It has been a week and one day since we found out about our little boy, Ethan James, passing away. At this time last week, I was in the hospital being induced. This past week has been the hardest week of my life. I have gone through every emotion in the book. One moment I am sad, the next I am angry, the next I am lost and the next I feel empty. I will feel OK for a moment and feel very guilty about it - then I will break down in tears! I miss my little boy so much!! Some moments I just feel like how am I going to ever move on. I have been told that with time, it will get easier. One thing I do know is that I will NEVER be the same person I was. There will always be a piece of me missing.
With all my grief this past week, I have felt very guilty about not having enough emotional energy for my beautiful son, Aaron. I am so lucky that my inlaws are here this week to help us - thankfully they have been taking such good care of Aaron while my DH & I have been grieving. Today was the first day that I was able to spend a little more time with him once he got home from daycare -- however, I have to admit that I could not stop thinking about how much I am going to miss not seeing him & Ethan play together. It is so not fair that Aaron will not have a chance to know his little brother. So not fair!!
It is time for me to go to sleep. I just want to leave my post today by telling Ethan how much I love him, how much I miss him and how much I cherish him. And to Aaron, thank you for being sunshine in my life right now. I am sorry I am not as emotionally available to you but I promise, I am doing my best to be strong and to get healthy so you can have your mommy back. I may be a different person, but hopefully I can provide you with everything that you need & deserve. Much love to my beautiful sons!
Oh, my sweet friend...I know!!! I wish I could tell you that the grieving gets easier. I guess it does, some days. Other days are just as hard as the first. I am so sorry you are suffering. This is SO not fair! Please know that I am here if you want to talk. I miscarried at 9 weeks in October and then lost one of our twins at 15 weeks in April. The feelings about my losses are still very raw so I do understand what you're going through. Again, I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI agree here. Some days are okay, and other days it seems like you are right back at square one. The great thing is that you have a great husband and supportive family (and us) that will pick you up when you need it. It is completely unfair...
DeleteHugs to you Leslie. You are constantly on my mind and in my thoughts
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Leslie, it isn't fair. I also feel emotionally unavailable to my daughters right now. Which seems so wrong because they are my light in this dark time. But I think it's good and normal to let yourself grieve on your own time and terms. It's almost as if our little ones are another reminder of what we lost. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Leslie. This is a huge loss and you need time to grieve. It is so incredibly unfair.
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to fathom the depth of loss you have suffered my friend. You're right, it's not fair. You are being so strong and I am proud of you {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteBig Hugs to you today!
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting on my blog. I just wanted to say that I am so, so, so, so sorry for your little boy. I cannot imagine such a loss, but I must feel a little of it because I have tears in my eyes. I wish I could say more than I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I wish ther was some way I could lessen the pain but only time will help you heal. In the mean time, know that I'm thinking of you and your family and as always sending my love!
ReplyDeleteI hate this so much for you. It is just so unfair and every time I think about it it makes me so angry and upset for you. Sending you so much love.
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