The question What If has been going through my mind a lot lately with regards to What If I am never able to get pregnant again or what if I do get pregnant again & we have another loss? What will I do? How will I be? How will I get through the sadness? I feel so guilty thinking many of these thoughts as I know that I am absolutely BLESSED beyond words to have my husband, my son and our angel in my life. My husband is amazing and my son is a miracle. And my angel is beautiful & perfect. I love them with all my heart! Unfortunately, with lots of guilt, there is a BUT in that I want to add to our family. I want to be pregnant again. I want to have another child to see grow & play with Aaron. I want another child to remember & honor our Ethan with. The guilt is sometimes overwhelming. Am I asking too much?
I was thinking back today to almost three years ago in November 2009, when our third IUI/Injectables cycle failed and we were forced to take a break as my RE would not be doing cycles around Christmas time - and that is when our IUI would have most likely happened. I remember being bummed out and happy at the same time. And then the bummed out-ness seeped through the happiness as the month went on and the feeling of hope seemed a far distance away. I remember asking What if I never have children? I feel in a similar space right now. I think a lot of what I am feeling right now is a lack of hope. I have no idea when/if we will be able to do treatments again. I have a consultation with a new RE in two weeks but have no idea what he will say and if I will like him. I have no idea if my new job will be open to be missing time from work for infertility treatments. I know that is a lot to ask especially being new. I am not sure based on what options we decide we have if we can even afford treatments. I hope we can so that we can figure out a path to continue our dream of adding to our family. I am so anxious to hear what a new RE has to say! Praying we can figure this out!!
Three years ago when the hope faded away, the new year then came about, new hope sprang up in the air and our next cycle was the one where we conceived Aaron. I am trying with all my might to pray that we will be lucky to have the same happen to us in 2013 if/when we are able to cycle again! I guess only time will tell and in the meantime, I will do my best to enjoy our time away from TTC, get settled in our new location and marvel in the amazing things that my son is doing right now!
Hope to me is everything right now and without it, I am feeling quite sad. Guilt & sadness all mixed in. I hope that I can feel that feeling of hope again! And if it is not in the cards for us, I truly hope that I can figure out a way to come to terms with it. I know I have a truly amazing family -- I am just not ready to give up the idea of adding to it. Hopefully I will not have to give up the idea!
Have you experienced similar feelings?
Absolutely. My situation is different, but my last post is on this. I am so so so lucky to have E, but I want more!!
ReplyDeleteGosh I can really relate to this post. I will keep trying until financially we can't anymore. I know it is to late for the whole "giving my daughter a sibling" since she is 15 already.
ReplyDeleteI hope the new RE will get you good answers and you will have a new plan in the making in no time. Having a plan always helped me with coping. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI've had those same thoughts so many times. I do hope that 2013 is YOUR year. Love and Hugs!
ReplyDeleteWith all the changes going on in your life I think anyone would feel anxious and uncertain. Throw in good ol' IF and it's no wonder your struggling to hang on to hope. Hopefully you'll have a much better picture after meeting with your new RE! Thinking of you and sending lots of PTs =)
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely I have felt all of it! I hope our dreams are answered...
ReplyDelete((((hugs)))))
ReplyDeleteIn my bible study 2 weeks ago we were discussing anguish and joy coexisting. I think this may be what you describe somewhat but it went on to say that during a time of anguish often there is a bith. You can take this literally or not but we have seen this happen in our lives, friends lives and I hope it will happen for you. And I hope it is in the literal sense. I wish you all the best and hope you get pregnant with THB very soon!
ReplyDeleteKitty