I love my oldest son, Aaron, more than words can say. He is my sunshine during this difficult time. I do feel bad as at certain times, I look at him and get this overwhelming feeling of sadness. It does not happen every day but tonight before bedtime, we were watching Elmo Singing with the Stars and I took one look at him and could not help but think about everything I am going to miss with Ethan. I have so much enjoyed watching Aaron learn & grow over the last 22 months and I am so sad that I will not get to see Ethan do the same. It makes my heart break into a million pieces over and over again. I hope that Aaron knows that despite my sadness, I am doing my best to pick up the pieces and be the best mommy I can possibly be. I tell him at every chance I can how much I love him.
I have found peace every night watering his Lilac tree. I "talk" to him every night. I have also recently this past week gotten Aaron involved and he helps me to water Ethan's tree (Enan's tree). It is important to me that Aaron knows Ethan as much as he can and when he gets older, we will explain to him that Ethan is in heaven.
Aaron & Ethan, I love you so much!!
I have no doubt that Aaron knows how much you love and appreciate him! He has a great mommy! You are all in my thoughts and I'm sending you my love as well....
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mel!! I appreciate it very much! How are you & Lily doing? I am thinking of you and it would be great to hear an update.
DeleteI know how hard it is...thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!! I am thinking of you too. Hope your appt goes well tomorrow.
DeleteYou are doing the best you can, and that's all that matters. Sending positive thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteLeslie I know Aaron knows his mommy loves him! :) I understand all of the feelings you are having as I had/have them too.
ReplyDeletePraying for you. Many hugs!
Ugh. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thinking of you often.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. So sad to be going through this. It is great that you have a way to show Aaron about his baby.
ReplyDeleteoops, I meant to say about his baby brother!
ReplyDeleteYou are a fabulous mommy to Aaron..and to Ethan. Big {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteThinkingo of you and your two boys... I know how you feel when you look at your son and wonder about what could have been... and wanting to be the best mum possible through all the sadness. Such a tricky balance.... you sound like an amazing mum to them both oxox
ReplyDeleteYou are such an awesome mom! Don't be so hard on yourself. Aaron is very lucky to have you. Love and Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel and I'm praying for you. Let yourself cry when needed. One day you will lay in bed an realize you have made it an entire day without crying. You will realize that you thought of Ethan through the day but tears didn't come. I can now think of Grant and smile more than I think of him and cry. One moment at a time turns to one day to one week and so on. I think you should take your due date off and if possible the day before.
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