Back to Work & Feelings of Guilt & TTC again

Today was my 2nd day back to work since losing our little boy.  Yesterday was really hard but today was actually harder, especially this morning! I am finding that mornings are really hard.  I think for two reasons: when I was pregnant with my little boy, although I worried a lot due to the roller-coaster ride, I was so happy every morning to know he was with me.  I also have over an hour drive to drop Aaron off at daycare before heading to work and it gives me way too much time to think in between talking about loud trucks & trees with Aaron. Too much time to think about our loss & my empty feelings, my guilt over things, how much I miss my baby boy and how sad I am that Aaron will not get to know Ethan!  It is even harder when I walk into daycare, as there is a little boy in Aaron's class named Ethan.  It takes all my strength not to cry in front of everyone each time I see his classmate!  The afternoon at work was a little better although I still had trouble concentrating.  Thankfully I did get some "non-thinking" stuff accomplished today - it helped to have some mindless stuff to get caught up on while I was out of the office.  Tomorrow will be difficult as it will have been two weeks since we found out.  I just hope I can get a little sleep tonight.  I have not been sleeping the best but am afraid to take anything to help.  I hate the way it makes me feel in the morning.

I mentioned my feelings of guilt about things above.  Even though my dr, my family & my friends tell me there was nothing that I could have done to prevent the tragedy we have faced with our baby boy, I still feel extreme guilt. It haunts me at some point every day and probably will for the rest of my life.  I ask myself the following questions all the time. * Did all the stress I was feeling with my mom cause this? * Did I pick up Aaron too much? Did I carry him too much? * Did I bend down too much? * Did I eat too much chocolate?
* Should I not have traveled alone with Aaron that weekend? * Is there anything I should have done differently?  I keep trying to listen to my drs, friends and family -- but my guilt keeps bubbling to the surface.  Not sure how I will ever get over this sense of guilt. I wanted to find a support group but the only one I can find meets later in the evenings, an hour from my house so it will not work.  As a result, I have been going back and forth about seeing a therapist.  I have a recommendation from the genetic counselor at the MFMs office.  The thought really scares me as I have never been good about expressing my feelings.  I usually drive my DH nuts as I keep things inside until the explode.  I am just not sure I would actually open up to a stranger.  I know it would probably do me good but it terrifies me.  How do I get over this fear?  Have you seen a therapist and has it helped? 


In addition to the guilt I have about causing our tragedy, I also have a lot of guilt about not being there completely for Aaron.  I feel like my mind often wanders when I am with him - I am often thinking about what he is going to miss out on.  I often think about at what age can we tell him about his beautiful brother. I often think about what we are going to miss as a family.  I just love Aaron so much that I hope & pray I can get healthy so I can truly be there for him.  At every chance I have, I keep telling him how much I love him ("Love, Aaron"  is what I say)and how sorry I am that I am sad right now.  I hope he understands one day!! I give him kisses and hugs at every chance as well.  


My DH & I have actually started talking about TTC again.  We have talked about it a couple of times and we both want to - we truly believe that Ethan would want us to try again.  My DH is really scared though  -- he is scared to see us possibly go through this again as there is always a chance it will if we are lucky to get pregnant again.  I am scared too but know that if everything goes well, it is the most beautiful gift to bring another child into this world.  He actually brought up adoption, which really surprised me.  Before we had Aaron, my DH was not open to adoption and actually mentioned living child-free when I had brought it up.  Neither of us knows much at all about adoption.  From the very little I know, I know it can be a difficult journey full of many ups and downs as well.  Although I am open to learning more about adoption, I think for now we have decided to try with fertility treatments again.  I will be 40 later this year so I know that time is not exactly on our side.  My OB suggested that we wait 2 months before TTC again but did recommend that we call my RE to make an appointment as soon as we know we are ready to try to we can have a consult & set up a plan.  With my irregular cycles, it could turn into many months before we could actually start trying again.  There is also the issue of my DH's travels.  This could make IUI very difficult to do.  I am interested to talk to my RE about options - perhaps freezing my DH's sperm in the event that he is traveling when the IUI time comes about.  I do not know much about this option but have read a little bit about it.  Going back to IVF is also an option but it is so expensive as we do not have insurance coverage for IVF.  And perhaps embryo adoption? I know this is not an easy option or something to take lightly either but is something I may look into researching a little more, to understand better.  As I get older, I worry about the quality of my own eggs.   I have not spoken to my RE since we found out we lost Ethan, but I hope to get the courage up this week to make an appointment for early August.  I know it will be helpful to have that to look forward to and have that feeling of hope again!  Hope is what helped me through our three years of IF before Aaron so hopefully hope will help me feel better while I grieve the loss of my beautiful baby boy, Ethan! 


It is past my bedtime so I should be going to sleep!  Good night!