weekend.  So I changed it as I am just ready to know.  And of course now I am feeling guilty & a little scared too that he will not be there.  I am now wondering if I should change it back.  If I call one more time, the drs office will scream at me for changing it again.  I think I am going to keep it & hope that there will be another time for my DH to be there with me.   We are supposed to be with his family all weekend and I would just prefer to know either way than to be a ball of nerves the whole weekend.   I hope I am making the right choice!!   It is just so hard to know what to do!  If I kept my appointment on Monday, I would worry all weekend.   And now that I am changing it, I am feeling bad my DH will not be there.  What to do? What to do?  What do you think?  Any advice?

Thank you!

Nervous & Work stinks!

10 days until my u/s and I am finding myself very nervous. I have had some symptoms but they are coming & going. I was really nauseous & tired on Tuesday but have felt pretty good since then. I have some crampiness on & off. And twice this week, I have been very short of breath. I am told this is the progesterone which makes sense as mine was pretty high. Logically, I know I am making the right decision on waiting for my u/s but emotionally, I am like Are you Crazy??? Lol! We have plans to go to the zoo this weekend but it is supposed to rain. We may need to find an inside activity to keep us busy. And next weekend, we have plans so that is good. Just hoping the time goes by fast. The only good thing right now about work is that we are very busy so the work week goes by fast. I have been a bit tired too so I have been going to bed earlier too (only to end up tossing & turning later in the evening but I do feel more rested than if I go to bed late.). Other than that, work suks big time. I like some of the people I work with but I miss the work of my old job. The training & communication here is horrible. My manager is horrible- although a bit better than my old manager as he is a lot more flexible. But he is so wishy washy and he can not make a decision. It is like pulling teeth. We work in a difficult environment as where I work was a small company bought by a larger company in early 2011 & they are still in transition mode. But still.... Communicate! Tell us what is going on & what is expected. I still do not know my goals for 2012. I know I am rambling. It is hard to work in an environment where people do not talk to one another. I am sure it is common though. Enough of my rambling! Happy Friday!

Beta #3

Went up to 536! 37 hour doubling time! = ). Progesterone still high at 106. Our u/s is scheduled for 3/21. Hoping that is not too early but I am not able to 3/22 or 3/23 with work. Should I ask to wait until 3/26 instead? I know it would be torture to wait another weekend but I am not sure if it is better? I am at work so I should go. Thank you for all the positive thoughts. I am praying our little bean sticks!!

Edited: I decided to wait until 3/26 for our ultrasound.  I worried that 3/21 would be too early and I would be more worried by that than if I were to wait.  It is going to be hard to wait more time but hopefully 2 weeks will go by fast!!  I keep telling my DH to think sticky thoughts!!

Trying to stay busy this weekend...

So far, we have done a good job of staying busy to help keep my mind off of my beta tomorrow. I can not believe it is already 4:30pm on Sunday!! It is impossible for me to not think about it, but at least time so far has gone by fast.

On a whim, we drove to Chicago yesterday (~ 2 hours one way) to take our little guy to the aquarium. I do not recommend going on a Saturday! It was crazy. We waited in line to get tickets for about an hour. There was a little boy in front of us who was having a little meltdown. I was very impressed with how his mom handled it as but I think I would have said we can do this another day! We had fun but I do not think it was worth the money. Children under 3 can get in for free, but it was still expensive. It was not catered to young children like other aquariums we have been to. Out little guy really liked the penguins & dolphins though. We got home late; thankfully our little guy went to bed well. I am glad we tried it as we are usually home-bodies so it was fun to get out if the house & area for a bit.

Today, we went grocery shopping (and bought the whole store!! LOL.  We needed a lot more than normal as I did not do a full shopping last weekend.)   We always have fun grocery shopping.  We can home and had lunch, hung around and I was not feeling great, so I laid down for a TWO hour nap! It was beautiful.  I have not napped like this is a very very long time.  Before our little guy, I napped almost every day on the weekend. I love naps.  But since our little guy does not nap well, I do not get many naps which I have adapted pretty well too (I still get a little crabby but I try to contain it.  hehe!)

It is in the 60s which is crazy for March! My DH took our little guy outside in the yard for an hour while I napped. And when I woke up from my nap, my little guy is actually taking a nap - a rarity in our house on the weekends!  I guess being outside today wore him out.  My DH had some cute pictures for me when I woke up! Tonight, My DH is going to grill chicken and veggies!  YUMMY!

I am nervous for my beta tomorrow but am trying to be somewhat calm about it!  I am not sure what I really think. I go back and forth between being very hopeful and then not hopeful at all.   I am very tired, which is a good sign.  Other than that, I have had some cramping like AF is going to be here, which makes me nervous.  The worst part is the, without getting too graphic, the need for more fiber in my diet.  OMG!  It is already terrible.  I had it really bad with my pregnancy with my little guy.  I am trying to eat more fiber and drink more water.   Hopefully both of these help!  I am praying that I have a sticky bean!!  Please oh please!!

I am off to shop for my nephew's 2nd birthday present.  He is 2 today!  Hopefully I will have good news to share tomorrow!

Beta #2

89.6 44 hour doubling time Dr said it went up appropriately but I sensed a little concern. Usually he only calls if it is not great news. Next beta is on Monday! I will write more later as I am at work! Thank you for all the wonderful support.

Incredibly Nervous!

Beta #2 is tomorrow and I am incredibly nervous.  I know there isn't anything I can do about the results - they will be what they will be.  This is the part I have trouble with - I have absolutely no control. Drives me crazy!
Please, oh please let it be good news.  Hopefully I will hear the results early again. 

On a positive note, my little guy ate pasta tonight!! I think we are finally turning the corner with table food.  He has been very slow to eat table food -- he ate pizza the other night and pasta tonight!  He still loves his pureed fruit pouches - in the mornings, we ask him if he wants a fruit pouch & he runs right to where we keep them! It is so cute!  He also walked around our house today looking at the leaves, the trees, the grass. I think he is going to love being out more when the weather gets warm!  It was 64 degrees today which is crazy for early March.  I love it though!!  I could handle this weather all the time!!

I should go to bed early but I know I will not sleep well again tonight.

Tired but can not sleep....

Have you ever felt tired but you are fighting going to sleep?  That is me tonight!  I am tired but have way too much on my mind to go to bed.  I am afraid I will just lay there or toss & turn thinking about things.  My DH just went to bed so I thought this might be a good time to write some more.

I am still cautiously happy about my beta this morning.  My next beta is Thursday and I am hoping that tomorrow goes by fast.  I am hoping & praying that my little bean sticks!  Can you believe my RE wanted me to wait until Monday for my next beta?  I asked for one in between - I told the nurse I was feeling quite stressed & I am my nature a worrier so having one earlier would be very helpful to me.  They thankfully said no problem.  My DH asked me why I did not wait and I said -- do you want me to drive you crazy for 6 days?  He then completely understood why I did not want to wait.  He is so calm about things, it amazes me.  I think when he knows something is out of our control, he does not worry.  I admire that so much.  I wish I could be that way too.  But I know my limitations & I am not that way....

I am hoping for the best but remaining realistic at the same time.   I am trying to keep as many negative thoughts out of my head.  When I start to think negatively, I start sending sticky vibes to my bean!

Thank you for all of your support! I appreciate it very much!! I am going to try to get some sleep!!

Beta is in....

I am at work so I will write more later. Beta is 42.9. Progesterone is 99. Beta is a little low but my dr seemed happy with it. And my progesterone is very good. I can stop the meds! Yeah! Now I pray with all my might I have a sticky bean! Stick little one, stick!

I could not sleep AGAIN!

Once again, I found myself unable to sleep so I tested.  And the line is still very light and may even be lighter than yesterday = ( Unfortunately, all the memories of this happening before are coming back to me.  I truly know there isnt anything I can do to control what is going to happen here.  Except I keep thinking, well did I hold my little guy too much? did I not do something right?  In the end, I know it is most likely not something that I have done.

I apologize for being a negative nelly here when I should be happy and positive.  I have always been a half empty kind of girl and I was hoping to see a darker line again. I am a worrier and it is definitely a fault of mine.

I am going to keeping praying that my little bean is a fighter like my little guy was.  Stick little bean, Stick!! I am going to try to keep busy today so I do not drive myself insane.

Thank you for listening to me ramble and be my normal negative nelly self!! I do keep reminding myself that whatever happens, I am a very lucky girl!! I have a wonderful life, a job (not one I like, but I have a job), a great husband, a wonderful little boy and our crazy dog!!  And we are all healthy!!  I often feel selfish asking for more!

I am going to go try to get a little more sleep.

I could not sleep so I tested.....

(Again).  I was so proud I did not test on 10dpiui but I caved yesterday morning and tested.  It was just so light and I really did not expect to see 2 lines.  I could not sleep this morning so I tested again and it looks like it is a little darker to me.  There is still a LONG way to go and with my past, I am not letting myself get too excited as it could be taken away from as fast as it arrived if this little one does not decide to stick.  I hate that IF has done this to me, but at this point it is out of my control.  I just have to take my medication and pray for a sticky bean!  Stick little bean, stick!!  My beta is not until Tuesday so hopefully I do not go crazy.  FRERs are known to be sensitive so I have to be prepared for another low beta.  Unfortunately, I am hoping for the best but mentally preparing for the worst.

I should try to go back to sleep.  I am going to be one tired girl today and it is a single mom day for me today so hopefully I can get another hour or two of sleep.  We do have a playdate later today so hopefully that will tire out the little guy and help him to nap!!  

10dpiui

I am 10dpiui today and am proud I did not test this morning!  I am trying to hold out until this weekend if possible.  This 2WW has felt especially long even with being really busy at work.  Today was probably one of the only days that has gone by really fast.  Hopefully tomorrow will go by fast too.  I am debating about testing on Saturday morning.  I am getting pretty anxious to know if this worked or if we will be starting a new cycle next week.  I had to leave work early today to pick up my little guy from daycare (which is an hour drive to the daycare and a half hour drive home) so I should keep this short as I have a little work to do tonight before I go to bed.  Part of me just wants to go to bed as I did not sleep well last night -- woke up almost every hour starting at 3am until right before my alarm was set to go off.  I will need to leave early again tomorrow to pick up my little guy again so I should probably be a good little worker bee and get a couple of things done tonight!  It is almost the weekend.  It is almost the weekend.  = )