I have my first consult with a new RE tomorrow morning. I am incredibly nervous. I was doing more research and found out that my new insurance (through my DH until mine takes effect next March) does not cover fertility at all. My old insurance at least covered labs, appts and u/s. I am not sure what we will do. I probably should be waiting on the RE consult until next year with the deductibles and everything. Unfortunately, it is too late as the appointment is in less than 24 hours. I have to admit that I just want to know what another dr thinks our options are so that I can begin to try to determine the costs & we can figure out what we can afford. And also, with our ages, we know time is not on our side. Problem is right now we have a house that will not sell. I start my new job on Monday but unfortunately it does not pay quite as well as my old job. I took this job to get us back together as a family, which in the end, is the most important thing.
I did talk to my DH tonight and adding to our family is something that he really wants too. Unfortunately he is not able to come with my to the appointment (last minute work meetings). He reassured me that he believes that we can afford IUI/Injects - and he reminded me not to get too far ahead (ie thinking about IVF - when IUI has worked for us & IVF did not.) I tend to think 10 steps ahead and get much more stressed over things so it is nice to have has my DH's even level thinking to help me! My DH reassured me that going to the appointment tomorrow is a good thing as our time is limited (with us both being 40.) He believes that we should not wait. It will depend on the hours of the office as this will not be easy with starting a new job. Ugh! Why can't this be easier?
Any which way tomorrow goes, I am struggling a lot with the feeling of being sad that we may not be able to have more children. Even if we can afford IUI/Injects, there is a chance that it may never work again. I feel guilty for my sadness - I remind myself every day how much I do have as my little boy is amazing but the sadness is always there. Is this horrible of me? Sadness for what we are missing, sadness for not being able to give my son a sibling, sadness for the loss of our dreams. And much of my recent sadness is related to the fact that my "should be" due date is in a week. I know several women who are also due over the next month and as happy as I am for them to have their babies in their arms, I am sad that I do not get to hold my Ethan in my arms and see him grow/play with my little guy. I keep asking the never ending question of Why? I know this question will never be answered = ( I just keep reminding myself that I can not miss out on my little guy growing up by being encompassed by my sadness. My angel would not want me to do that. I truly believe that. So many conflicting feelings and I have a feeling I will feel this for the rest of my life.
I am hoping that tomorrow will bring a little more hope than I have had today / tonight! I am hoping that I can delay my coming to terms about the real possibility we may not be able to add to our family. I just am not ready to do this. I truly hope that the new RE is easy and nice to work with -- and that he has hope too that our chances are decent (at least for our ages.)
Now that the election results are in, it is time for bed! Good night!
((((HUGS)))) I have just semi caught up, Happy Birthday Aaron!! Woah to moving this weekend and all the TTC uncertainties! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for the days and weeks ahead as you all adjust to your new area and life!
ReplyDeleteYour sadness is so understandable. As someone who has one child already but desperately wants to expand our little family, I am constantly trying to balance the regret, worry, and disappointment I feel with the constant gratitude I have for the one child that is mine. You have every right to feel the way you do. I think it's unavoidable. Few of us want only one child and when you are faced with the possibility of all your plans and dreams for the future not coming true...it is hard to come to terms with that. But I'm really, really hoping for you that you don't have to. Don't give up hope yet. There is always possibility.
ReplyDeleteAnd wishing you luck and success with your RE tomorrow, and peace as you face your due date. My due date would have been next month and my heart is growing heavier as the day draws near. I'm so sorry you don't have your Ethan to hold, but I hope you can find the perfect way to honor and remember him on the day in which he should have been born. ~ hugs ~
Yay, a new perspective! It doesn't make you selfish to want a bigger family. Having a wonderful child like Aaron gives you a specific insight into what you miss by not having that next child. It's heartbreaking in a way that's different than when you wait for #1. I hope tomorrow goes well!
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to be sad. It is never a happy thing to contemplate the death of a dream. Your dream of another sibling for Aaron deserves as much mourning as Ethan does if it never comes to fruition.
ReplyDeleteI hope that your visit goes well and gives you some hope on upcoming treatments. You have alot going on right now, new job, move, new RE, trying to sell a house and also taking care of your little one. Try to take a deep breath and move forward with the information you are given today.
ReplyDeletePlease try to give yourself space and permission to be sad. It's the only way you will truly heal. It's normal and nothing to be ashamed of. I am like you and am always thinking 10 steps ahead...every time I catch myself I try to focus on just the next step. My grandma always said something that I repeat to myself often, "I worried about a lot of things in my life, most of which never happened" =)
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