Tomorrow will be two months since our baby boy was born sleeping. Yesterday was two months since we found out our little boy had passed away. And this morning at work, I was in tears thinking about everything. The emotions of this time in June came flooding back to me in an overwhelming way and I could not help but break down. Thankfully no one came into my office during that time so I was able to cry alone! Although I thought about going home, I was able to pull myself together to focus on work & not think about things too much the rest of the day. Thankfully work is busy right now too. I find it more difficult when I have too much time to think about things.
I will never be the same person I was before we found out. I am missing a piece of my heart. The sadness is a constant feeling so I am trying to learn to live with this. I am finding even in the midst of being sad, Aaron & Ethan together have made me want to be a better person. I am trying to figure out to do this. I do know that I will do my best never to take anything for granted again. I did not take my pregnancy for granted by any means as I was over the moon happy (but nervous) - however I realized I truly did not understand loss before. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life and it has taught me to be in the moment more often & appreciate what I have so much more than before. I always knew I was blessed for what I have but did not stop enough to really think about and express it. Another thing is that I stop and think before complaining about things. I find myself annoyed with people who complain too much about certain things. It is one of my more recent pet peeves. I have learned that complaining can be very hurtful and I do not want to ever do that to someone. I feel bad that before our loss I did not think about this enough.
To my beautiful Ethan, I miss you & I love you! Although I am so sad each & every day, you & your brother Aaron together have taught me so much and I am very thankful for this.
To my adorable Aaron, I am so blessed to see your smile & cuteness each & every day! My favorite times of the day are waking you up in the mornings & spending time with you before daycare and then picking you up at daycare to see your smile & spending even more time with you before bedtime! I used to be a work-aholic but now I find myself so excited to leave work so that I can see your smile.
I should have been in bed a long time ago - off to bed I go!
I wish there were words to make it easier...I know there are not. Thinking of you often.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you! I felt like a piece was missing from me after my suspected ectopic-methotrexate shot-3mth waiting-which turned into many months of my body being messed up. And it was really hard for me that very few, hardly anyone could relate. It seemed like everyone was getting pregnant while I was going through a hard time and it was really tough. Give yourself the freedom to grieve when you need to and rely on your hubby and kiddo. :) Smiles and laughter will do amazing things. :) Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteI've read that it can take a long, long time to grieve over the loss of a child and that includes children who were born sleeping. I can understand why. A part of you goes with the child never to be replaced. The only silver lining - if you can say something like this has one - is that you appreciate what you have even more than you thought you ever could.
ReplyDeleteHi Leslie. just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and Ethan. Everything your feeling I can totally relate to. It's true, we aren't the same people we were before we lost our child/children.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could make it all better for you. I hope your upcoming therapy appointment helps as well!
ReplyDeleteSending much love your way and thinking of you and Ethan. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteSending you HUGE {{{HUGS}}} You are such a good mama to your boys!
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love and prayers - thinking of you! Ethan is smiling down at you (and his big brother)
ReplyDelete:)
Hugs...