TTC Again

As we get closer to the start of our first cycle after our loss (as I am on day 4 of provera), I have so many thoughts floating through my head about TTC again.  I am so excited to get started and have hope again.  However, I am so scared on so many levels.  I am scared that we may never get pregnant again.  I am scared that if we do get pregnant again, we may experience a loss again.  I am scared that my age is an issue.  I keep trying to remind myself that the pure blessing & miracle of possibly having another child is so absolutely amazing that I am going to find a way to get through my fears to hopefully have my dreams of another child in my arms come true.  At the same time, I am trying to mentally prepare myself for facing the possibility that it will never happen.  And that if it does not happen, we can be at peace and be a happy family of three here on Earth while honoring our little one in heaven watching over us.

Of course, my ultimate wish is that we will be a happy family of four here on Earth while honoring Ethan in heaven watching over us.  Fingers and toes and everything else crossed that my wish will come true.

As I write this, I can feel myself getting excited to start this rollercoaster again.  I know the emotions will be all over the place and I thank goodness I have a place to come to write about them.