Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day 2012. It is really hard to believe that this holiday has already passed and Christmas is less than 5 weeks away. This year has been a combination of wonderful & tragic times, which brings me to the question of whether it is possible to be thankful & sad at the same time? Why do I feel guilty being sad when I truly know how much I have to be thankful for?
I have so much to be thankful for: my DH, my son here on earth with me, my son in heaven and not here with me, my dog, my health, a roof over my head, clothes, food, a job (albeit a new boring one), friends, family (despite my soured relationship with my parents - another post for a future date) and much, much more!!
I wanted to say how thankful I am for all of your support & friendship from everyone in the bloggy world, especially last week as I managed through the pain & sadness of my should be due date! Thank you so much!
However, over all of my thankfulness is a cloud of sadness for the loss of our precious son this year, the loss of our dream of having 2 sons 2 years apart and the continued stress of infertility - which makes our dream of adding to our family very difficult. It is even a possibility this may never happen (which is a future post on how I will come to terms with this if this happens; praying it does not and we will be pregnant in the near future.) I know there will be sadness for the rest of my life. Just have to find a way to balance the sadness with the thankfulness so that I can lead a healthy life for both myself and my family.
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In other news, my new job is more boring than I could have ever imagined! I am not sure why they even hired me as there is not enough work to go around. There is one person leaving our group this week and she just started a few months ago. I think she is bored out of her mind & is leaving with no job to be a stay at home mom until she can find a better job. Even with her going, I am not sure there will be enough work. My new manager has told me it will get busier but I am just not seeing it yet. I hope & pray he is right. In the meantime, I am going to be updating my resume again and looking for a new job!!
Regarding TTC, I am in a holding pattern until AF decides to show! Today is Day 4 of provera. As soon as AF decides to show, we will go in for CD2 or 3 bloodwork and a baseline u/s! Come on AF, please come sooner than later!! I am ready to get this show on the road!!!
Crossing my fingers that you find a new job and that AF comes soon! Lots of love <3
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you my friend. The holidays must bring out similar feelings amongst those who have experienced loss. Here's to hoping that next year we have more to feel thankful for!
ReplyDeleteIt is totally possible to be thankful and sad at the same time... especially with AF on the brink ;-) Hope your job gets better or you find a new one. Wishing you tons of luck on your monitoring and upcoming cycle!!!
ReplyDeleteI know well this guilt because I feel sad, when I have so much to be thankful for. But really, I think there is nothing to feel guilty about -- it's okay to feel both happy and sad at once. Indeed, I think it is inevitable when you have one child but are grieving another. I hope you can give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel and know that it's not wrong. And I do hope the job improves quickly and AF is just around the corner! Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteNothing really prepares you for the feeling of being sad and happy/thankful at the same time. It's a weird feeling, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI hope CD1 comes soon and then doesn't come again for another 9 months.
Aw no, that sinking feeling when you start a new job and realise it's not what you wanted after all. Hope it does come out right in the end, I always think it looks bad if you start trying to move straight away. And I hope you enjoyed Thanksgiving.
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