1dpIUI

My IUI was yesterday!  What a crazy cycle!  Things have been quite busy so I have not had much time to write about it.  We started off with 5 days of Femara & 3 days of Follistim before going in for my first scan.  Well, my body did not respond and I only had very small follicles & a thin lining.  So, my cycle was then turned into an injectable cycle and I ended up doing 8 days of injections anyways (normally on a full injectable cycle I was doing 10 days) and going in for additional scans.  My last scan was on Monday 12/17 and with 5 follies in the running (20, 2 at 17, 16 and 14);  however, my OPK was negative.  They gave me instructions to do another shot of injectables that evening, another OPK the next morning and if +, our IUI would be set up for Wednesday afternoon and if negative, Thursday morning.  I went out to dinner on Monday night with two women in my RESOLVE group and I was feeling all these pains on my side.  I was pretty uncomfortable and so I decided to do an OPK when I got home.  It was positive.  OMG, what do I do???  I texted with a friend who pushed me (thankfully) to call my RE's office.  I got up the courage to do so and although in the end I am glad I did, it was a painful conversation.  The doctor on call was not my regular doctor and was really rude to me.  I knew he did not know my history or my cycle details so I tried to explain but not go into too much detail.  I should have been more detailed.  He argued with me, he interrupted me, and was giving me attitude like why was I calling him.  We left the conversation with me in tears, deciding not to do the injection that night and to call the office in the morning.

I had to go into the office the next morning anyways to pick up the lovely specimen cup for my DH and thankfully my nurse that I have been working with was there!  I explained to her with tears what happened and she was so nice.  The mean dr as I like to call him now had left an email (I am not sure what it said) so she had a little knowledge but I explained to her what happened.  She had me come back into the office to do another OPK and yep, it was +.  She called my regular dr and we re-scheduled the IUI for Wednesday morning instead knowing I had started to surge the evening before.  I think they realized that I do in fact know my body!  I too was thankful it was in the morning as that was much easier for my job and my DH's job.  We would have made it work either way of course!

So, our IUI was yesterday morning. It went well - it was neat that they did an abdominal u/s so they could see the shape of my uterus and how it was positioned (I have a uterus that tilts backwards) and as a result, I could see what was happening!  My old RE had never done this before.  My RE seemed pleased and thought we had a good chance.  Since it lasted quite a bit longer than he thought it would, he walked into the room & was like "we are finally here."  I am glad that he let it go longer and did not cancel.  I like when RE's understand that our bodies do not all react the same way and are willing to make it work for you.  My RE brought up the conversation from Monday and without actually saying sorry, he semi-apologized.  I am glad he brought it up without me bringing it up.  At this point, I am trying to put it behind me!  I did see the mean dr in the hallway at the office and wondered if he knew it was me.  I doubt it but I wondered.  He even looked mean in real life as I had not seen him in person before.

Now, we wait and see! I start progesterone suppositories tomorrow if they show up in the mail today like they are supposed to.  I have never done these before so I am not looking forward to the messiness I have heard they bring.  But if it works and helps, I am in no way shape or form complaining!!  I am to do an HPT on 1/2/13 and if + call for a beta! And I will know before this point if it did not work.  AF usually shows her lovely face around 13dpiui if it does not work! I am crossing my fingers & toes that we are successful and we will be pg going into the New Year!  But if not, we will move forward and hope that 2013 is a much better year than 2012.

With regards to POAS, I have a debate going on in my head.  I am normally a complete POAS-er.  I usually start about 10 or 11dpiui.  This time I know I will not start until 12/31 or 12dpiui due to our holiday vacation.  I am not bringing any HPTs with me so I do not go crazy while on vacation.  My debate is do I POAS on 12/31 or just wait and see!  With my 4 BFPs in the past, if I did not have spotting or AF by 13dpiui, it was a BFP.  I think I have it in my head right now that I am going to try my best-est not to POAS early.  However, in the past when I have said this, I have tested early!  So based on trends & history, I will probably POAS early!  It is just such a catch 22, I cant stand it!  I guess I will just play it by ear and see how I feel.  I usually have a gut feel about 10-11 days into it whether it worked or not.  I just like to plan.  If I can just make it through the next 12 1/2 days!

CD12 - Cycle Update

It has been almost 2 weeks since I have posted! I started my cycle after my baseline appointment on 12/3.  I took 5 days of Femara & 3 days of Follistim before having another ultrasound today.  Needless to say, it was not the best appointment in that my lining is still thin (4.5mm) and I have several small follies (ranging from 8-10mm.)  My body decided it did not want to respond to the Femara, unfortunately.  So much for saving a little money with cheaper medication!  I guess that body prefers the expensive way with injectables!  I guess it was worth a try!  So I spent a bit of time on the phone today (when I should have been working) trying to compare prices & ordering medication to be over-nighted to me tomorrow.  So I will take injectables and go back on Friday for another scan.  Thinking grow follie grow vibes!

I also have some sort of cyst in my right ovary, but they are not sure what kind. Hoping it is one that will just resolve on its own.  They are not too concerned yet and said they will just keep an eye on it during future scans.  Hoping it is nothing to worry about! I guess I worry as I have not had this before (at least that I know of.)  My new REs office provides so much more information than my previous RE.  It is very nice but at the same time, I have more details to worry about!

Here's hoping that a few more days of meds will bring some better news on Friday!

AF is here! = )

AF is here!! First step in getting this show on the road!  Baseline u/s and labs on Monday.  Hopefully everything looks good with both and we will start Femara on Monday.  I guess we will do the Femara from CD 4-8 and Follistim CD 9-13. It is going to be very strange not doing injections until CD9!  I am not complaining by any means!  I truly hopes this produces some good follies -- even if this cycle does not work, this method is a lot less expensive than a full injectables/IUI cycle.  Less injectables to purchase and less monitoring appointments.  So, I pray & pray that my body does well with this combo!!

In the non-TTC world, I am loving our new location!  Love, love, love it!!  Only thing I am not loving is my new job!  I knew when I took it that it was not going to be my dream job but it so far has turned out to be horribly boring.  They have barely given me anything to do the last 3 weeks despite my inquiring several times.  I am told this coming week should get busier so I am praying that is true.  Even if the work is boring, as long as I am busy, I am OK for now.  Not being busy & boring is a disastrous combination for me.  If things do not improve soon, I will definitely be out searching for a new job come the 1st of the year.  I have even started to update my resume for that time.

I have joined a RESOLVE group.  It just started up recently so there are now 4 of us.  I met the leader for breakfast a few weeks ago and she is wonderful!  And I will be meeting the other 2 women on Monday for my first official meeting.  We are bringing in pizza & it should be good!!

I have also joined a SHARE (Pregnancy / Infant Loss) support group.  I went to my first meeting about 10 days ago and it was difficult.  I had a hard time opening up and felt myself getting scared to say much.  I am going to give it another try by attending the December meeting.  They are having a session to make ornaments for our angels and I am looking forward to that.  I have been thinking about how best to honor/remember Ethan for Christmas!  I look forward to putting up the ornament on our small tree,which hopefully we will be putting up within the next week.  It does not feel like Christmas time to me but I am doing my best to try to get into the spirit for my little guy!  He deserves the very best Christmas this year as he has been through so much change this year and has come through the change like a champ!! I am so lucky to have him and my hubby in my life!!  I pray and pray and pray that we will be able to add to our family in the sooner than later future!!

Familiar Spot - Waiting!

I feel like when it comes to TTC, all that is done is wait, wait, wait! And here I am again in the all too familiar spot of waiting for AF to show! I was so convinced that I actually ovulated and would have a normal cycle of 30 some days.  Well, I guess I was dreaming as I am here on CD44 and day 7 of provera with no AF yet.  Ugh!   I am tired of waiting.  I want to get this show on the road!  Ready to try Femara + Injectables + IUI to see how if Femara might do its work for us in a less expensive manner! I pray it does! I know the chances are low so I must, must, must keep my expectations low (easier said than done.)  Thinking AF COME NOW vibes!!

Thankful, Sad and Guilt all mixed together!

Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day 2012.  It is really hard to believe that this holiday has already passed and Christmas is less than 5 weeks away.  This year has been a combination of wonderful & tragic times, which brings me to the question of whether it is possible to be thankful & sad at the same time?  Why do I feel guilty being sad when I truly know how much I have to be thankful for?

I have so much to be thankful for: my DH, my son here on earth with me, my son in heaven and not here with me, my dog, my health, a roof over my head, clothes, food, a job (albeit a new boring one), friends, family (despite my soured relationship with my parents - another post for a future date) and much, much more!!

I wanted to say how thankful I am for all of your support & friendship from everyone in the bloggy world, especially last week as I managed through the pain & sadness of my should be due date! Thank you so much!

However, over all of my thankfulness is a cloud of sadness for the loss of our precious son this year, the loss of our dream of having 2 sons 2 years apart and the continued stress of infertility - which makes our dream of adding to our family very difficult.  It is even a possibility this may never happen (which is a future post on how I will come to terms with this if this happens; praying it does not and we will be pregnant in the near future.)  I know there will be sadness for the rest of my life.  Just have to find a way to balance the sadness with the thankfulness so that I can lead a healthy life for both myself and my family.
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In other news, my new job is more boring than I could have ever imagined! I am not sure why they even hired me as there is not enough work to go around.  There is one person leaving our group this week and she just started a few months ago.  I think she is bored out of her mind & is leaving with no job to be a stay at home mom until she can find a better job.  Even with her going, I am not sure there will be enough work.  My new manager has told me it will get busier but I am just not seeing it yet.  I hope & pray he is right.  In the meantime, I am going to be updating my resume again and looking for a new job!!

Regarding TTC, I am in a holding pattern until AF decides to show!  Today is Day 4 of provera.  As soon as AF decides to show, we will go in for CD2 or 3 bloodwork and a baseline u/s!  Come on AF, please come sooner than later!! I am ready to get this show on the road!!!

11/13 - My Should Be Due Date

Please oh please give me the strength to make it through tomorrow in one piece.  I should be welcoming my son into this world.  I still keep wishing that the time since June would be one bad dream and I would wake up with my son in my arms.  I know that is not going to happen though.

Ethan, my sweet angel, I miss you so much!!

RE Appointment & Plan

We had our 1st consult with a new RE here in South Carolina today. I think it went well. I felt really bad as I inundated the dr with paperwork/ prior records, but I thought better to be safe than sorry.  I should have probably sent them all earlier but I was not sure what to do. The RE was very nice & spent over an hour with us. I did not think my DH was going to be able to come with me but he rearranged his schedule so he could be there! The staff was really nice too, especially the financial coordinator! One thing I did not totally like at my last RE was the office staff. And this office uses email. Yeah!! My old RE did not use email. 

I am very glad the RE does not want to do all the testing all over again - just wants to check my FSH & AMH. We decided a HSG was not needed since we were pregnant earlier this year and my DH had a SA in August when we froze his sample.  And having our FSH/AMH information will not change our plan - our RE just wants to have this information in our file.

The plan we came up with: when AF shows, I will go in for baseline u.s and labs - and if all looks good, will start a combo femara/follistim iui cycle. I have a 600iu cartridge leftover so it will be a little less expensive and less monitoring with starting my new job next week. I am happy to have a plan. If AF does not show in the next 2 weeks, I will take provera again too. The RE also wants me to consult with a MFM in the area to see if I should be using lovenox if/when we do get pregnant. I will hopefully set that up next week for early December. 

We shall see - we are getting started sooner than I thought we would as we know with being 40, our clocks are ticking!  Fingers crossed we will have success with our new plan.  If anything, we will know if Femara will work or if we will need to go straight back to a complete injectables cycle. I am treating this cycle more as a test cycle and not getting my hopes up too much (easier said than done though.)

RE Consult Postponed

My little guy woke up this morning with a 102+ degree temperature so I kept him out of daycare and postponed my consult.  Thankfully, they had an opening for Friday morning.  Otherwise, we would be waiting until after the holidays to set this up.  It was my little guy's first day at daycare yesterday so I am not sure if he caught some new germs there or if it was something from all of our travels this past weekend.  My DH does not feel well either and I feel a bit warm too so hoping we are not all catching the same thing.  And if we are, that it is nothing to be concerned with.  My little guy was up 2 times last night, which is VERY unusual, and of course I stayed up late to watch the election results so I am quite tired today!  Thankfully I am not working this week so I can go take a nap too!  I knew something was off by him getting up twice but I was still surprised to see him have a temperature this morning as he was acting normal last night - and thankfully he still is today.  Hopefully he will be able to at least go to daycare by Friday, if not tomorrow.  I wanted him to get as much time there before I start my new job on Monday.  I wish things could be a little more simple these days but we never seem to do things the easy way.

Uncertain TTC Future

I have my first consult with a new RE tomorrow morning. I am incredibly nervous. I was doing more research and found out that my new insurance (through my DH until mine takes effect next March) does not cover fertility at all.  My old insurance at least covered labs, appts and u/s.  I am not sure what we will do.  I probably should be waiting on the RE consult until next year with the deductibles and everything.  Unfortunately, it is too late as the appointment is in less than 24 hours.  I have to admit that I just want to know what another dr thinks our options are so that I can begin to try to determine the costs & we can figure out what we can afford.  And also, with our ages, we know time is not on our side.  Problem is right now we have a house that will not sell.  I start my new job on Monday but unfortunately it does not pay quite as well as my old job.  I took this job to get us back together as a family, which in the end, is the most important thing.

I did talk to my DH tonight and adding to our family is something that he really wants too. Unfortunately he is not able to come with my to the appointment (last minute work meetings).  He reassured me that he believes that we can afford IUI/Injects - and he reminded me not to get too far ahead (ie thinking about IVF - when IUI has worked for us & IVF did not.)  I tend to think 10 steps ahead and get much more stressed over things so it is nice to have has my DH's even level thinking to help me! My DH reassured me that going to the appointment tomorrow is a good thing as our time is limited (with us both being 40.)  He believes that we should not wait.  It will depend on the hours of the office as this will not be easy with starting a new job.  Ugh!  Why can't this be easier?

Any which way tomorrow goes, I am struggling a lot with the feeling of being sad that we may not be able to have more children.  Even if we can afford IUI/Injects, there is a chance that it may never work again. I feel guilty for my sadness - I remind myself every day how much I do have as my little boy is amazing but the sadness is always there. Is this horrible of me?  Sadness for what we are missing, sadness for not being able to give my son a sibling, sadness for the loss of our dreams.  And much of my recent sadness is related to the fact that my "should be" due date is in a week.  I know several women who are also due over the next month and as happy as I am for them to have their babies in their arms, I am sad that I do not get to hold my Ethan in my arms and see him grow/play with my little guy.   I keep asking the never ending question of Why?  I know this question will never be answered = (  I just keep reminding myself that I can not miss out on my little guy growing up by being encompassed by my sadness.  My angel would not want me to do that.  I truly believe that.  So many conflicting feelings and I have a feeling I will feel this for the rest of my life.

I am hoping that tomorrow will bring a little more hope than I have had today / tonight!  I am hoping that I can delay my coming to terms about the real possibility we may not be able to add to our family.  I just am not ready to do this. I truly hope that the new RE is easy and nice to work with -- and that he has hope too that our chances are decent (at least for our ages.)

Now that the election results are in, it is time for bed! Good night!

Thank you & Positive Thoughts for a Friend

I wanted to say thank you for your positive thoughts to my latest posts! They help and mean so much!  I am feeling a little better as well after a wonderful weekend with family & friends, celebrating my son's 2nd birthday.  Although I think about our angel ALL THE TIME, it helped to have happiness, playfulness and celebrating tones in our house this weekend.  It has helped me to somewhat (not completely) accept that a cycle this year is out of the question.  I hope though that our consult in 9 days will at least provide us with a plan to look forward to in the New Year when we are ready!

In terms of moving, there is still SO much to do, it is CRAZY!  I should be working at the moment. I am trying to believe somehow, someway it will get done!!  We are moving on Saturday no matter what!  Crazy me is still working at my current job until Wednesday but since I am pretty much twiddling my thumbs and am completely bored, I think I may sneak out to "work" from home for a few hours (ie pack & clean stuff out.)  This way I can get stuff done & my little guy will be having fun at school.  Then I will have all day Thursday & most of the day Friday to get more things done as my work group is taking me out to lunch on Wednesday -- and then there is a Fall Festival at my little guy's school.  And then if the weather is OK, we will go trick or treating for a little bit with friends on their street.  I hope, hope, hope that we can get everything done for our move on Saturday.

I also wanted to send lots of ++++ and strong 3rd beta vibes to my friend Leslie @ My Hormonacoaster.  Leslie, I am hoping & praying with all my might that your beta on Wednesday is fabulous!  Fingers, toes and everything else is crossed.  If you are reading this and have not already visited Leslie's blog, can you go over and wish her the BEST!

Off to do more packing & organizing.  Thank you again for all of your friendship & support!!

Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed!  There I said it!  I am finally admitting 9 days before we are moving that I am overwhelmed.  I am not sure how I have done everything the past 6 months.  I know the first two months I was so excited to be pregnant and bringing a sibling into this world for Aaron.  Our hopes & dreams of adding to our family were coming true.  And then after our loss, I put one foot in front of the other for Aaron.  I had to be strong for him. I wanted to make sure that he was well taken care of and this helped me to push forward.   I think though that I did not really take the time to take care of myself very well.  I feel more sad now that I did a month ago. I did not prepare myself well enough for a failed cycle.  I have not prepared myself well enough for what should be my due date.  I had not thought hard enough about what it would be like if I were not pregnant again before our due date. I had hope a month ago and now it is gone.

I actually for a few minutes today thought about talking to my dr tomorrow about a short term cycle of anti-depressants to help me get through the next month or two.  I know there is nothing wrong with taking medication but I am really hesitant as I *should* be able to work through all of these emotions.  I feel I *should* be strong enough with everything I have been through this year.  I have worked through being a single mom for 6 months along with a roller coaster pregnancy & pregnancy loss all while taking care of a toddler.  If I can do that I feel like I can do anything.  The problem is I may not be strong enough to really work through this pregnancy loss.  As soon as I feel like I am feeling better, something reminds me of our loss and my heart breaks all over again & tears flow down my face continuously.  Additionally, I am not sleeping well.  At least very shortly we will be together as a family again on a daily basis and I hope that will help me sleep better.

I have found a support group I am going to attend in mid-November.  I think my plan is to hold off on the medication and see if sleeping better & attending a support group can raise my spirits & renew my hope for the future.  If that does not work, I think I will be find a new OB-GYN and discuss other alternatives.  I just hate not to try a few other things before going down the route of medication.

Off to work on packing & getting ready for our move.

The Question What If and Feelings of Guilt

The question What If has been going through my mind a lot lately with regards to What If I am never able to get pregnant again or what if I do get pregnant again & we have another loss? What will I do? How will I be? How will I get through the sadness? I feel so guilty thinking many of these thoughts as I know that I am absolutely BLESSED beyond words to have my husband, my son and our angel in my life.  My husband is amazing and my son is a miracle. And my angel is beautiful & perfect. I love them with all my heart!  Unfortunately, with lots of guilt, there is a BUT in that I want to add to our family.  I want to be pregnant again. I want to have another child to see grow & play with Aaron.  I want another child to remember & honor our Ethan with.  The guilt is sometimes overwhelming.  Am I asking too much?

I was thinking back today to almost three years ago in November 2009, when our third IUI/Injectables cycle failed and we were forced to take a break as my RE would not be doing cycles around Christmas time - and that is when our IUI would have most likely happened.  I remember being bummed out and happy at the same time.  And then the bummed out-ness seeped through the happiness as the month went on and the feeling of hope seemed a far distance away.  I remember asking What if I never have children?  I feel in a similar space right now.  I think a lot of what I am feeling right now is a lack of hope.  I have no idea when/if we will be able to do treatments again.  I have a consultation with a new RE in two weeks but have no idea what he will say and if I will like him. I have no idea if my new job will be open to be missing time from work for infertility treatments.  I know that is a lot to ask especially being new.  I am not sure based on what options we decide we have if we can even afford treatments.  I hope we can so that we can figure out a path to continue our dream of adding to our family.  I am so anxious to hear what a new RE has to say!  Praying we can figure this out!!

Three years ago when the hope faded away, the new year then came about, new hope sprang up in the air and our next cycle was the one where we conceived Aaron.  I am trying with all my might to pray that we will be lucky to have the same happen to us in 2013 if/when we are able to cycle again!  I guess only time will tell and in the meantime, I will do my best to enjoy our time away from TTC, get settled in our new location and marvel in the amazing things that my son is doing right now!

Hope to me is everything right now and without it, I am feeling quite sad.  Guilt & sadness all mixed in.  I hope that I can feel that feeling of hope again!  And if it is not in the cards for us, I truly hope that I can figure out a way to come to terms with it.  I know I have a truly amazing family -- I am just not ready to give up the idea of adding to it.  Hopefully I will not have to give up the idea!

Have you experienced similar feelings?

Update!

Lets see!

I can not believe it is after midnight and I am still up.  I had such a fun evening going out to dinner with a friend of mine.  We arranged for her babysitter to watch our little guys and actually went out for a girls dinner.  We talked about our little guys, our upcoming moves (as she is moving to California) and our angels (my friend lost her baby girl 4 years ago at 20 weeks to an incompetent cervix).  It was so much fun!  We ended up going out at 7pm and talking until 10pm - I did not get home until close to 10:45pm.  And now I am up way too late!!  I am going to be mad at myself in the morning for staying up so late!

Tomorrow is Aaron's SECOND birthday! OMG! Where does the time go?  My baby is growing up way too fast!! He is an amazing little boy and I love him more than words can express.  I told our daycare today that we are moving so our last day is in two weeks!  The Director had tears in her eyes!  I started bawling as his daycare is wonderful.  Although we have Aaron signed up for a new daycare in SC, we were not able to find one nearly as nice as his current one.  We will miss it very much!  Although I was sad to tell them we would be saying goodbye, it made me smile inside that Aaron has made an impact on others sat daycare!

It looks like my decision was made for me regarding squeezing in a cycle before we move.  I will not be able to as my RE, who is a solo dr, is not doing cycles over the next month.  I am not sure why & I did not want to be too nosy as he has taken breaks before.   I was pretty bummed out as I had it in my mind that if we could have squeezed one in, I would have.  A new RE in Greenville was recommended to me and I have our first consult set up for November 7th.   I have been with my current RE for 3 1/2 years so it is going to be weird talking to a new one.  I hope it is a good thing to have a new fresh set of eyes on helping me to get pregnant again!  The receptionist who I talked with on the phone was REALLY nice so that is always a good sign.  And the new RE's office is 3 miles from my new job (where my current one was 45 minutes from my job and over an hour from my house.)   And the new RE's office has so much automated -- I fill out paperwork online and everything!  I just hope I like the actual RE as that is so important to me.

I went to the Remembrance Ceremony at my local hospital on Monday and it was really nice (except the midwife of the practice I go to saying some things are meant to be -- GRRR.)  My OB who delivered Aaron put the event on (this was the first year they have done this) and they did a really nice job.  I live in a small town so there were 4 women who had experienced losses and many staff members there.  Although I wish it was not needed as there was no such thing as a loss, I am so glad that my hospital has started this to help women like myself.  It meant a lot!

And before I go to bed, I wanted to send lots and lots of sticky vibes for my friend Leslie at My Hormonacoaster!  She had her FET this past Wednesday!!  Please send lots of sticky vibes to her embies!  I hope that she will hear great news in 9 days!

BFN Official: AF is here = ( / Oct 15th

BFN is official. AF showed her ugly face in the middle of the night - and she is being extra mean today too.  I have been beyond sad today but have tried to hold it together for my little guy.  Thankfully, my DH was home and took my little guy out for a little while this afternoon so I could have some time to myself.  I knew the chances were low that we would get lucky on our first try again but I think what hurts the most is that it is more real than ever that we may not be able to add to our family...all the day before Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance day and a month away from when my due date should be.

My head feels like there is a ping pong inside of it right now. I know I sound like I am crazy when I say that.  One side of me feels incredibly blessed for what I have (my DS1, my DH, my health, a comfortable life, and much more) and the other side wants to swear at the world for taking my DS2 away from me too early.  It has crushed my dreams of having two children close in age.  It may crush my dreams of even having more than one child.  I do not even have enough words to really say how much it hurts!  I love my little guy more than anything in this world but am so sad I may never be able to give him a sibling.  I will hopefully find out tomorrow if we can cycle before we move.  I pray we can.  I long for more hope!!

Not only is October 15th 4 months since we lost our baby Ethan, but it is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I am going to a ceremony at my local hospital tomorrow (my OBs office called on Friday to invite me) and will be thinking of all of the babies we have lost and wanted to ask if you might say a prayer or light a candle for our babies at 7pm.  My thoughts & prayers go out to all of the Baby Loss Mommies in our community.

BFN & More Cramps

Even though I was trying not to test until Monday (as I think AF will be here before then), I caved this morning and tested as I am a POAS addict. I had a slight bit of hope left but it was a Big Ole BFN!  I have always had some sort of faint line by 12piui so I am calling this one as I have more cramps.  I will just wait for AF to get here today, tomorrow or Monday.

This sucks!!  In my heart of hearts, since the middle of this week, I just *knew* it was not going to work but it still sucks!

Now to see if we can fit in one more cycle before we move.  My DH & I are going to work through the move date this weekend.

Going Crazy! 11dpiui.

I am going nuts!  I am 99% sure this cycle is not going to work - I had a tiny bit of spotting today during work and none since.  But I definitely have AF cramps on & off and my back hurts!  If it is not going to work, I just want AF to get here!  This is when I wish I took my temperature every day so I could see.  I am tempted to stop the prometrium but I know I should not until AF is here in full force.  I would like AF to get here sooner than later as if she gets here sooner, there is a chance that we could get in one more cycle before we move!

YES! We are moving - probably in 3 to 4 weeks!! I finally found a job -- and although it is not my ideal / dream job, I am so excited to be able to move.  YIPPIE!  Once I am moved, I will document more about the last 6 months so not to forget  what I have been able to do.

Doing one more cycle may not be a great idea with all the stress of moving & starting a new job but I think we have some more of my DH's frozen sperm left so I would like to try to use it and why not have one more last chance before I will need to take a few months off with starting a new job.  Not sure it would be a good idea to start a new job and tell my new manager that I will be late so often due to infertility treatments!  However, if I were pregnant before starting, that would be OK except for the fact that I am not really eligible for FMLA until one year of employment.   But, we would figure it out! I am not a spring chicken so time is not necessarily on my side!

Here is wishing I am wrong and there is still a chance -- or to AF getting here FAST!!!

Update (IUI, weekend, pink eye etc etc.)

I realized I have not updated in a little while so I thought I would in bullet point fashion as things have been so crazy around here!

* Lets's see -- my IUI was on Monday 10/1 so I am almost 8dpiui.  My RE did an u/s right before the IUI and it actually showed I had already ovulated.  I asked if we should still go forward with the IUI and my RE said yes, so we did!  Luckily, we had some fun that weekend though = )  Although at 8dpiui, I am honestly not feeling it!  I have had on and off AF like cramps & bloating.  I know that these can also be pregnancy signs - especially with having started prometrium yesterday.   But at the same time I am realistic and know the chances are minimal with an IUI.

* Had a wonderful weekend visiting my DH in South Carolina, while my inlaws watched Aaron for us.  We celebrated our 10th anniversary a little early.   I flew in to Charlotte on Thursday, drove down to Greenville and had 2 interviews on Friday, then we went to Asheville, NC on Saturday to visit the Biltmore Estate & I then drove back to Charlotte on Sunday!  Lots of driving but it was fun!  And it was nice to have some alone time with my DH!  We missed Aaron a ton and talked about him most of the time = )  

* Aaron caught pink eye somehow - when I called to let daycare know today, they said another child in Aaron's classroom was sent home today with pink eye too so he must have caught it at daycare.  When I got home yesterday, I noticed some discharge from his eyes but his eyes were not actually red so I was not too worried as I thought it was just the start of a cold.  This morning, he woke up with puffy & crusty eyes!  My inlaws were so nice & took him to the pediatrician for me and it turns out it is pink eye!  My FIL had to get back to their home so he drove back while my MIL stayed & watched Aaron today as I had an important meeting at work to attend.  My FIL will drive back tomorrow to pick up my MIL - they will watch Aaron until I get home from work and then will head back home again.  They are so wonderful.   We are truly lucky to have their help and are going to miss them very much once we get moved!

* I do not talk a ton about our move as it has been a tough process.  However, I did receive a verbal offer today for a new job in South Carolina.  I am very conflicted about it!  I have to sleep on it and hopefully more clarity will come to me soon.  Problem is the salary is really low & no 401K match but in the end, I know it would be the best thing for our family.

* My work has been so crazy busy -- I am having trouble keeping up!  Right near the point I might be leaving, it starts to get busy like I like it to be -- for so many months, it was so boring & I was searching for work to do!!  Crazy how that works!

* If I do start a new job soon, and this cycle does not work, then it looks like TTC will be put on hold again.  And with just turning 40, I am not sure what the future holds in terms of another child.  More and more unfortunately the thoughts of coming to terms with having no more children has been in the back of my mind. I know I am not ready to accept that but part of me feels like I may have to with everything else going on.
Question: if you have come to terms with not having any more children despite an extreme desire to have more children - how did you do this?

* 38 days until it *should* have been my due date!  I was in tears this weekend as a friend texted our college group with an u/s announcing she was pregnant (about 9-10 weeks along I think).  I am happy for her but it hit me hard!  And now even harder realizing that it may never happen again for us.  I truly hope it does but it is hard to see right now.  Ethan, I miss you & I love you!!

* Aaron, my adorable boy, will be TWO in less than 2 weeks.  Craziness!! Hard to believe!!  You are truly amazing and I am thankful each & every day to have you in my life (and hope that you did not give me a heart attach with your dare-devilishness!)

Off to bed I go!!  Good night!!

Capture Your Grief Day 1: Sunrise Photo

I am not very happy with my sunrise photo but at a stop light this morning was my only opportunity to take one today as we leave our house when it is completely dark (and on weekends, we do not get up until a littler later.)  But, here it is!

Capture Your Grief 2012 Facebook page and Capture Your Grief Website explain the project - it is hosted by Carly Marie as part of October & Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. It lasts 31 days and there are different themes on each of the 31 days.  I am not sure how many days I will actually be able to participate but I will do my best to participate on as many days as possible in honor of my sweet Ethan! Missing you with all my heart & love!

IUI on Monday

My ultrasound and appointment was a bit better today!  My IUI is scheduled for Monday.  I took my last follistim injection tonight and will trigger tomorrow night! I have 2 follies on the right side and nothing on the left side. My left ovary decided to be extremely lazy this cycle!  I have been a bit hesitant to be optimistic as with both Aaron & Ethan's cycles I had 4 to 6 follies.  Due to my history, my RE tends to let me go forward with IUIs with a higher follie count.  As a result, I am cautiously optimistic!  Here's to hoping for the best but preparing myself for the next cycle!!

Monitoring U/S tomorrow

Hopefully I took my last follistim shot tonight and hopefully there will be better news at my monitoring ultrasound tomorrow.  Fingers crossed!!  I have been worried that I may have already ovulated so hopefully I have not!  I am going to bring the trigger shot with me just in case things are ready to go and my IUI could possibly be on Saturday or Sunday instead of Monday.  My RE is a solo doctor and usually does not do procedures on Sundays but maybe he would for me knowing what I have gone through.  I guess we shall see tomorrow morning.  I keep trying to remind myself that this is all out of my control and there is nothing that I can do to make my body respond differently.  I so wish I could snap my fingers three times and have a BFP without all of this intervention.

Tomorrow will be 15 weeks since our little boy was born sleeping = ( I have been feeling a little better these past few weeks as I have a sense of hope back in my life.  However, as my due date in November gets closer and closer, I find myself feeling like I am going a little backwards.  Ethan, I miss you so much!!

Off to bed as I have to get up at 5am to make it to my RE's office by 730/745.

Follie Growth Not Good & Funny Little Story

I went in for my 2nd monitoring appointment and unfortunately, it was not very good.  My follies barely grew since Friday so my dr has increased my dosage slightly and I will be going back for another ultrasound on Friday.  If everything looks ok, my IUI will most likely be on Monday. I had a feeling that things were not moving along that well as I have not felt much in terms of activity the last couple of days.  But, I had hoped that I was wrong.  My dr had said my bloodwork showed last Friday that my Estradoil was a little low but my FSH was good so he was as concerned as if my FSH had not looked good.  I really do not know what this means and I go by the less I know the better for my stress levels.  I did not get a call today so that means my bloodwork looked ok to where my follie measurements were.  I am hoping that slow growth is OK!  My RE also could not find my ovaries very well today and that has never happened before.  It was weird.  Hopefully they show themselves more easily on Friday! Fingers crossed for enough follie growth so my cycle is not cancelled!  

A little funny story today -- I was driving home and this car almost hit me.  I noticed she was on her cell phone and not thinking about having an almost 2 year old little guy / parrot in the backseat, I yell "Get off your cell phone."  The whole ride home he was repeating "Get off your phone", "Get off our phone."  I usually call my DH on our way home and now I am afraid to pick up my cell phone!  I guess my little guy teaches me another lesson that I should not be on my cell phone while driving!  

I have been a bad ICLWer!

I have been a very bad ICLWer!  I have not been able to post & comment nearly as much as I would like to --- I was away for the weekend and did not have access to a computer (and it is hard to type a post on my iphone.)  And my little guy has decided recently to push back his bedtime to 8:45pm and it does not give me much time at night to get everything done! Lots of things going on right now!

We had a wonderful weekend.  We visited with my BIL/SIL and their two children!  Aaron had so much fun and it was so neat seeing him play with his cousins.  We really did not do too much -- on Saturday went to Costco & played around the house. Aaron would not nap but his cousins both took three hour naps! Aaron was a little energizer bunny until 9pm that night!  Thankfully he slept well and on Sunday, we had breakfast and played outside for a while.  We came home around Aaron's naptime so he could sleep in the car.  We ended up going to mall closer to our house so he could run off some steam after being in the car for 2 hours and then we went to Barnes & Nobles, where Aaron loves to play with the Thomas the Train table & train set!  I could not resist and bought him a Charlie Brown Halloween book and a little ghost stuffed animal!  Have to have a little Halloween spirit.

I really really hope that Aaron will know his extended family as he gets older.  I did not have any cousins as both my parents are only children.  And 3 of my 4 grandparents passed away before I was a year old.  I am doing my absolute best to make sure that Aaron sees his cousins and grandparents as much as possible.  When we move, it will not be as easy as we will be farther away. (I do not talk about our moving process much as it is slow going right now and makes me sad to talk about it but I will once we move.  Praying it is soon!!!)  I also have one brother who has a little girl - she will be a year old at the end of October and I really feel bad that we have not met her yet!  I am not very close with my brother but would still like Aaron to meet his cousin!  Hopefully we can figure out a way in the sooner than later future.

My DH & I will be celebrating our 10th anniversary in November and I was originally thinking that we would not really get a chance to celebrate it.  I am so excited as we have asked my DH's parents to watch Aaron for a weekend and we are going to spend the weekend in Asheville, NC!  I have never been to the Biltmore Hotel and am so excited to see it!  I have heard so many great things!  (Have you ever been to Asheville or the Biltmore?!?)  We hope to in a couple of years take another trip but Aaron & TTC & moving are our priorities right now.

In TTC land, I have another ultrasound tomorrow morning to check on the progress! I should find out whether our IUI will be on Thursday or Friday.  Hard to believe I could be triggering tomorrow night!  I am actually hoping it will be on Friday or maybe even on Saturday.

I also wanted to ask if you could visit my friend Caryn and give her a hug!  She found out today sad news regarding her FET.  She has a great plan for her next FET and I will be there cheering her on!!

I should get going to bed soon (although I probably will not.  I can not seem to get to bed before 11pm these days!  Too many things on my mind.)  I have to get up early at 5am tomorrow to take my little guy to daycare early so I can get to the RE by 730/745.  The office opens up at 8am and it is first come first serve for ultrasounds (crazy I know) so if I am not there early, I will be waiting for a long time.  Hopefully I sleep OK and am not tossing & turning in fear I will sleep through my alarm.  That is never fun!

Hope this blog post finds you well!  Thank you for visiting!!

ICLW - Welcome (A little early)

I will not be able to post tomorrow (although I will still try to read & comment if I can) so I thought I would write a ICLW - Welcome post a tad bit early.

It has been a long time since I have participated in ICLW.  Welcome! I really appreciate your visit and look forward to the opportunity to meet new friends in the bloggy world!  The bloggy community is a wonderful place and is full of so much friendship/support.  I think it is incredible and I know that the support has been so helpful to me throughout the my years of infertility and most recently, the loss of our son, Ethan at 18w.

Ethan's Story & my TTC history are listed as separate tabs on my blog.  Our loss has been the hardest thing I have had to endure in my life.  We were so excited to be pregnant and so excited to have our boys be two years apart, only to learn about a week after we found out from our amnio that he was perfect that he had passed away from a cord accident.  I am so thankful for the time that I was able to spend pregnant with him and the time I was able to spend with him after delivery.  I know that he is watching over us.  I miss him so much!

My oldest son will be two in 29 days!  It is so hard to believe.  He is such an amazing little boy.  I am so lucky to be his mommy.  He is so smart & talks all.the.time at home -- he is pretty quiet around others though.  He is very active & keeps me on my toes.  He likes cars, trains and his stuff animals!!  I can not wait to give him his train table for his birthday!  It came in the mail the other day.  He is a very picky eater so eating is our biggest challenge.  He eats a lot but what he likes is so limited.  I am trying to introduce a new food each week even if he does not eat -- just so he is seeing new foods.  He does eat a little better at daycare - probably because he sees the other kids eating.  He loves going to the park or beach after work every day - we try to go for at least a 1/2 hour after I pick him up from daycare.  He is so fun & makes me laugh. I will admit that the tantrums are increasing in frequency and I am not looking forward to the terrible two's.  Although someone today told me that with her son, 3 is harder than 2.  

We just began our first Injectables / IUI cycle for TTC #3.  I am currently on CD7 with today being my 5th day of Follistim.  I go in for a monitoring u/s tomorrow.  Tomorrow will tell me if I may have to cancel our cycle or not.  I may have to go out of town next Wednesday & Thursday -- and if tomorrow shows that my IUI will be next Thursday, if I do go out of town, I will have to cancel.  I am hoping & praying that everything shows my IUI will be next Friday so that I will not have to cancel.   Fingers & toes crossed as I have been so ready, excited and terrified all at once to be starting this roller coaster again!

I am definitely terrified to be TTC again.  Terrified that we will never get to experience being pregnant again or terrified that if we do get pregnant again, that we will experience another loss.  However, we have decided that being pregnant and the possibility of having another child in our world is something we want more than anything so I am doing my best to overcome my fears & to be optimistic.  I have been pregnant 4 times from 12 treatments (5 Clomid Cycles, IVF, FET, 5 IUIs) over the last several years since 2008 -- two early losses (second beta did not go up), my first son and the loss of our dear Ethan!  I am hoping that despite being older, that my odds of getting pregnant again are good!  I know it is out of my control but I will hope & dream with all of my might!

This turned out to be longer than I expected, I am sorry!  Thank you for visiting my blog.  For those that are new, I look forward to getting to know you better = )  And for those that frequent my blog often, thank you so much for your friendship!! I can not say thank you in enough words!!!

The Big 4-0

Well, it is finally here.  I can no longer say that I am in my 30's.  I have been very anxious about today. I know 40 is the new 30 and I certainly do not feel like 19 years has past since I graduated college.  I was thinking almost 1/2 my life has been after college now.  Crazy!  Overall, it was a nice day despite having to work.  One of my co-workers brought me in dark chocolate (YUM) and my work group took me out to lunch (Mexican - YUM!) and we had dinner/cake at home after going to the park with Aaron!  He was unfortunately a little cranky (they told me at daycare he had a tough morning with crying, screaming and not listening - very unlike him at daycare so I am hoping everything is OK.)

Today has been a bittersweet day in that I am so thankful to have Aaron & my DH but have been sad all day as well as a piece of my heart is missing.   A piece that will always be missing as I miss my Ethan more than words can express.  I was asked my least favorite question these days this morning - How many children do you have?  I answered one knowing that I have two, but the question was asked by a stranger giving me a car ride from a dealership to my workplace.  I really did not want to go into details or unload on a stranger.  I did have tears in my eyes after he asked me this knowing that I have two children but one is not here with me.  I always feel like I am being disrespectful to Ethan with this answer and I get mad at myself for doing this.  I just wish others would not innocently ask this question!  But I know that he did not mean any harm - he just did not know.

I am trying to remain hopeful as tonight was my 2nd dose of follistim, but it is hard.  I am hopeful that Friday will show good progress and that we will be lucky again with a BFP very soon.  Although I know the chances are lower than previous times.  I feel myself protecting my heart from being split into pieces again.  But I hope that the BFP higher powers know that I truly want to be pregnant again, I am ready go be pregnant again and I am so ready to take care of another little person - to watch him/her grow up with Aaron  would be a dream come true.  And we could as a family remember our baby son/brother/sibling watching over us!

As I enter the decade of my 40s, I am reflecting on my life thus far.  Am I happy? Have I had a successful life thus far? Am I good mother? Am I a good wife?  Am I a good friend?  What would I like to do in the future? How can I make sure I am the best mother, wife, friend, etc that I can possibly be?  Since my job adds no value to society, what can I do to add value to society? So many questions in my head that I am feeling like a failure.  Not a good way to spend the last few minutes of my birthday.  On a happier note, I have to believe that asking myself these questions will only help me to a better person going forward.

As I think about my life, I just remember that I have so much to be thankful for.  My husband, my sons, my dog, my friends, my co-workers, having a job and having a very nice & comfortable life.  This year has been a struggle for a couple of reasons, most of all the loss of my son Ethan.  My DH, my Aaron and my Ethan - you are the loves of my life and I would not be the person I am today without you!! Love you so much!!

Sunday is the day....

I ended up going in for my baseline u/s today.  My RE's office does not answer their phones until 830. I originally thought it was 800 but realized when I called this morning it was 830. So I decided to go. I have an appointment to bring my car in for service on Monday and did not want to have go through changing that as it was not easy to schedule.  I ended up missing my 9am meeting this morning but made it to the 10am, thankfully as our CFO was at the 10am meeting.  

My RE was really nice.  He asked how I was doing emotionally and if I was ready to start again.  Although I am very scared for several reasons, I know that I am truly ready.  I was able to answer yes very confidently. I also made sure with my DH that he is ready -- and he said if I am, he is = )

My baseline was not as smooth as it normally is.  There was what my RE called "some activity" on my right ovary - he was not sure if the provera had caused me to ovulate as it has in the past (unfortunately, it is one thing that makes me ovulate but it is not good to get pregnant while on provera.)  However, I have been spotting & my lining is really thin.  My RE ended up doing labs to check on ovulation.  If the results had come back with an indication of ovulation, I would have to wait but the answer was no -- so I get to start follistim on Sunday!  WOO HOO!  I am wondering though why there was some activity - I know I have many signs of PCOS but have actually never been diagnosed with PCOS so maybe it is just part of that.  Although I have never had "some activity" like this before at the start of a cycle.  I am hoping it does not cause any issues.

So, I take 125IU of Follistim per day starting on Sunday for 5 nights and my next u/s is scheduled for Friday 9/21.  Hoping for the best but trying not get my hopes up too high.  I know that the odds are low, especially since we will most likely being using the frozen sperm sample my DH provided in August.  There is a chance that the IUI could be on Saturday the 29th, in which case my DH would be home.  Time will tell!

Thank you to everyone for the good luck wishes as we get started again!

And the rollercoaster begins!!

Ms Spot is here!  I called my drs office and they still want me to come in for a baseline tomorrow. But I got a message when I got home from work that they moved it from 8am until 9am.  (I have asked them to call me on my cell phone but they keep forgetting & call me at home where I get the message too late & can not call back that day.)  I have a meeting at 9am at work.  I could miss it but I really hate to miss it. Since Ms Full Flow AF has not arrived yet, I am hoping they will allow me to schedule my baseline on Monday instead.  I would actually prefer it to be Monday but will do what they think is best!  Being superstitious, I had my baselines with Aaron & Ethan on CD4 or 5 so I was kind of hoping my baseline would be next week.  We shall see.  I will call first thing in the morning after I drop Aaron off at daycare. 

I realized for my monitoring appointment days, I am going to have to get up at 5am. Aaron's daycare with the construction is 45 minutes from our house -- and then it is another 45 minutes to my drs office.  And he normally does 1st come 1st serve starting at 8am so I really try to get there at 7:30/7:45am so I can be the first or second one in there and can get to work as soon as possible.  It is not going to be fun especially waking my little guy up at 5:30am.  He is not going to be happy especially since he has recently moved his bedtime to 8:30/8:45 from 8:00/8:15.   It will be well worth it if we are able to have a sibling for Aaron!!

It is hard to believe in 4 or 5 days I will be injecting myself with Follistim again.  I am so nervous, but excited.  Excited for injections.  Crazy!!! 

TTC Again

As we get closer to the start of our first cycle after our loss (as I am on day 4 of provera), I have so many thoughts floating through my head about TTC again.  I am so excited to get started and have hope again.  However, I am so scared on so many levels.  I am scared that we may never get pregnant again.  I am scared that if we do get pregnant again, we may experience a loss again.  I am scared that my age is an issue.  I keep trying to remind myself that the pure blessing & miracle of possibly having another child is so absolutely amazing that I am going to find a way to get through my fears to hopefully have my dreams of another child in my arms come true.  At the same time, I am trying to mentally prepare myself for facing the possibility that it will never happen.  And that if it does not happen, we can be at peace and be a happy family of three here on Earth while honoring our little one in heaven watching over us.

Of course, my ultimate wish is that we will be a happy family of four here on Earth while honoring Ethan in heaven watching over us.  Fingers and toes and everything else crossed that my wish will come true.

As I write this, I can feel myself getting excited to start this rollercoaster again.  I know the emotions will be all over the place and I thank goodness I have a place to come to write about them.

Ethan's Story (Long). We miss you so much!

Ethan's Story.

I have been working on this for some time and actually finished a week or so ago but had not posted yet.  Today marks 11 weeks since our precious Ethan was born sleeping.  This has not been easy to write but I am glad that I have.  I am missing our Ethan so much!  My DH actually wrote a word document with Ethan's story from his perspective - this combines both of our thoughts.  I cry each & every time I read my DH's writing and every time I have read this since I have written & combined.  

On March 6th, we found out that we were officially pregnant after our first Injectables/IUI cycle in our desire to have our second child & a sibling for Aaron.  I had done HPTs since 12piui and our first beta at came in low at 42.9.  I was of course worried.  Aaron's first beta at the same time (15dpiui) was 33 but our 2nd early loss before Aaron also started as a 33.  It could go either way.  Normally my dr does a beta every 4 days but I asked for one in 2 days instead and it came back to us at 89.6.  Yeah, it doubled!!   And we had one 4 days later and it came back at 536.  Yeah, 37 hour doubling time!!   I was still nervous as it was a bit lower than what I had with Aaron.  

Our first u/s was set for 6w2d and I got a little nervous that this would be too early so I moved it to 7w but then I regretted moving it so I got it switched again to 6w4d (Friday March 23rd).  It was a good thing I did as that morning I woke up to bright red bleeding!  I for sure thought we were going to be given sad news.  Originally I was going to the appointment alone but my DH re-arranged his work schedule and went with me.  We saw one beautiful bean with a HB (do not remember the bpm) and we saw one empty sac as well.  However, the good news was short lived as the dr said the yoke sac was larger than normal and this often means something is not right genetically.    After our u/s, we tried to be excited, we googled large yoke sac and found positive stories.   But, the bleeding continued!  I called my RE that Monday and he wanted me to wait until our next scheduled u/s the following Friday, March 30th.   I was in quite a funk that whole week as the bleeding continued on & off but I made it to our appointment.  And it was better news.  The yoke sac had not gotten any larger and our little bean had grown appropriately!  Yeah!  After one more u/s on April 11th, we graduated to the OB.  I was so happy!  I could not wait to go back to my OB's office being a pregnant person!  

My first OB appointment on April 19th was a regular first appointment with a midwife -- pretty standard.  I told her about our bleeding (which had pretty much stopped by then) but she wanted to do an u/s just to make sure everything was ok.  I did not complain & we had another u/s the next day on April 20th!  I just loved seeing our bean!!  So beautiful!! I had not had a NT Scan with Aaron but since I was 2 years older, I decided to ask for one this time.  My OBs office does not do them so I made an appointment with a MFM in the area on May 7th.   Everything looked great except the nuchal fold was 2.5, which from what I understand is the higher end of normal.  The dr did not seem too concerned at my appointment but I got a call the next day that no one would like to get after they received the bloodwork results giving me a 1 in 5 chance of a chromosomal problem. This was very worrisome. We googled again to find positive stories of others given this ratio and having no issues!  Based on our drs recommendation, we decided to get an amnio done.   Yes, there are definite risks involved but after much thought on our beliefs, we decided it is what we wanted to do.   

The amnio, on May 28th, was not fun but it was not as painful as I imagined.  We saw our baby on the u/s again (loving every moment) and got to see him move & wiggle!  And our baby easily showed us that he was a BOY! We were so happy to be having another boy -- we would have been ecstatic either way but having 2 boys so close in age was amazing to us.  We were told that the initial results should be back within the next 2 days and the final results would take about a week.  Before we left too, our dr had given us another piece of worrisome news that our baby had a single artery in the umbilical cord (and normally there are two.)   As a result, they scheduled me for another anatomy scan to happen at 26 weeks to check for proper growth etc.   They were going to monitor me closely to make sure.  

I took off the next day to relax and rest after the amnio.  About noon, the genetic counselor called and gave me the best news that the initial results came back that our baby showed no chromosomal issues!!  And the following week, we received the same news from the final results.  We finally felt we could relax and enjoy being pregnant.   Our next appointment was set for June 13th.   In the meantime, we talked about names & decided we were going to share with our friends/family.  We had only told a few people prior to this as we were on pins & needles not knowing what was going to happen.  We decided on our baby boy's name fast again -- Ethan James.  I asked my DH to write an email to our families and he did on the morning of June 13th before my next routine appointment appointment.  Things had gotten busy - my DH had meant to send it earlier.  The email included pictures of Aaron in a shirt that said "I am going to be a Big Brother" and it had two trucks on it (a big one and a little one. It was so cute.)  

My appointment was at 11:30am the morning of the 13th.  It would turn out to be the worst day of my life.  I was alone as my DH was out of town for work.  While waiting, I was reading all the congratulations emails and getting nervous -- thinking about what if something is wrong and we just told everyone.  I worry about EVERYTHING.   I had not felt much movement from my bean yet so I was of course a little worried about that too but I knew I had not felt movement with Aaron until later than normal so I tried not to worry about this as well.  

I get taken back to the patient room and when the dr comes in -- he starts out with "it looks like we have nothing to worry about now that your amnio came back with such good news."  I responded with I will always worry.  And the appointment goes downhill from there.  He did an exam of my abdominal area and said that looks good for 18w, but when he goes to use the doppler, he could not find the heartbeat - he thought maybe he found it for a quick second but was not sure.  After what seemed like an eternity (and was really just a few minutes), I just knew and the tears start rolling down my eyes.   The dr tried to calm me down by saying the baby could be positioned funny as he thought he heard the HB.  He hurried out to get me scheduled for an u/s (I called my DH while he was out of the room) -- but they could not get me in for TWO hours as the u/s's are done at the hospital next door.   He told me that earlier that day, a women with out of control GD had lost her baby so he could not imagine it happening twice in one day.  He had never had that happen before.  I kept trying to believe this but again, I just knew.  

So, off I go, balling my eyes out in my car, I called my DH again and my mom.  I texted my co-worker to let her know and I posted on FB asking for prayers!  I only live 5 minutes from my drs office so I came home and tried to eat lunch & google for positive stories.  There were not many to be found.  I just knew in my heart of hearts.   My DH called me before I was to head back and tried to be positive.  He was in the process of looking for flights in case he needed to come home.   

I sat in the waiting room full of pregnant women for what seemed like another  eternity.  I texted with a friend who was trying to help me work through my nerves.  I was brought back to the u/s room and the silence was unbearable.  As soon as the tech put the wand on my belly, I knew as I did not see a HB and saw him face down not wiggling around like we had just seen 2 weeks prior and she said within a few seconds, I am so sorry!  I do not remember exactly what I did or said as I think I was in shock.  I think even though I knew, I asked "is it bad?"  I just did not want to believe it.  I think I tried to cry but no tears would come out.  But I remember said OMG, OMG, OMG!  The tech left the room to go get the radiologist.  As soon as she left, I ran to my phone to call my DH and there was no reception.  I went into the hallway and just sat on the floor, and cried as I gave my DH the news.   We could not believe it. We were devastated.  How could this happen after our amnio?   Both the tech & the radiologist came back into the room and I had to hang up - the tech had to help me get up as I had no energy.  They looked at the pictures one more time and the radiologist said "I am so sorry."  The worst words for a pregnant person to hear.   I just could not believe this was happening.   The tech called the front office, walked me back to the waiting room and the nurse was waiting for me to bring me back to patient room.  

My dr came in and I could see that he was in shock too!  He was there for me during our pregnancy with Aaron.  He knew it was not easy for us to get pregnant and what we went through up until that point with this pregnancy.  I remember him asking if I had anyone in the area to come get me and I had no one.  I knew that I had to go pick up Aaron as well.  My DH was out of town, my inlaws live several hours away, I have very few friends in the area.  I had trouble talking with all the tears flowing.  I asked him what our options were and he explained to me that I would need to deliver the baby either naturally or through an induction.  He recommended induction but suggested that I wait for my DH to get home, discuss with him the following morning and to call the office with my decision.  I knew what I wanted but decided to wait so I could talk to my DH more.  I left the office and just sat in the car.  I called my DH and we talked for a while.   And then I just sat there .... I knew I had to compose myself as I had to drive the 45 minutes to go pick up Aaron.  And I did not want to be crying in front of him and daycare.  I am not sure how I made the drive but I knew I had to stay strong for Aaron.  He is too young to truly understand.

My DH was trying to figure out how to get home as soon as he could.  I found out that he just walked out of work without telling anyone, picked up his clothes and went straight to the airport to change his flights.  In the meantime, he called his parents, who live about 4 hours away.  They dropped everything & started driving out but they could not get to Aaron's daycare in time to pick him up (plus they did not have a car seat.)   So off I went to pick up Aaron.  I continued to try to compose myself, picked up Aaron and thankfully my inlaws were at our house when I got home.  I am not sure what I did that evening but am pretty sure I was just in shock.  My DH got home about 1am.  I did not sleep much as I was just completely devastated.  

The next morning, we talked and decided to be induced.  I called my OBs office and they scheduled me to come to the hospital at 4pm.   That morning was surreal.  We had lost our baby that my DH had just announced to our families less than 24 hours earlier.  And now we were planning to say goodbye.   We had a hard time staying at home before we were to be at the hospital so while my inlaws took care of Aaron, we ran a few errands, ate at Taco Bell (yes, Taco Bell.  For some reason, I had a craving for Taco Bell) and we ate ice cream at our favorite dairy in town.  We packed our bags when we got home & headed to the hospital. 

We registered and were brought up to the maternity floor, the very same place we delivered Aaron.  Thankfully, it was empty when we arrived or I might have lost it.  Ironically, we were admitted to the same room that we used after Aaron was born and when Aaron was in the hospital with jaundice.  My DH mentioned that to the nurse and she was very sympathetic and offered to place us in a different room, but we wanted the positive memories to be with us in that room.  So we stayed.  The nurses and doctor were all fantastic as could be for the situation. Tears were shared and we felt like we were among friends.  That’s all you can hope for in that type of situation. 

We did not really have any idea what to expect.  The nurse asked a bunch of questions and went through things with us.  At about 445, the dr came in and gave me the first dose of the medication to start the induction.  She warned us that this could be a long process (up to 48 hours) as my body was truly not ready to go through delivery.  My cervix was still really high up and closed. So, we waited.  At 7pm, there was a nurse shift change so my new nurse came in & talked to us.  Both nurses so far actually remembered us from my delivery with Aaron (since it was 31 hours long, I had alot of nurses taking care of us at that time too.)  I tried to walk up & down the halls a bit but that is when I saw a very pregnant women and I had to go back into the room.  I can not remember exactly what time it was (I think around 9pm) but they gave me some ambien to help me rest that evening.  At around 3am (I think), I woke up in a lot of pain.  I have always hated using the nurse call button so I managed to get up, put on my bathrobe and walk out to the nurses station to let them know.  They immediately came in and gave me some pain meds (we had decided to first try pain meds through an IV instead of patient controlled or an epidural.  If this did not work, they would give me an epidural.  If I had gone with patient controlled, they would not be able to give me an epidural and I wanted to leave this option open just in case.)  

Fortunately/unfortunately I do not remember much until I woke up again around 530/6 when the nurse came in to check on me.  The pain meds they gave me included one that would help me forget any pain.  My DH said I was in a good amount of pain but I do not remember.  When I woke up, I asked to use the bathroom and I remember going in there & I was afraid to go because I could feel the amniotic sac bulging through me a little.  I ended up not really going out of fear of delivering our baby in the toilet.  I continued to rest and the pain started to act up again around 9am.  I asked for a new dose of meds, which they were OK with as it had been 6 hours.  Of course after they gave me the meds, I had to go to the bathroom again.  Before they let me go, they decided to put a "hat" and a towel underneath the toilet seat just in case.  It was a very good thing they did this as I ended up delivering our baby boy, Ethan at 938am while in the bathroom.  The amniotic sac had never broken and when I looked down, all I could see was his beautiful perfect little hand!  I was in shock.  The nurse who was thankfully in there with me, called for another nurse and when she got there with the dr, they helped me up and back into bed.  I could not stop crying.  I was in shock. 

Ahead of time, we had indicated that we wanted to hold him, so after a little time had passed the nurse & dr returned with Ethan swaddled in a baby blanket.  He was a perfect little boy, little hands, fingers, feet, toes, nose, and ears!  He was very tiny.  Only 4 3/8 oz and 6 ¾ inches long, but perfectly made.  He looked in perfect health.  He was so beautiful & peaceful and all I could think as the dr explained to us what had happened, is how could this happen to such a perfect little boy.  And after all we had been through up until our amnio.  The dr said that the cord was wrapped around his neck then his body and then his neck again.  It was an accident.  I could not and still have trouble believing that we lost our little boy.  

We were able to hold him (and take pictures) until the funeral director came to speak with us at 2pm, right before I was discharged.  We are so thankful for the time we were able to spend with our amazing, perfect little boy!  We know he is watching over us and he will be in our hearts FOREVER.

The following Monday we went to Funeral Home to meet with the director.  We decided to have him cremated and picked out a wooden box with a Teddy Bear on it for Ethan's remains. In the box, we included two memorial items the hospital gave to us (a little ring and a handmade heart) as well as the shirt that Aaron wore in the pictures for our announcement.  We wanted Ethan to have something from his big brother!  We planted a Lilac Tree for Ethan in our backyard.  And Ethan came home to us on that Friday, June 22nd.  

Ethan James, we love you!! we miss you!! I wish you were here with us! I will never be the same person I was without you.  I sleep with the baby blanket the hospital gave to us in your memorial box every night!  It helps me to feel safe & secure at night. 

13 years ago today....

I do not post much about my DH as I have kept this mostly as an infertility or pregnancy blog.  However, I wanted to cherish today as 13 years ago we met in person for the first time.  We actually met online through yahoo groups (before it became match.com) and wrote emails for about 6 weeks before meeting in person.  I still have all the emails but they are currently in storage.  I do need to get them out one day soon and read them.  He had a house in the area that I lived but was working in a different city at the time.  We met on a weekend he was coming home -- our first date was at a Chili's on a Saturday afternoon.  And our second date was to a baseball game the next day.  I think I *knew* that he would be the one but was scared to admit it at the time being that I was 26 at the time.  It took him a little over 2 years to propose and this coming November we will be celebrating our 10th anniversary!  I still can not believe we have been married for almost 10 years!  I am a very lucky girl to have my DH in my life.  I can not say that every day is wonderful as marriage is not easy but the good times outweigh all the other non-good times.  I can not imagine my life without him.  

Therapy Appt Update

I survived my first therapy appointment.  I am still surprised that I actually went but I did.  It was OK.  I can not say I feel any better but I am sure that it takes much more time than just one appointment.  In a certain respect, I actually feel even more sad afterwards.  It was not easy "re-living" the day we found out & the day our Ethan was born sleeping.

The therapist was VERY nice and compassionate.  She has 20+ years as a L&D nurse & therapist so this made me feel good.  When she started explaining to me her methodology of therapy in the beginning, I started crying.  Luckily she had plenty of tissues as I had forgotten mine - I think I had tears in my eyes most of the appointment.  She asked a lot of questions about my history, my pregnancy and how I have been the last 2 months since our loss.  This took up most of the appointment and then she brought out her calendar to set up the next appointment.  She was being so nice & offering me different options but none worked.  I have very little support here right now as I have no family & very few friends in the area. The only way for me to go is when my inlaws visit.  This is the only way that I was able to go this past Thursday -- my inlaws came a day early so I could go & they watched Aaron for me.  I have a friend at work that I have recently asked to be an emergency contact in the event I need help with Aaron.  However, she has never met Aaron so it is going to take some time before I could actually leave Aaron with her.  I wish I could ask someone at daycare to watch him after hours as he is comfortable with his teachers but per the handbook, that is not possible.  They could get fired and we could get kicked out of the daycare.

As a result, I feel lost.  I do not know what to do.  I can not go to the support groups in the area as they meet during the week later in the evenings.  And I can not figure out how to make therapy work.  I had the biggest headache coming out of the appointment, probably from all the tears & stress of realizing that this is probably not going to work out.  I knew this going in that it was going to be difficult to figure out how to make this work but I guess I just denied it.   

I am feeling quite lonely as well as I do not have very many IRL friends near where I live.  Most of mine live in other states-- it is not easy to make friends where I live.  I had started to make friends near where I used to work but with my current job, they are not in very close proximity anymore.  It is a bummer as they both have children Aaron's age so it was fun meeting for lunch with & without the kids!  We have tried to get together but it has not worked out well this summer. = (  One is a baby loss mommy as well as she lost her little girl at 20 weeks prior to having her little boy who is 2 weeks older than Aaron.  It is too bad we do not live closer to one another = (

I am sorry that I am feeling sorry for myself.  Still trying to figure out that "new" normal for myself.  It is not easy but I know I will figure it out!

T minus 6 days and I start provera again!  And ~ 3 weeks until hopefully our first baseline ultrasound!  Starting to TTC will hopefully give me a new light on things as I will have that hopeful feeling as part of my life again!  Hope has always helped me in the past so I am hoping it will help me here again.

Stressed

I am having trouble going to sleep. I am stressed about my therapy appointment tomorrow.  What is she going to ask? What am I going to say? Will I break down and be an emotional basket case?  What if I hate it? What if I clam up and can not talk?  So many things going through my head, I feel like my head is going to explode!  And on top of it all, all I can think about is my alarm going off in less than 6 hours & how tired I am going to be.  Ugh!

On top of that, I still have not spoken to my parents since their visit 5 weeks ago (I did talk to my dad briefly a couple of weeks ago to say thank you for pictures he sent to us) and my brother called me tonight.  I missed his call and by the time I was done with getting everything done around the house, it was too late to call him back.

My brother just visited my parents this past weekend so he is either calling me for one of two reasons - both will cause me emotional stress.  He is either calling to talk about what is going on with me & my parents (as I am sure my parents told them how horrible I was being to them) or he is calling me to tell me he & his wife are expecting again.  I know they said they were not planning to have any more children after my niece was born last October, but my head is letting me think that another ooooops could definitely happen. (I will add that I love my niece - she is beautiful and loved by my SIL & Brother but still, why does everything come so easily to my brother and so hard for me.)   I am thinking it is the first but I am so nervous it is the second.  It would be so unfair and the second would actually be harder to work through emotionally than the first.  I know in the end if they are pregnant again, that I will love him/her like I do my niece.  But it would be hard to know that he/she was not planned -- when my DH & I have planned for a long time to add to our family and it has been a difficult road for us.  

I need to try go to bed!  I wish my head were not swirling with all of these thoughts.  Thank you for letting me vent.

Two months - Missing you very much!

Tomorrow will be two months since our baby boy was born sleeping.  Yesterday was two months since we found out our little boy had passed away.  And this morning at work, I was in tears thinking about everything.  The emotions of this time in June came flooding back to me in an overwhelming way and I could not help but break down.  Thankfully no one came into my office during that time so I was able to cry alone!  Although I thought about going home, I was able to pull myself together to focus on work & not think about things too much the rest of the day. Thankfully work is busy right now too.  I find it more difficult when I have too much time to think about things.

I will never be the same person I was before we found out.  I am missing a piece of my heart.  The sadness is a constant feeling so I am trying to learn to live with this.  I am finding even in the midst of being sad, Aaron & Ethan together have made me want to be a better person. I am trying to figure out to do this.  I do know that I will do my best never to take anything for granted again.  I did not take my pregnancy for granted by any means as I was over the moon happy (but nervous) - however I realized I truly did not understand loss before.  This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life and it has taught me to be in the moment more often & appreciate what I have so much more than before.  I always knew I was blessed for what I have but did not stop enough to really think about and express it.   Another thing is that I stop and think before complaining about things.  I find myself annoyed with people who complain too much about certain things.  It is one of my more recent pet peeves.  I have learned that complaining can be very hurtful and I do not want to ever do that to someone.  I feel bad that before our loss I did not think about this enough.

To my beautiful Ethan, I miss you & I love you!  Although I am so sad each & every day, you & your brother Aaron together have taught me so much and I am very thankful for this.

To my adorable Aaron, I am so blessed to see your smile & cuteness each & every day!  My favorite times of the day are waking you up in the mornings & spending time with you before daycare and then picking you up at daycare to see your smile & spending even more time with you before bedtime!  I used to be a work-aholic but now I find myself so excited to leave work so that I can see your smile.

I should have been in bed a long time ago - off to bed I go!

K @ Our Growing Gardunn

I am sorry it is not a clicky link as i am on my phone but I wanted to see if you could visit K at Our Growing Gardunn to provide support and hugs as she is going through a heartbreaking 4th loss.  I am so sad for K.  I wish I could do more to help.  My heart goes out to K and her family.  Thinking of you.

Link is:  http://kourgrowinggardunn.blogspot.com/2012/08/few-words.html?m=1

New Baby Loss Support Community: Surviving River

I have not had much time to blog or search the internet the last few days as I have really ramped up my job search lately so I have been spending a lot of time updating my resume and looking for jobs this past week.  I really want to find a new job so I can move!

I did want to give a supporting post to a new baby loss support community that was launched on 8/4/12 - Surviving River at http://survivingriver.me.  I have unfortunately not had as much time as I would like to browse, post & support (for which I apologize) but I admire Erin so much for launching this site in honor of her daughter.  Erin is doing so much for our community by launching such a support group & community.   Thank you so much for providing this.  Loss is devastating and it is so nice to have a safe & comforting environment to be a part of.

Missing my sweet angel for 7 weeks

It has been seven weeks since we learned our angel passed away! There has not been a day where I have not shed tears and keep wishing that this was a bad dream that I would wake up from.  Wednesdays are difficult in that I keep thinking I should be X weeks along.  I should be 25 weeks along this week.  I should be going to my next anatomy scan next Tuesday.  Unfortunately, it is not a bad dream.   My body & heart ache. I miss my Ethan so much!

I love my oldest son, Aaron, more than words can say.  He is my sunshine during this difficult time.  I do feel bad as at certain times, I look at him and get this overwhelming feeling of sadness.  It does not happen every day but tonight before bedtime, we were watching Elmo Singing with the Stars and I took one look at him and could not help but think about everything I am going to miss with Ethan.  I have so much enjoyed watching Aaron learn & grow over the last 22 months and I am so sad that I will not get to see Ethan do the same. It makes my heart break into a million pieces over and over again.  I hope that Aaron knows that despite my sadness, I am doing my best to pick up the pieces and be the best mommy I can possibly be.  I tell him at every chance I can how much I love him.  

I have found peace every night watering his Lilac tree.  I "talk" to him every night. I have also recently this past week gotten Aaron involved and he helps me to water Ethan's tree (Enan's tree).  It is important to me that Aaron knows Ethan as much as he can and when he gets older, we will explain to him that Ethan is in heaven.  

Aaron & Ethan, I love you so much!!