Remembering our Last Vacation

I am feeling very anxious again today - I had actually felt some sense of calm during the week. I was so happy for the weekend to be here after a long work week but the weekend could not be going any slower. I feel like Tuesday is still an eternity away and I have had too much time this weekend to convince myself something bad is going to happen and I am never going to have that happy moment I have dreamed of (I of course pray that I am very wrong). I hate myself for feeling this way still as I wish I could just enjoy and let the anxious-ness go. I have never been able to feel calm when faced with uncertainty. In my efforts to try to think positively and feel a little happier, I brought up some of our pictures from our vacation in Hawaii in 2007. It has helped to remember the fun time we had and also remember back to a time when TTC and infertility were still not yet on the forefront of every thought and decision.

Leslie-ology

I saw this on Sweet Pea's website and thought it would be fun to pass on!

Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You're tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followedy by "ology."

FOODOLOGY:

What is your salad dressing of choice? Balsamic

What is your favorite sit-down restuarant? This is a tough one as there are so many good ones but Cherry Blossom was our favorite sushi restaurant when we lived in Detroit.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Qdoba

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Sushi

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Mushrooms and Pepperoni

How many televisions are in your house? Three.

What color cell phone do you have? Metallic Blue


BIOLOGY:

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Teeth, Mole/Cyst on my back

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Yes

Have you ever fainted? Yes...mostly when I was younger though.

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Not in a million years!

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? My name works for me.

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? One

Last person you talked to? My Dad


FAVORITOLOGY:

Season? Summer for the warmth and Fall for the colors

Holiday? Christmas.

Day of the week? Saturdays.

Month? September

Color? Red

Drink? Diet Coke

Alcoholic? Sparkling Wine

CURRENTOLOGY:

Missing someone? No one at the moment

What are you listening to? the TV.

What are you watching? Keeping up with the Kardashians & the Olympics.

Worrying about? My u/s on Tuesday

What's the last movie you saw? Star Trek

Do you smile often? I try but I think my anxiety lately has made it a less common event.

If you could change your eye color what would it be? Would not change my brown eyes.

What's on your wish list for your birthday? A healthy pregnancy.

Can you do a chin-up? Today no but when I was a competitive swimmer way back when I could.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Definitely both.

Have you been in a car wreck? Yes.

Have you caused a car wreck? Indirectly - I hesitated at a stop sign and was rear-ended.

Do you have an accent? Do not have one that I know of. I grew up in CT and live in MI.

Last time you cried? Last night

Plans tonight? Not sure. Maybe going out to dinner but waiting for DH to get home.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? I do not think so although I have had some rough times.

Name three things you bought yesterday? A salad, acupuncture therapy and gas for my car.

Have you met someone who changed your life? my DH.

For the better or worse? Better, Better and Better

How did you bring in the New Year? with DH at home.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes.

What songs do you sing in the shower? None.

Have you held hands with someone today? Nope.

Who was the last person you took a picture of? well not a person, but my dog!

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Old. I do not know many people where I live. I worked too much the first few years of living here and have not made many friends unfortunately. My DH started a new job last year and he is meeting more people so hopefully that will help us make more friendds.

Do you like pulpy orange juice? Lots of pulp.

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? I can not remember.. it has been a long time.

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? Sleeping

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Prayed my little bean is doing OK and that my u/s on Tuesday will go well.

Yeah for the Weekend and Travel Thoughts

Although I do not have any specific plans, I am so glad it is the weekend. Unfortunately I have some work to do but I am in denial about that at the moment. I never thought this week would end - I had to give a presentation this morning and I hate presenting in front of groups. Thankfully, the presentation went pretty well with some good interaction. It is a nice feeling to have it over with.

DH & my BIL are going to a beer festival tomorrow (outside in the freezing cold - not sure why they have this in February each year but they do) so I look forward to just being able to relax at home. Hopefully this will calm my nervous --- 3 1/2 more days to go until my ultrasound. I am still pretty anxious and I think driving my husband crazy. I can tell I am nervous as I have a twitch in my eye. I hope Tuesday will help resolve the twitch!

On another note, DH & I have started to talk about possibly going on a vacation sometime this year if we are able to. If everything progesses well, I have heard it is OK to travel during the 2nd trimester. I would of course make sure before finalizing reservations. We have one plane ticket outstanding from a cruise we had to cancel last year when DH lost his job. We have thought about a) renting a beach house in SC a couple of hours from where my parents live b) Puerto Rico and b) Play Del Carmen Mexico. I will keep thinking of other places. Any suggestions? I would prefer a vacation that is very relaxing..... and where there is a nearby spa!!

I also wanted to apologize for not being the best ICLWer this week. Thank you for your wonderful thoughts & support to my post from Monday!! It has helped more than I can say in words!!!

A Broken Record...

I know I sound like a broken record that keeps playing over and over. So, in my pure paranoia, I keep POAS and thankfully, I am finding that the 2nd lines come up fast and are as dark (ept from Sunday) or darker (frer from tonight) than the control line. I tried to attach pictures and of course they are blurry. You would think this would calm my nerves. Every moment I start getting calm, I feel a twinge that makes me nervous or I feel like symptoms go away or I feel really "wet" down there & run to the bathroom to make sure everything is OK. What is wrong with me? I know I should be patient. I want to make my DH proud of me that I can be patient. He already has everything set to take the morning of the 2nd off. He keeps telling me to be positive. I am trying. I swear I am. I have made it through one week. I can make it through another! I just have to keep telling myself this. I have to believe in myself like the little train that could! I have to play this over and over in my head whenever I get a negative thought. No more negative thoughts allowed!!!

Happy ICLW!

I realized that I did not put together an official happy ICLW and welcome post! This is my 2nd month participating. I had a lot of fun last month and have enjoyed becoming more involved in the world of blogging over the last month! The support is absolutely amazing. I look so foward to getting to know more about y'all. I have always enjoyed learning about others and meeting new friends.

My history is on the side of my blog so I will not bore you with that. I look forward to cheering y'all on during your journeys and hopefully I can provide the same support that I have seen.

Unfortunately, it was a boring day at work today so I do not have anything exciting to report on. Just counting down the days until next Tuesday.....May the next week go by with lightening speed!

Why am I so scared?

I have this overwhelming feeling of being scared this weekend. I do not know why as I really have no specific reason to be scared. I am so scared something is going to pull the rug from underneath me so to speak. I so want to enjoy that I am finally pregnant after all of these years and treatments. I am so incredibly thankful to be where I am at and I have dreamed of this time for sooooo long but for some reason, I am letting fear control me and I do not know how to let this it go. I hate myself for feeling this way as I so want to not feel this way. I know I have to let this fear go. How, I keep asking myself!

I am sorry this is not a very happy post to start ICLW week off!! Hopefully I will snap out of my fog of fear soon!

Happy ICLW week! I look forward to getting to know the friends I have met over the last couple of months since I started blogging and to meeting new friends as well!!

Beta #3

Originally I was not going to get another beta but the worrier in me asked for another one today. I was in tears yesterday morning with worry so I decided to call the drs office to get another beta done. It went from a 195 on Monday to 1387 today = )! It was a panicky day as I did actually get the results until 2pm and usually I hear by 11am. I actually called the drs office at 2pm to check in and the women who answered the phone (I did not recognize) said that the dr would call me back later in the afternoon. I was like oh no, must be bad news and thankfully, a nurse was available to review the labs with me. She said she was just about to try to call me so it was good timing. I was nervous calling as I hate to be a pain but by 2pm, my nerves were kicking into high gear.

I also had my thyroid levels checked this morning and everything looks good there too.

I know there is still a long way to go but I feel a little more comfortable now with the wait until my u/s on the 2nd. The symptoms are coming & going (which I hear is normal) but it had me worried.... I am glad I went in for another beta. Now, 11 more days to go!

Beta #2 - Better News!

I want to say thank you to everyone for your absolutely wonderful support and encouragement. I am not sure how I would get through this with y'all!!

I am happy to report that my beta went up from 33 on Thursday to 195 today, a doubling time of 37.5 hours. I think the actual number is still on the low side for 19dpiui but the doubling time is good from what I understand. The drs office said it was a nice rise. I am still of course quite cautious as the number itself is low-ish.

Drs office said no more betas and I am scheduled for my 1st u/s on March 2nd. Another two weeks for me to go crazy. I was tempted to ask for another beta but thought it might actually cause me more worry so I did not. Hopefully I will get through the next week in one piece.

Thank you again!!

I can not wait until tomorrow.

I have done pretty good so far at staying calm and collected the past couple of days. I have had one little bout of tears on Friday at lunch but DH told me I needed to stay positive. I promise I am trying with all of my might. It is just so hard not knowing. I think that is the hardest part for me. I did decide to POAS this morning (with SMU as I had to wake up earlier to go and did not want to wake up my DH). All I had was an internet hpt and above are the results. The camera on my phone is horrible so it is quite blurry.

I can not wait to just know one way or the other. Hopefully I can get through today in one piece knowing that I will know either way in about 24 hours.

I am off to pick up my DH and my dog from their Sunday walk. And then DH & I are going to make breakfast together. Smoked Salmon, Bagels & Eggs! Yummy!!!

Rollercoaster continues. Low Beta.

Thank you so much to everyone for your beta wishes, positive thoughts and support. I am so thankful and feel very lucky. I wish I had better news to share. My beta level at 15dpiui came back at only 33. I am trying to keep in my mind that there is still a slight chance this could work but I know that the liklihood is not very good, especially with my past history of low first betas not rising. I am trying to keep myself grounded and realistic. My next beta is unfortunately not until Monday, which I am surprisingly OK with (at the moment, although I may be regretting being OK with it this weekend). I did tell my DH that we need to keep very busy this weekend to help keep my mind off of things.

So, my rollercoaster ride continues for a little longer. And just hope I can keep negative thoughts from taking over my brain the next few days.

Thank you again!!!

RollerCoaster 14dpiui Evening Digital - Pregnant

I think this is going to be another rollercoaster. I got home tonight and thought why not just POAS one more time. It will be negative like this morning! Well, digital now says PREGNANT and an EPT is very faint. I do not have any more FRERs to try either. I have a feeling my beta is going to be pretty low tomorrow and I just *pray* this is not another chem pg like the last two times. I am praying that maybe I just have a late implanter and a fighter in there. I did feel really light headed this morning so I just hope & pray that maybe this time is different than the last. I am still continuing to hope for the best but prepare myself for the worst. I have to remain realistic.

Thank you so much for ALL the support! It means so much to me!!

14dpiui - Digital Not Pregnant

I tested this morning at the lovely hour of 4am because I could not sleep. And the lovely digital read Not Pregnant! I think even with the possible faint line I knew in the back of my mind that this might be the case - which has made the blow a little softer but I must admit that it still hurts. I am h&p that AF shows today so I do not have to go in for a beta tomorrow to hear a BFN from the dr too. This definitely suks! Why do HPTs and my body have to play games like this?!? Ugh!

It looks like we will be investigating going back to IVF again. I was so hoping that we would not have to but I guess it is out of my control. I wish I could stay home from work today and sleep all day!

I chickened out today. No POAS!

Thank you everyone for your wonderful support with the faint line! I am glad that I was not crazy in seeing it too. I chickened out this morning though and did not POAS. I went to the bathroom like 1000s times today to check if AF had arrived. So far, no AF today but we shall see what happens overnight and tomorrow! I am sure if AF does not show overnight, I am sure I will be heading to the bathroom 1000 more times tomorrow! If AF does not show, I most likely will POAS tomorrow unless I chicken out again. Here's to hoping for the best but preparing for the worst! Please give me the strength to get through the next 1 1/2 days! I keep telling myself to breathe and it is out of my control! I can just continue to pray!

12DPIUI = BFN Times 2

Well, I POAS again this morning with a FRER and it was what I will call a BFN. There could be a very, very faint line although I think I am just trying to will it to be true. I tried to take a picture but the phone on my camera is not very good. You can see though that I am crazy and imagining things. I took another HPT when I got home from work (EPT) and it was clearly a BFN. I will not spare any more time with BFN pictures as they are depressing = (.

I was crazy irritable at work again today. Have I said stupid hormones?!?!

And I have no more FRERs in the house to continue this obsession if AF does not show tonight. I have 2 more EPTs and 2 digitals. And we are supposed to get a big snow storm tomorrow. Not fun!

At least 24 and the Bachelor are on tonight. Which one will I watch tonight and which one will we watch on TIVO tomorrow?!? Decisions, Decisions!

11dpiui = BFN

Well, I caved and tested. Big Ole BFN! One bright line staring me in the face! I can not say that I am too surprised as I am not feeling it but I hoped maybe I was wrong. I now am trying to prepare myself for what is to come next. Hope AF will show quickly so I can make the STBY call and get going with my questions on moving back to IVF #2. I think 4 IUI/ Inject cycles is enough time spent on IUIs. The meds are expensive and I would rather put the $ towards something with a greater chance. And to top it all off, my 3 year mark is here = ( I guess there is not much I can do but look forward and hope that my day will soon be here! I wish I did not have work to do today - I just want to curl up in a ball and do NOTHING! This stinks!! Infertility stinks! And I need to start exercising again this week -- I gained 3 pounds just this cycle. Did I say Infertility stinks? I am off to work and sulk -- what a great work product I should come up with! LOL!

Added: I think AF is on her way. I am finding myself very irritable. After a 1 1/2 hour nap as I am exhausted, I just snapped at my mom on the phone. She is trying to plan a trip to visit and I told her several week ago that Mar/Apr might not be good because of DH's job. She has asked me a zillion times if that has changed! I have asked my DH but he can not give me answer. As a result, I JUST DO NOT KNOW!!!!! I feel bad as my mom is looking to come visit but is it difficult to plan something not in Mar/Apr. I told her that if she can not come until the fall, I understand. She was pushing me and I just let it all come out! Stupid Hormones!

Where did the Calm Feeling go?

I had been so calm this past week and now for some reason this evening I am a ball of nerves. I was so busy this week that I did not have time to think about it and now that it is Friday night, I suddenly do. I was so tired earlier tonight that I crashed on the couch watching TV and now I can not sleep. I tried but I just laid there thinking about POAS & What-if scenarios? So I thought I would come write and see if that helped. Although looking at the computer screen is probably not good for someone wanting to go to sleep. How do I keep busy this weekend so I can distract myself and be calm again? I liked feelling calm for once. I guess I just have to take it day by day and keep away from the HPTs as long as possible. I know they are bad but they are already starting to talk to me and telling me to POAS. Tomorrow is 10dpiui and I know it is too early. I know that I am going to go on a Costco Shopping trip tomorrow (Yeah, I love Costco) -- there is a mall near by so maybe I will go shopping and walk around the mall even though it will be filled with parents and kids. I do want to find my DH something small for Valentine's Day. I just need to keep busy, busy, busy! I do have a lot of work to do and will be doing that on Sunday. We may go to a Superbowl Party too. And I have to fit in my taxes and we are still trying to finish up a will. And I need to take my car in for an oil change and car wash. Hopefully all of this will help keep me distracted and reminded of the fact that I should not POAS too early.

OK, I am on my way to try to go to sleep again!! Good Night!

Beautiful Blogger Award

Thank you very much to AnxiousMummy
for this award that she gave to me yesterday (I am sorry I did not post right away).

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:
* Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
* Copy the award and place it in your blog.
* Link the person who nominated you for this award.
* Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
* Nominate 7 bloggers.
* Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

Oooo.. this will be tough as I am quite boring, but I will try. 7 interesting things about me:

* I love to travel. I traveled around Europe for one month after college - two weeks with friends and two weeks by myself. DH & I also love to cruise.

* My DH and I are addicted to the show 24. We love Jack Bauer!! And Renee Walker is quite the action packed person this season!

* I am a huge Neil Diamond fan. I have seen him in concert 5 times -- I even traveled from MI to CA to see him in concert. I hope he has a tour again very soon!

* I was at the Paul Simon concert in Central Park in the early 90s along with almost 1 million other people = )

* DH & I met online but happened to work for the same company at the time. Our first time meeting was a lunch date at Chilis. We have known one another for over 10years and married for almost 7 1/2 years.

* I love broadway musicals. We just saw Dreamgirls in Chicago this past weekend. We saw Jersey Boys last year. One of our favorites is Mamma Mia!!

* I enjoy scrapbooking but have not made much time to do so lately. I need to finish an album I am making for my mom.

7 Bloggers I nominate (the links are not working?!? How do I get them to work?!?) :

Kelly (The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow) -

Baby on Mind -

Katie (From IF to When) -

Elizabeth (Where the Wright Day Takes you) -

Subfertile Frugalista -

Kim (The A.R.T of Baby Making) -

A (Remember All The Way) -

Thank you again AnxiousMummy

6dpiui and Fairly Calm

Work has been very crazy and with being out of town this past weekend, I have not had much time to post / read blogs. I have a lot of catching up to do. Today is 6dpiui and I am fairly calm (much calmer than 1dpiui actually) considering there is one more week to go. I realize that I do have a plan if this does not work and that helps me. We will look to go back to IVF unless our RE has a better idea. I talked to my DH about getting a 2nd opinion and we decided we would try one more IVF with our current RE as we like him a lot and if that did not work, we would go for another opinion. Of course, I hope & pray with all my might that this is not needed and IVF is not needed! If I get my BFP this month, it would make for the best Valentine's Day!! Hopefully the next week will go by fast! I am thinking I will know by Monday/Tuesday next week even though my beta is not scheduled until Thursday as I usually start spotting 12 or 13 dpiui. My biggest dream is for AFSA and a sticky bean!! Hopefully my dreams will come true in another week = )