BFN Official: AF is here = ( / Oct 15th

BFN is official. AF showed her ugly face in the middle of the night - and she is being extra mean today too.  I have been beyond sad today but have tried to hold it together for my little guy.  Thankfully, my DH was home and took my little guy out for a little while this afternoon so I could have some time to myself.  I knew the chances were low that we would get lucky on our first try again but I think what hurts the most is that it is more real than ever that we may not be able to add to our family...all the day before Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance day and a month away from when my due date should be.

My head feels like there is a ping pong inside of it right now. I know I sound like I am crazy when I say that.  One side of me feels incredibly blessed for what I have (my DS1, my DH, my health, a comfortable life, and much more) and the other side wants to swear at the world for taking my DS2 away from me too early.  It has crushed my dreams of having two children close in age.  It may crush my dreams of even having more than one child.  I do not even have enough words to really say how much it hurts!  I love my little guy more than anything in this world but am so sad I may never be able to give him a sibling.  I will hopefully find out tomorrow if we can cycle before we move.  I pray we can.  I long for more hope!!

Not only is October 15th 4 months since we lost our baby Ethan, but it is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I am going to a ceremony at my local hospital tomorrow (my OBs office called on Friday to invite me) and will be thinking of all of the babies we have lost and wanted to ask if you might say a prayer or light a candle for our babies at 7pm.  My thoughts & prayers go out to all of the Baby Loss Mommies in our community.