I am very disappointed with my parents! As I have written about recently, I have had some relationship issues with my mom recently and actually blame myself in that all the stress from this caused our loss. I need to learn to control my stress better when it comes to my parents. However, recently, I have found myself not upset/stressed but disappointed. In the last three weeks since our loss, we have not received a card or a note from my parents. I am not asking for much - except an acknowledgement that we lost a baby and that they lost a grandson. They have called to see how we are doing, but every time "oh, you sound better today" or "your voice sounds better." I know they want me to be better but it is like they are pushing it. Just because my voice sounds better does not mean I am better. They have never once said Ethan's name in a conversation and I honestly feel like they do not think we lost a real baby. That they are trying to forget it happened and go on with their lives. I certainly can not do that and just do not understand how they can not be impacted by this. My parents are not emotional people so it does not surprise me that they are like this but at the same time, it truly disappoints both my DH & I.
I have also found myself angry with my parents. Two weeks ago I asked my mom if she & my dad would pick out a plant or tree to put in their yard in honor of Ethan. I could tell right away she was not keen on the idea -- she even pushed back and said, well you can pick it out the next time you are visiting. I have no idea the next time we will be visiting and I told her that I wanted the plant/tree to be their choice, as they lost a grandson too. Well, in the last two weeks since I asked, my parents have not mentioned it once! We asked my inlaws the same and my MIL took a day to email us back her thoughts. My MIL was so honored. My mom acted like it was so much work to do this, which hurts more than words can express.
My mom called on Thursday night before we went away for the weekend and I ignored her call. My dad called tonight and I only answered his questions with one word answers especially after I heard "your voice sounds better." I quickly got off the phone as I have alot of things to finish up tonight before going to bed (one being to write how angry I am.) It took all my strength not to blow up and tell them how I really feel but I am better than that!
Also, my parents ended up canceling their trip to visit where my DH is this weekend. My DH & I were kind of upset that they did this. I ended up canceling my trip down to visit but my parents should have still gone & visited my DH to support him & take him out for his birthday (which is in a week.) They could have still gone without their friends. We just do not get how they think and we never will.
They are visiting in less than two weeks and I am less than thrilled about this. I really wanted to tell them they were not welcome in our house but I could not do that. They are still my parents and despite my anger/disappointment, I do love them. And as much as I complain how they are terrible grandparents, I still want them to know Aaron a little bit. I did not know 3 of my 4 grandparents and I will not do the same to Aaron. If he wants to have a relationship with them as he grows older, I want that for him.
Thankfully my DH knows how to calm me when I am around my parents. I am very lucky for that so hopefully this weekend will go better since my DH will be here to help me.
Ok, enough of my babble about my parents! I do truly hope I can work through this anger/disappointment. It is too much to be feeling along with the loss of my baby boy! I just could not keep this inside any longer. Thank you for listening. In the end, grieving & remembering my baby boy is more important to me! I do feel better getting this out!
I wanted to end by saying:
- Ethan, we love you & we miss you! You are so special to us and we know that you are watching over us!! You mean so much to us! Hugs & Kisses to you!!
- Aaron, our sweet and devlish toddler. You are amazing and we love you with all of our hearts! We hope one day you will know your brother through our memories. We are so lucky to have you in our lives! Thank you for all that you do!!
I'm sorry you're not receiving the right kind of support from your parents. Do you think that if you emailed them how you feel, without trying to sound accusatory, it might make you feel better? Like, explain to them that just because you voice sounds good doesn't mean you are DOING well, and that you wish they would do more to acknowledge your loss?
ReplyDeleteIt has to be really hard when your parents aren't giving you the type of support you need. They probably don't know how they are "supposed" to act, but that is no excuse. I hope your stress level regarding them goes down at least a little so you can have one less thing hindering you from moving forward with your healing and grieving process.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean... we lost our second daughter at 24 weeks in April. I'm not even sure my parents know her name. They never asked. I've started a huge campaign to legalize the burial/creamation of stillborn babies in my home country, since this is not legally possible and what do I get? Nada. Just "I'm so worried you're on sick leave and appearing on TV. What are your colleagues gonna think?" Duh.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to do. Just let it slide. But deep down I'm angry too. They just want me to "forget and move on". As if that's even possible.
Hugs from my end of the world to yours...
I'm sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. I agree with Lauren, I think a nice letter would be a good idea.
ReplyDeleteSo frustrating! I know a lot of people really don't know how to respond to pregnancy loss, but they should at least attempt to respect what you want. It is great that your in-laws are so supportive, though.
ReplyDeleteGrief is such a diffucult thing for everyone. It sounds to me like they are pretty selfish people at their core and the fact that they didn't put effort into your relationship with your grandparents speaks volumes. With that said, it also sounds like they are doing what they think is supportive by calling and trying to tell you that you sound better. They probably don't know what else to do. If you need specific actions don't be shy about asking for them. If they won't pick a type of tree go online and find one you want and tell them. Or maybe you can go to a greenhouse during their visit and all pick a type together that they could then get when they go back home. So thankful you have your DH and his family who just know what the right things to do and say are. Believe it or not they are the exception rather than the rule...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. It's terrible that they can't seem to give you what you need. Sending much love.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, I just want to shake some sense into your parents. Ugh! I know it hurts so much that they are like this. They could have such a wonderful relationship with their beautiful daughter and grandson if they'd only try. They are the ones missing out and perhaps someday before it is too late they will realize what they've done to themselves. I am so glad you and Aaron have a good relationship with your inlaws. We don't choose which family we are born into, but we can choose who our family becomes. Love and Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are not getting the support you need. I have found that I am frustrated with lots of people in my life who just don't seem to understand the grieving process. But I think back to friends who have lost babies and I realize I probably wasn't there for them either. I always assumed that people don't want you to ask or reach out because they want to forget and move on. Now having experienced loss myself I realize that it's the opposite.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm really sorry that of all people your parents are making this even harder on you. Sending hugs.
I'm so sorry your patents are being like this. Do you think stepping away from your relationship with them would help give you the space you need to heal?
ReplyDelete((HUGS))) Hun! I have had very similar issues with my IL when we lost our son, Gabriel almost 7 years ago. I don't think they really understand what it's like to lose a child. And unfortunately, that turns into them saying hurtful things without intending to? I've tried talking to them about it and it didn't really help... they still don't GET IT :(
ReplyDeleteWe are here for you girl! Hang in there :(
Holy cow, Leslie, your parents are acting just like my inlaws! It's been, as you know, 11 months since we lost our twins, and they - especially my MIL, still doesn't talk about the babies to me, mention their names, or anything. They have also not been there for my husband, their oldest son. I don't write about it on my blog because both of my inlaws read it...they never comment online and only occasionally say something to me or DH about what I have written. In fact, until this pas Saturday, my MIL had never even asked to see our Molly Bears or memory box, and neither had ever seen (nor asked to see) the babies' photograph. This has really complicated my grieving process and I know for a fact contributed to my postpartum depression. It's also caused a few big fights between me and my DH, the most recent being the one a support group that I mentioned in my last post. Everyone makes excuses for who they jus don't know what to say or how to grieve, but damn it, these are my children! There is no valid excuse that I can accept, even 11 months later. May e someday that will soften...but I can say l, without a doubt, it has forever f*cked up my relationship to them, so much do that I'm not sure what they can ever do to fix it.
ReplyDeleteHugs!!