Need Strength For Today

I am going to need a lot of strength to make it through today.  We will be heading to the funeral home to make final arrangements for our little boy and then we have a follow up u/s & appt with my OB.

I have only been to a funeral home once or twice in my entire life (and I am almost 40.)  I never imagined that the next time I would be there would be to make final arrangements for my own little boy. I am not sure how I am going to be able to actually walk in the doors and not break into a million pieces.  I keep trying to remind myself that I need to be strong for him as this is just one way in which we are honoring how special he is to us and how much he means to us.

Then I have a follow up u/s this afternoon.  This will be very difficult seeing my empty uterus.  My dr was very concerned on Friday that I may have not passed all the placenta so she wants to make sure that everything is OK.  I think I did end up passing the remainder early in the morning on Saturday so I think everything will be OK.  I miss little Ethan so much that it is going to just be another reminder to me that he is no longer inside of me.  Similarly, I am not sure how I am going to walk into the doors of my OBs office with out completely breaking down.  It is where I found out that my little boy had passed away.  And seeing other pregnant women right now will send me over the edge.  (We tried to go out for lunch yesterday and I had to leave when a family with 2 young boys & a pregnant mother walked in.)  Similarly, I keep reminding myself that I need to have some strength in this situation.

I am hoping that we will have time afterwards to stop at the local greenhouse to pick up a tree in Ethan's honor.  We are planning to plant one where we live and also at his grandparents house.  I am also looking for garden stones to go right next to the trees.

Please oh please let me have the strength to make it through today!